New Year

Here we are on the brink of 2012 and I hardly know how it got here. This is the time of year that we all look back and see our progress and look to the future and set new goals.

I've been looking back at the year in awe. In awe of the change in myself. I've become so much closer to the person I ultimately hope to become and I am very proud of myself. I still have a long way to go, but I've made leaps and bounds. As I'm sure you'll all figured out this year has been excruciating. I went through so much that I didn't see coming, and never wanted to see. They say that you don't know what you've got until it's gone, but I'm very much not that way. I know exactly what I have and live in fear of losing it. And I lost so much this year. But I've gained myself. I gained a knowledge of myself, my limits, my strengths, my challenges, my needs, my wants. I didn't really want to admit this online, as I live in fear of the repercussions of online postings, but I feel I should. I found out through counseling that lasted about 6 months that I have ADHD, abandonment issues, and developed acute social anxiety, among other challenges we all struggle with. But I'm making it through. Through the challenges every day poses. And I'm looking forward to a new year that, with any luck, holds fewer challenges than this past year and holds hope, growth and joy.

I hope your new year holds the same and I hope that you can look nostalgically on this past year, even if it was as difficult (or more difficult) as mine.

Happy New Years!!

Christmas Crafting!

So, in order to distract myself from boredom and loneliness lately I've been rather crafty! (Also it was a cheap way to give people thoughtful gifts for Christmas!) Helped quite a bit by the inspiration of Pinterest I've created all these things in the past month, and am now bragging about them! ...And admittedly so I can pin them on my own Pinterest and brag just a LITTLE more! :)

This is an eternity scarf I made, just two rectangles of plain cotton jersey and a little jersey braid all sewn together and big enough to slip over my head.

This is a little cotton jersey braid that I sewed into a circle to use as a headband! :D

This is a braided waist belt from three equal strips of cotton jersey and sewn on the ends (Haven't figured out a better way to fasten then to just tie at the moment...will update if I figure it out).

These are 3 used Martinelli's bottles (and a babushka doll....I didn't make that...) I made for my sister for Christmas. The one on the left is modge-podged with paper. The one in the middle has jute wrapped around it and hot-glued down. The one on the right is just spray painted with gold paint. ((Hint: to get the label off soak in water over night and it comes right off, then just scrape off the residue with a razor blade or knife.))

The trees there are what I made! You just roll cardstock into a cone and hot-glue it down and embellish if needed. The little white red and green one is covered in little pom-poms or warm fuzzies, the light brown one is circled with jute that is just hot-glued down, the dark brown just has a jute ball on top, and the green one is a patterned paper and I didn't do anything to it after rolling it.

This is the gift I made for my brother and sister-in-law. It's just a frame I painted gold, dollar store ornaments I painted with the white and put the ribbon on and attached them to the back/top of the frame. The bow is just hot-glued to the top of the frame. (If you didn't figure it out, it's a wreath!)

That's all for now!! I'll probably post more later....okay I will probably post more later. I'm addicted to crafting!! :D And I need to post what I made for my mom and dad and myself!

A Year in Review

With the year ending and all our family Christmas letters going out I've been thinking back on my year and it's shocking how much has truly changed. My life has turned completely up-side-down since last Christmas, but I've survived. So, I'm going to copy Rae and give you a little year play-by-play:

January:

Come home from Disneyland.

Get a major cold.

Find job at Krave.

February:

Wish I had a Valentine.

Keep working at Krave.

Mom's birthday.

Breathe sigh of relief Rae wasn't moving.

March:

Turned 20.

(Freaking out that I've lived through 2 decades now)

Still working.

April:

Still working.

Called to Nursery (I think it was then...).

May:

Kyle met some girl named Briana.

He fell head-over-heels for her.

Rae's moving to Texas.

It's okay because the Jonas Brothers live there too...

June:

Start going to counseling.

Still in Nursery and working.

Trying to keep myself together.

Spend as much time with DeVaults as possible.

July:

Kyle engaged.

Still spending as much time with DeVaults as possible.

Still working and in Nursery.

August:

Kyle and Briana married.

My first photo shoot ever.

Still working and in Nursery.

Missing DeVaults.

Emily's birthday.

September:

Still working and in Nursery.

Desperately missing DeVaults.

October:

Still in Nursery.

Quit Krave.

Life stuck in neutral.

Missing the DeVaults more than I thought possible.

Kyle's birthday.

Cut ties with someone who meant the world to me.

Got on a plane to Dallas, TX.

Hugged Phill.

Hugged Rae.

Hugged Reed.

Got made breakfast in bed by Reed.

Hugged Jax.

Hugged Savvy.

November:

Did Rae's laundry.

Laughed.

Cried.

Read.

Played Lego's.

Cooked and ate.

Laughed more.

Loved.

Dishes.

DeVaults.

Hugged and hugged and hugged.

Sobbed.

Got on a plane.

Sobbed the whole way home.

Parents' 25th wedding anniversary.

Thanksgiving.

Dad's Birthday.

December:

Still in Nursery.

Job as nanny for Thornton's.

Missing DeVaults.

Decision making.

Slowing moving life forward.

So, that was a little less than positive. But I'm moving forward after an incredibly difficult year. And I'm proud of that. I did everything I could and just kept moving forward. And will continue to do so through the end of this year and into the next.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all!! :D

Thanksgiving

Okay, I know this is shamefully overdue, as Thanksgiving was weeks ago and Christmas is now upon us. But I must say how incredibly grateful I am for the holiday of Thanksgiving. I love the chance to eat all you want on fancy dishes and with family. I love the focus of the world on being grateful for the things that mean something to them. Thanksgiving gave me the chance to see with clear and grateful eyes, which is rare lately. I've been struggling still, and struggling more in some senses and Thanksgiving gave me the opportunity to break free of that for a little while and be grateful. It was such a relief. And I was so grateful for the holiday itself.

Yes, the Christmas season is also great, but there is more focus on the commercialization and what you're going to get than what you're going to give and what you're going to help with. (Also, less focus on a great big meal!) There are so many things I'm grateful for. And if you're reading this, you're one of them. Anyone who takes the time to read my words makes me very grateful, even if you don't comment, I like to imagine at least 10 people read each of my posts.

I'm so grateful for my family this year especially. I've gained a sister since last year, and I'm glad for her too. :) I could list all the things I'm grateful for, but that would take forever and I'm already in tears, and that would break me into sobs. Just know, I'm grateful for so much. And especially Thanksgiving this year.

Sorry for the rambling still. But at least it's a post right?

Braveness

"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and others have greatness thrust upon 'em." So says Shakespeare in Twelfth Night, and I've been thinking about that quote a lot lately and I believe the same can be said for being brave. So I would also say "Some are born brave, some achieve braveness, and others have braveness thrust upon 'em." ((Is braveness a word?? Probably not! But I'm saying it is!)) Some people don't struggle with being brave, they just are. They don't have to force themselves to be better at speaking their mind, or parachuting, or fighting for our country, or telling someone how they feel, or trusting. Others of us have to learn bravery by trying those things just one at a time or by living our every day lives. And other times bravery is forced upon us. A loved one dies, or leaves us, or turns on us, or an emergency happens and we must be brave. Those, I think, are the hardest moments. When you're already knocked down from life and then something happens and you're left to ourselves to pick up your own pieces and just keep going. Regardless, though, of how our bravery comes, we all must be brave. Although it sounds far more delightful to lay in bed, or in front of the TV, we all must live our lives, which requires an immense amount of bravery. But we can do it!

Beautifying My Little World

So, I've been taking moments from my days to make something in my life a little more beautiful. And currently I'm obsessed with modge podge. So in order to be able to put these on Pinterest and to show you how I'm beautifying my life here they are!

I did this one for my parents for their 25th anniversary because we really needed one instead of the cupboard.

Martinelli's bottle (from the anniversary celebrations) plus 2 coats of gold spray paint (left over from my brother's wedding open house), and 2 dried roses from the only bouquets I've ever gotten.

A mini Martinelli's bottle, with paper modge podged onto it. A little tricky, but worth it! Now I need more dried roses to put in it!

An old frame I had laying around and decided to modge podge. I need a picture to put in it now.

All the paper is from a book I found at the dollar store. It was just one that had the coolest feeling and looking paper, and it happened to be an autobiography about a biographer, so there were tons of letters in the book in different fonts, which ended up really cool. So on all of these I only spent $1.03 for the book. The modge podge was just left over from one of my mom's projects, I already had both frames, the bottles and the spray paint. Probably more to come as I continue to attempt to beautify my life...Okay me and modge podge obsession will definitely be coming up with more to cover, so expect some more!

"At Least..."

So you know those times when everything is looking very bleak and it's hard to find something that's beautiful? I find that I need something that is fairly stable, that at least I have that. My most common "At least" is "At least I have a cute butt." Because I do--whether or not that's conceited, I don't know. But it makes me feel better. That even if I am broke, have no job and can't find one, at least I do have one asset. Oh, you want a list of "At least"s? Okay....

At least:

I can write.

I can appreciate others' talents.

I have my family, and though the relationships may change they're always there.

I have pretty eyes.

I have Rae and her family too.

I have emotional outlets.

There's more, but it feels selfish to put them all here. I hope that helps you in trying to see the beauty in your own life. It helps me with mine. And heaven knows I need any help I can get.

At least I have a cute butt :)

Respite, Rae, and Rambling

I'm thoroughly enjoying Texas. Loving every minute of being so loved and needed by the DeVaults. Savvy needs the girly attention of flipping through magazines and playing dollies. Reed needs the attention logical answers and occasional pretending. Jaxon needs the giggling, tickling and general being silly. And I love it. I haven't been this needed in so long. And it is so refreshing. As my fingers click and clatter across the keys, Rae is singing quietly with each child as she puts them to bed, and admittedly I'm crying. I want so badly to be so loved and needed by my own children. I want so badly a man to love me as her Phill loves her. I want so badly to be more like Rachel. In so many ways. I wish I had more curves, like Rae's perfect shape. I wish I had more of her empathy and depth of emotion in general. I wish I had her energy, her creativity in and out of the home, her ability to make it work (even if "it" is a house that they don't quite fit in, or a scheduling inconvenience).
I don't want to leave. I want to stay sleeping on her couch, petting the kitties--Jude and Olive--, playing with kids, laughing with Phill and Rae, and helping with the endless laundry and dishes of a young family. I want to stay here, healing, until I am whole. I wish I could. And yet the real world calls. Bills, family, school are all screaming my name. I desperately just want to ignore them and stay, stay, stay. Maybe I can. I don't know. But for now I will savor the moments that seem so much like a fairy-tale or a movie. Moments that don't seem to belong in my life. Moments I love. Moments I need. Moments that will sustain me through the future, as the imagination of them sustained me through the past months.
The hardest times of my life have been this past year, and just when I think they're over, they're only beginning. And I've just tried. Tried to keep going, tried to make the best decisions, tried to go in the right direction, tried to keep seeing the good and the beautiful, tried to be brave. Tried. And that's all I could've done, all I can do. That's all any of us can do. Is just try. If that's what we are doing, we can't be ashamed of ourselves. Because we tried. And I have. And I'm okay with it...almost. I'll keep trying and trying and probably crying. Hopefully times will get better. Hopefully.

Texas

That's right. I'm going to Texas. To see Rae. Tomorrow. Finally, tomorrow. I feel like I've been waiting forever since I booked my flight. But tomorrow I will be in the air, before landing in Dallas and being picked up by Phill or Rae, and welcomed into their home for 2 weeks. I'm so excited! So excited to be with them and their kids. So excited to renew and refresh and relax and help and serve and be helped and served. I can hardly wait. And I hardly have to. And I can't tell you how happy that makes me. Hopefully this is a turning point for the better, I'm so sick of struggling. I'm hoping and praying that this at least turns something around that will go better.

Assumptions

Okay, so this is another bit of a rant, but also a lesson rolled into it. So just call me Teach! Haha!

I'm SO sick of people making assumptions about other people. So sick of it. People look at me, a single, cute, somewhat floundering 20-year-old and assume, "Oh, she must be desperate, let's try and set her up." NO. No. No. no. no. no. NO! Sure, I wouldn't mind Prince Charming coming and sweeping me off my feet. But I honestly (yes I mean these next few words) would rather be single for the rest of my life single than hit on by another creeper. I've been hit on by SO many these past few weeks it is RIDICULOUS! ((Maybe I'll post some later just to give you all a giggle, really it is laughable.)) And I haven't been on a date with a decent guy since high school. And the last decent guy I had a date with isn't interested in girls anymore. Sorry...tangent....

Anyway... Assuming things about people is not right. After that tangent about creepers my arguments a little weak. But there are facts behind the creepiness of the creepers. People all have struggles and vices and triumphs and glories. And we all need to do a little less judging and assuming (even if we think it's a kind assumption). Because you just don't know what they're really going through. You don't know the thoughts they're hiding inside, the feelings they don't let show, the situations they don't talk about. You just don't know. We all need to do a little less talking and a little more listening....especially me.

Words

"I always surprise myself on my ability to turn a phrase. Words are, in my not so humble opinion, the most inexhaustible source of magic; capable of both inflicting injury and remedying it." -Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2

Yes, I'm aware I've posted that quote before but I LOVE it!! It's so true. Words hold more weight than I do. (Okay, yes we've established holding more weight than I do isn't hard, but still!) Words have lasted since the beginning of time, tales of how the earth started, fairy tales, religion, anything and everything. Words repeated over and over can beat you down and crush you to the ground, while at the same time a simple switch of words said just as many times can help you soar and reach heights you never even imagined! Words can inspire and words can make you perspire.

The effects of physical abuse are obviously detrimental, and any kind of abuse is horrible. But the effects of verbal and emotional abuse echo and reverberate with the victim far longer. Bruises fade, scratches heal, broken bones grow back together, but the insults to self-esteem replay for the hearer every day. It takes only the immune system with the help of a doctor to repair the damage from physical abuse, but it takes years of counseling and a constant mental battle to repair the damage done from emotional and verbal abuse. I know very little from personal experience. But we've all been hurt by someone. Physically and emotionally. I healed from the broken wrist I got in a car accident. And my wrist is better than ever. But the rude words, the exclusion, the negativity forced upon me from years of adolescent foolishness of middle and high school still hit me and feed my insecurities.

The words in a textbook open up your knowledge and expand your potential. The words in a novel can take you to a new world away from reality. The words in a book can change your perspective and way of thinking about a person or people, or way of life, or events, or anything really.

A twisted tangle of words can threaten to trap you in a place of pain. Or a set of sweetly situated syllables can put you on cloud 9. Or a lack of words can leave you speechless, either way; happily, or unhappily.

Words hold some of the greatest power known to man. Wield them wisely.

"It is important to fight, and fight again, and keep fighting, for only then can evil be kept at bay, though never quite eradicated." -Dumbledore (His quotes are BRILLIANT! Also, in your own battles keep fighting. It's hard, it hurts, but it's worth it. Even if you make it just a little farther against the evils in your own life. Just keep swimming!!! You can make it!!)

Also...in my head this was brilliant. On screen, not so much. But hopefully you get the idea. My one consolation is that at least Rae will love it!

Health

So I've been working on my mental health this past year especially, recently including counseling (have I mentioned that? I never remember...). And in counseling have uncovered that I struggle with acute anxiety. Nothing I need to be medicated for or anything, I just always think of all the possible worst-case scenarios for the silliest things. So to help fight that and multiple other mental issues I'd rather not talk about on the internet especially my counselor has encouraged me to start working out. So I have. Kicking and screaming internally at it.

I have issues with working out. Mostly because last time I weighed myself I was a mere 108 lbs and I'm terrified of getting any thinner. I don't want to blow away in any breeze drifting by. Gusts knock me over as is. But I've started trying anyway. Yesterday I did some Wii (Just Dance 2, and Wii Fit...that counts right??) and today I jogged. Yes, me I jogged. Well...I sorta jogged. I jogged and walked, and jogged and walked and walked a little more. I am SO out of shape. It is absolutely ridiculous. But the goal is to get better. And secretly (Rae you will scream when you read this, so prepare your children) my goal is to do a Disney Half Marathon. Emphasis on HALF!! That's only 12 miles. I want to do a WaltDisney World Half Marathon. So then I'd get to go to WaltDisney World....Yup, that's most of the reason!

Well, I'll keep ya'll updated on my brave adventures of trying to work out. Well, now I'm off to get a HUGE bowl of Rocky Road because I need to keep my weight steady at least.

-Also, as a note Dreyers is the best Rocky Road. With Western Family as a close second. Western Family just has a TON of marshmallows. Really, it's half ice cream, half marshmallows. :)

Hard Times

I don't know about any of you, but I've been going through some hard times lately. My world turns on it's head every week. And I just can't keep up. It feels like I'm running on a treadmill and the faster I run the further backwards I go. Or I feel like I'm smacking my head against a brick wall, throwing all my weight against it, trying to get it to break. But it won't. And there appears to be no way around it and no way to get over it. These are the times I need to be brave. The times that I fail at most. The times that I let other people make my decisions and I just duck and cover till it's over. Not this time. This time I'm fighting. Crying when that stupid brick hall doesn't budge, or when I trip on the treadmill. But I'm keeping on going. I have my cry and peel myself off the pavement and try again. Or at least I try to try again. I somewhat apologize for this indulgent and not-so-great post. But I hope it helped someone.

They say that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

I don't think this will kill me. So it better make me stronger.

With My Own Two Hands!!

So today I decided to be brave and attempt sewing. And came out with a beautiful skirt!!! With some of my Mom's help (very little!) I took an elastic band (2" thick) and sewed it to 35"(ish) long fabric two layers thick and voila!!!!

Isn't it SO cute! I would've posted a picture of me in it, but it's late and I look gross, so just use your imagination! I love it! I may wear it to an audition on Thursday! I decided to share because A) I'm ridiculously proud of it. B) It really was a brave attempt as I'm not so great with a sewing machine, and it came out beautifully!

I decided I'm going to attempt a new sewing project every paycheck-ish. It costs about the same as buying the clothing item would, but then I get the satisfaction of learning, and saying I made it myself, and having no one else have it! Next up is a jersey-knit pencil skirt, and then a lace pencil skirt, both I've been dying to try! Then I don't know what else. Maybe I'll update you on my progress, maybe I'll forget. I don't know! Hehe!

Luck and love in your journeys,

C

Moonlight

So tonight driving home from work I was struck by the sheer beauty the moonlight was giving the night world. The sky was a dark denim-indigo with hazy lazy clouds floating around the moon and across the skies borders in gray, off-white, periwinkle and lilac. The stars winked out between and from behind wisps of cloud. The light from the moon and stars illuminated the world below beautifully. The bordering mountains were inky purple-blue, nearly glowing in their purple-ness. The desert below was washed out blacks, grays, charcoals. The beauty struck me and moved me to tears. It was perfect. I've never seen a night like this. It was gorgeous. So I decided to share and paint the picture with words for you my readers. I hope you've seen something as beautiful in your week.

Much love!

C

One Day

No this post is not about the new Anne Hathaway movie One Day. (Though I do want to see that!) It's about the phrase, "One day...". We've all said it. "One day I'll go to Paris!" or "One day my prince will come." --See even a Disney Princess has said it.-- One day is a phrase full of hope and mystery and goals and fantasy. The mention of "One day...." can get you through a crappy night at a minimum wage job, thinking of the career you'll have (and LOVE) one day. The thought of "One day..." can get you through a challenging time in life, knowing that one day it will be better and you will be stronger. The idea of "One day..." has the potential to ease a broken heart toward healing. The foresight of thinking to that one day in the future that you can make better, that you can be better. One day can contain the hugest most wild, seemingly unreachable dreams and make them feel just one day away. One day contains beauty and fantasy, but it requires bravery and adventure to get there and make it the day you envision. Just going about and doing nothing will make one day just like the day you're living, that makes you dream of other things.

My One Day List:

-I will go to Paris. No doubt.

-I will have a career I love.

-I will figure out what I will do for a career exactly.

-I will work at a Disney park again (but in entertainment this time)

-I will have my own cute apartment or house.

-I will learn to sew.

-I will change someone else's life, for the better.

-I will make my family and friends proud to be close to me.

-I will come closer to who I want to be.

Coins

Words have not only once again granted me with the pleasure of their company, they may well be overstaying their welcome. Okay, not really. I'm loving the flood of eloquence.

Today the topic I've been mulling over in my mind especially is coins. We're all familiar with coins. Quarters, dimes, nickles, pennies, or whatever else wherever else. But did you realize that there are coins inside us? And no, not just ones that you swallowed when you were a kid! Every trait you have has a flip-side. There's the up-side and the down-side. For example: If you have a big heart, it's likely that big heart has just as much capacity to hurt as to love. That's a big coin of mine. I'm full of love and compassion and I'm fiercely loyal, but I'm injured and insulted easily. I take everything personally because I mean (most) everything personally. The trick is to focus on the up-side of what you've got! Believe me it's hard. That down-side has the power of gravity on it's side. It pulls and drags and holds and tugs and yanks and tows and heaves and thrusts you down. But we are still able to stand on earth, despite gravity right? There's gigantic skyscrapers even with the weight of the world pulling them down aren't there? We grow taller and stronger even with it pulling us down, and I dare say, because it's pulling us down. Having down-sides doesn't make you horrible, it makes you human. You need both sides of the coin to pay for an ice cream cone, don't you?

Well, I hope that makes you feel a little better about your virtues and vices, I know it makes me feel better about mine.

Best luck and all my love to you on your journeys.

"I want you to listen to me very carefully, Harry. You're not a bad person. You're a very good person, who bad things have happened to. Besides, the world isn't split into good people and Death Eaters. We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are." ~Sirius Black, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

"You can take everything I have, you can break everything I am, like I'm made of glass, like I'm made of paper. Go on and try to tear me down, I will be rising from the ground like a skyscraper!" ~Demi Lovato, Skyscraper

A Small Rant

So, in case you don't know me (which I doubt anyone reading this doesn't) I'm skinny. Like tiny skinny. I'm nearly 5'7'' and I only weigh approximately 105 pounds. So now in your head you're thinking What does SHE have to rant about, about that?!

Well here it is: I am this way naturally. I eat like a 14-year-old boy, I just can't keep weight on. But people look at me and assume that I deprive, torture, or maim myself to be the way I am. There's a woman who is most definitely not naturally thin (you can tell because she looks like a skeleton and barely ever gets anything to eat) and she has suggested on multiple occasions that I understand her need to not get as much. Dear lady, I'm not anorexic. Then there was a guy once who told me I stayed this thin by eating whatever I want and then throwing it up afterward. Dude, really?!

The world's obsession with weight and appearances swings both ways. We all know that obese or overweight people are openly mocked and the health dangers of being that way. But no one seems to mention that those of us that are thin are demeaned too.

Everyone's healthy weight and healthy place mentally within themselves comes at a different place, and we aren't to judge. Especially if we're strangers. People are SO much more than what they appear on the outside. Everyone has fears, everyone struggles, and everyone has their own triumphs too. We are all just humans, size 0 or size 16. And we were all made as individuals with something to contribute to the world.

Now, this isn't just a pointless rant about insults given me at work; the point related to the theme of my blog: EVERYONE struggles with how they feel about themselves in one way or another. No matter what size, shape, etc. And EVERYONE deserves courtesy and encouragement along their way in feeling better about themselves. EVERYONE is beautiful. EVERYONE is being as brave as they can be, marching on in their journey.

Perspective

Lately I've been thinking about perspective and how things look differently through different people's eyes. As I'm looking at photos and taking photos I see the world differently. I look through new eyes and see with a new perspective. It's amazing to see how I look even at movies I've seen a billion times differently. (Have I ever told you I LOOOOVE movies!? I do!! A lot....Especially when the acting, story and cinematography all meet together beautifully.) We all have an individual and personal way that we see the world around us. Our eyes shape from who we are, who we've loved, what we've loved, what we've lost, where we've been, what we've learned. It's amazing how even siblings who've grown up so similar and seen so many of the same things can have such different perspectives. It's astounding how a couple can go through something together and come out with such different views. I am dumbfounded by the differences and individualism in every one of our views, our voices, and just in every one of us. We are each brave and beautiful in our own way and in different, separate, individual balances.

"We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are." -Sirius Black, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2

"I'd like some fresh, clear, well seasoned perspective." -Anton Ego, Ratatouille

"I always surprise myself on my ability to turn a phrase. Words are, in my not so humble opinion, the most inexhaustible source of magic; capable of both inflicting injury and remedying it." -Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2

((Maybe next time I'll post random quotes I just like, what do you think?!))

Delicate Strength

In staying strong I've obviously been thinking about a definition of strength, but I'm not at all ready to write up a full definition of strength yet. Words are still somewhat eluding me. Today I spent the day with Rae: cleaning, talking, distracting children, and soaking in her radiant warmth. (What I will ever do without her a mile away, I have NO IDEA!!!) But I saw her today (and yesterday) show the most incredible delicate strength. Joking with movers, Rae remained (somewhat freakishly) patient with her over-tired, over-stressed, over-bored babies. Yes, while walking through her house Rae cried and cried. When I swept and mopped her bathroom I collapsed into sobs over the floor. Eventually pulling myself together to finish. And when I left--followed by them, though their journey was much longer--Rae and I sobbed in each other's arms. That's the delicate side: allowing yourself to feel your emotions, letting yourself be weak.

But the great irony of that is, is that is the strength therein! It takes strength and courage to feel. To feel is to allow yourself to be vulnerable, which is frightening. As Rae vacuumed up cobwebs I thought of spiderwebs. Spider webs are incredibly light and delicate and seemingly weak, but a spider web is one of nature's strongest substances. ((And I would post a picture of it, but I like spider's about as much as Ron Weasley!)) I trust that you all know what a spiderweb is like and can picture in your mind the intricacy of the home of the arachnid. With long spokes connected by swirling connections. The long spokes are the strength, connected by delicate and gentle strands of complex, twisting emotions. Many people are afraid of spiders and their webs, and more surprisingly the webs inside themselves. I'm the first to admit I'm not fond of my often swirling and inexplicable emotions. But I'm working on accepting them and moving forward. It's hard to balance delicacy and strength, much like balancing bravery and beauty. But I'm trying and I hope you are too. <3

~Sorry this didn't come together as planned, or beautiful or inspiring or brave at all, but I had to put it out there. Maybe at least Rae will like it. :)

Speechless

My apologies readers, I've been so post-less lately. I've been speechless blog-wise lately. I've been going through some incredibly tough times recently, and I have struggled to think through anything beautiful enough to write about. I've just tried to be brave through the storm raging around me. You'd think that would provide ample inspiration for my should-be balanced blog between bravery and beauty, but it hasn't been. I've been so emotionally and mentally drained from every day life that hardly any thoughts have been left over for writing.

And this blog post is becoming awfully depressing, and I apologize for that as well. Hopefully some brilliance will occur to me and I will have blogs coming in a flurry from feverish fingers.

Until then,

C

Lorna Anderson

Lorna is a woman I have always looked up to ever since she and her husband and their 6 boys moved into my neighborhood about 6 years ago. She is one of the most beautiful, brave women I've ever known. She is truly incredible. Always smiling, always happy, always tender, always ready with a smile, hug, and kind word. This past week one of Lorna's sweet boys passed from this world and into the next. Nolan was barely 18 and died in his sleep on the 22nd. He'd struggled with health for nearly his whole life, including paralysis of the right half his body. He found in his mother (and father) an example of strength, trust in the Lord, tenacity, courage, and seeking all that was beautiful in the world. And he followed right in her footsteps, pushing through every disability, every challenge and becoming stronger for it. Now he has passed on quietly and peacefully to the Savior's care where he will no longer be challenged by earthly cares or his temporal body.

Nolan's precious mother fully understands the Lord's Plan of Salvation, and just days after her son's passing sat in the most solemn Sacrament Meeting I've ever witnessed, and smiled and laughed, tearing up only a few times. The day after my Mom went to visit and offer our help and came back in awe that Lorna was smiling, cheerful, peaceful, and happy.

I can't imagine the pain that would come from one of your children going before you from this existence. I hope to be like Lorna when I grow up: trusting, brave, beautiful, seeking the positive, faithful, and countless other virtues.

My prayers and love are with their family, along with my appreciation and admiration.

Becoming Strong

Dreaming. I love to daydream. And I dream big, as I've said before. But honestly I don't want to just sit around imagining and dreaming about things, and not be able to do anything about it! So I'm working toward the dreams that I dream about most! I went to ballet this work and it was hard!!! I am still sore and it's 3 days later! I'm less sore, but I am sore. Mostly my calves. Because it was Advanced Ballet there was a LOT of work on the toes (not on pointe, just on the toes) and a lot of plies (plee-ays) and bar work and jumps. My poor calves have felt like acid jelly for the past 3 days. I worked very hard and kept up fairly well until we went to the middle of the floor instead working on the bar.

Also, I'm working at my turning my picture-taking into photography. I would love to be fashion photographer like the ones who appear on America's Next Top Model. I think that would be amazing! So I'm practicing, practicing, practicing! :)

So pretty much this is a pointless and self-absorbed post, but oh well! It's better than nothing though right?!

My Fantastic Best Friend's Birthday!

Today is Kavyn's birthday!!!!!! :D I'm so happy for her!! We celebrated yesterday and it was great! And pretty much this post in pointless, except to make her blush a little! Honestly, I don't know what else to say! I blog about her a LOT so you already know that I love her to bits and pieces and that she's amazing and brave and beautiful and wonderful, and if you don't go read those posts! I'm so glad to have her in a my life. I truly love her and appreciate her more than I can say. She's the best BFFAE a girl could ask for. :) Much love and happiness for her today. <3

Encouraged

So this weekend Emily and I went to my favorite place on earth (you do know what's coming don't you?!) DISNEYLAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was SO fantastic! Not nearly as busy as everyone seems to think it was. We hit our favorites and that's all. We did only what we wanted. First up Emily got herself a bracelet that reads guatEMala, because at one point she was in Guatemala, and it was a huge part of her life, which it is her choice to share that experience, not mine. Second was the Teacups, Emily's favorite. Then to Dumbo, a family favorite. Of course, we did what we do best and ate. At the ever-delicious Golden Horseshoe. Oh, I love the Golden Horseshoe. Not on the menu are their mozzarella sticks and they are FANTASTIC! If you're ever in Disneyland, eat them. They take about 15 minutes for them to make, but it is well-worth the wait. Also, the fishsticks are finger-licking good. Don't even get me started on their fries. I'll spare you that happy-rant. We sat with a sweet, sweet lady who had the only 2 spare chairs in the place. The reason for that being Billy Hill and the Hillbillies. Yes, I just said that. Yes, we watched it. Yes, we enjoyed it. Emily laughed so hard I thought she was going to throw up that fantastic food. Then we shopped. Oh did we shop. I love shopping at Disneyland. So much. It was great. :) After corn dogs and spying (and crying) on the parade it was time for what we went there for: A Princess and Character Look-Alike Audition for Disneyland Hong Kong.

We were taught some choreography from the Christmas parade, and did our best. Sadly, it was not good enough and we were cut after that. (The first cut.) We picked ourselves--and our shopping bags--up and headed to Cheesecake Factory for treats before going back for the fireworks! During which we cried our eyes out!!! It was just so beautiful, and I could feel Hook's crocodile behind me, tick, tick, ticking away, attempting to drag me away from happiness and magic. Then we cried our eyes out over Fantasmic. And screamed over an awesome Cast Member who scared the tears out of Emily ensuing laughter from me that was so deep and hard and hearty that I snorted 7 times in. A. Row. For our last hurrah we rode the Matterhorn, my favorite. Then we visited the gorgeous and amazing Aly who I used to work with. And then oh-so reluctantly we stared at Sleeping Beauty's Castle down Main Street USA and walked away with heavy hearts, bags, and feet.

Despite not doing so well in the audition I am greatly encouraged by it. I can try again, and I will try again. And I will do better. I will work on my dancing and ability to learn choreography. I will practice being princess-y. I feel so hopeful and happy about what's to come. I will do this, I will reach this dream. I will succeed.

And I will go back to Disneyland soon, with my best friend again, with my family again, with anyone who will go with me again.

I feel recharged for every day life until then. My strength has been renewed and I can keep going, hopeful, positive, beautiful and brave.

Stay ((Becoming)) Strong

Relief

Relief is a huge part of staying or becoming strong for me. I have to take a step back from all the stress and craziness of my life and let myself not think about it for a little while. There's some ways I like to take respite from my whirlwind of a world. So here's an inevitably too-long explanatory list of ways that I get my relief.

Beautiful Films:

I love watching movies and especially ones that are beautifully captured, beautifully written, and beautifully acted. I love when those three aspects of the film come together in a way that is captivating and meaningful. Some of the many that I adore are Anne of Green Gables and Anne of Avonlea (which I'm watching now!), Young Victoria (I'm working on a whole post about that one!), Sense and Sensibility, Beaches, Finding Neverland, and many, many more. Also, funny movies are great! And Disney movies, those are awesome!

Writing:

I write poems, my blog, short stories, and other such things for fun and for myself (except this blog). I don't share the things I write very often (as in hardly at all), they're just for me, and it's a fantastic release of excess stress.

Picture Taking:

I like taking pictures (especially after buying Rae's first DSLR camera!! Thanks again Rae!!!!!) I've been practicing as much as possible and feel like I am getting better. I took pictures of Emily's graduation and am currently working on editing them, experimenting and such. And I'm having way too much fun. I'm no photographer, just a picture-taker. Rachael Ray always calls herself a cook and not a chef and I'm calling myself a picture-taker and not a photographer. One day I'll graduate to photographer, but that's not going to come for a while, though a separate photography blog will be coming soon!! :)

Piano:

I've played piano since I was 8 and really didn't appreciate it for a long time. I haven't taken lessons in more than 3 years and now only play the songs that have stuck with me and only for myself. I'll play to let emotions go and to express myself without harming anyone else and I'll play to keep my fingers from forgetting the keys. Singing goes along with that, but I've been consistently ill this winter and my voice sounds like a bullfrog right now. :(

Imagination:

Imagining and pretending are brilliant and beautiful and so relieving. You can escape into a dream world all your own and have whatever and whomever you'd like. Prince Charming comes bursting through the doors at work and sweeps you away singing the whole way to his valiant steed (which is generally a shiny black BMW or Lamborghini or Porsche or similar). Or you slay the evil dragon shooting flames at you constantly. Secretly, I imagine myself to sleep every night.

Well, that's them. Hopefully, you didn't get lost in my words. :) I worry sometimes that Rae's the only one who slogs through swamp of my reveries. Don't worry, the monsters are banned from my blog by the knights of my fingertips! Until next time!!

((With all of these posts about Staying or Becoming Strong, feel free to post in your blogs, or in comments here things that you do to Stay and Become Strong! I would LOVE to hear your thoughts on this!! Also, secretly, it would make me feel influential and important, which would be nice! ;) ))

Stay ((Becoming)) Strong

The Playlist

Well, here it is, what you've all been waiting for (probably not) a small selection of songs I've put in my Stay Strong playlist. --Yes, there is actually now a playlist on my iPod called Stay Strong-- You don't want the whole playlist because it has exactly 41 songs in it. While that is not my biggest playlist (by a long shot) it is far too many songs to bore you with why they inspire me to be strong.

Stronger (Glee Cast Version) - I'm inspired about this song because it talks about being stronger than you were even yesterday, and being able to stand on your own. The words are bold, the music is bold, the message is bold. And I like it. I don't know why I like this version better than the Britney Spears version, but I do. Maybe I just like Kevin McHale's voice better. Who knows, but that's the version that's in my playlist.

Who Says (Selena Gomez) -I. Love. This. Song. It's light and encouraging and sassy all at the same time. I listen to this song probably 3 times a day. It's like my anthem right now. It reminds me that the people who say I'm not star potential or presidential or says I'm not beautiful or pretty or brave, those people who say that are nobody's to me. They aren't a part of the world I've built for myself ((with God's and many other's help)) and I should never listen to their words, because what I say and what those close to me say matter.

Love Is On Its Way (Jonas Brothers) - This song is amazing. It's so hopeful. It reminds me that someday my Prince will come, but also that until then I'm special by myself. And I don't need to sit around waiting for him. It's like the line from Freaky Friday "You're a smart, strong, beautiful woman and you don't need a man to complete you". I don't. I'd like a man to come along. I'd like that a lot. But I don't need him to be whole. That is not healthy to think you need a man (or woman) to be completed. It will come when it will, until then be whole within yourself. Also, love comes in many forms, and nearly always one form or another is heading your way. In case you were wondering, LIOIW is my texting signature and has been for a long time and it stands for the title of this song.

Believe In Me (Demi Lovato) - I couldn't have a playlist inspired by Demi's new mantra without a song by her. This is one of my favorite songs of hers. It's admitting you need help and wanting to change and then accepting yourself, and changing the things you need and want to. And now, knowing what we know about her personal issues, it was very brave of her to say the things she did in this song. Hopefully this song helped her like it helps me to believe in myself.

Party in The USA (Miley Cyrus) - You can't always just be working and working on yourself and on everything in life, you need to have a little party sometimes and let yourself enjoy the moments! This is my current go-to personal dance party song. Rock out, you know you want to! Nod your head like yeah, move your hips like yeah!

Take A Breath (Jonas Brothers) - This is my all time favorite Jonas Brothers song. Everything's crazy and maybe your world is crashing down, but just breathe. You'll get through it. Take a breath. Keep breathing. If you have to stop and just breathe, do. It's immensely helpful. And sometimes it's all you can do to keep going. "Clouds can move, and skies will be wide open."

Smile (Glee Cast Version) - I've always loved this song. It was on a Natalie Cole CD we listened to in the car when I was a kid. And I loved it. I love the softness of both versions. It is just a chance to breathe and smile and regroup yourself. Smile is often on my daily to-do lists. And I mean real smile, not fake-at-customer-smiling. God sends smiles your way everyday, take the moments and cherish them. Focus on them. Yes, crappy stuff does happen. But for the sake of yourself, just smile at the happy, don't frown at the crappy. (Sorry, you know I can't resist a rhyme!) "You'll see the sun come smiling through, for you, if you just smile." :)

I'd be happy to hear songs from your Stay Strong playlist!! Even if you don't actually have a playlist, and just have a song or two or two-thousand that helps you make it through those tough days, comment it! I'd love to hear yours!!

Or you could join me in my challenge and post your own Stay ((And/Or Becoming)) Strong playlist on your blog!!!! Pretty Please? :)

Small Thoughts Before My Project

My "Becoming Strong" project is in the works I'm self-editing and re-wording and being busy with life at the moment, but that will come soon. I do have some small, hardly-composed thoughts that I would like to share though.

Recently Rae posted a call to arms (or legs, as it were) on her blog, and I have a bit of a response. Please read her words if you haven't already, they are beautiful and it would be a dishonor to her to attempt to summarize them in my own. Though Rae is awesome and has the physical capabilities to run a marathon, I do not. I would pass out. Literally. --I could've just convinced myself that that's true, but I'm pretty sure it is-- But for some of us the road of life is a marathon of trials and rough patches and road blocks and tumbleweeds and pot holes and deer jumping in front of us, and continuing on the road is a marathon of "I can do it"'s (after a triathlon of secret "I can't, I just can't anymore"'s) For those of us who feel that way, it's very important to give yourself a pat on the back (Yes, even if you're being watched by someone) for all your hard work and excellent driving past all those obstacles! Seriously, give yourself some credit for all of your hard work. Even if you're the only person giving you credit, you deserve it. Let yourself feel that "I've just done the impossible and I feel FANTASTIC!!" feeling. I know that sometimes dragging yourself out of bed takes Herculean effort, and you rarely get credit for that Greek-hero effort. Give yourself a treat, a smile, a pat on the back, a hug, an award!!! Find the people who you can tell your slip-ups to, but also your successes! I'm sorry to all of those who I tend to only tell my follies to. I promise I have successes!!! But mostly give yourself credit. It's so hard sometimes, but I promise it makes you feel better. It makes you feel stronger and braver and more beautiful and whole. If your day is an Ironman (triathlon of 2.4 miles of swimming, a marathon, and 112 miles of biking!!!!) give yourself some much-needed satisfaction that you are doing what you've set out to do! I'm here, ready with a hug, pat on the back, treat, or award if you need it from an outside source. Sometimes you do need someone else to tell you, what you're telling yourself daily. Feel free to call me, facebook me, text me, email me, comment here, anything but Morse Code because I don't understand Morse Code. I'll give you a pep talk! I like to think I'm kinda good at them. And I'm happy to be a Rescuer for anyone else who needs it.

On another note: I'm happy to announce I've decided to do something pretty darn brave and go to an audition for an opportunity at Disneyland Hong Kong! It would only be 6 months if I do make the cut, and if I don't that's totally fine with me, I'll just keep on going here, try again, go to school, I don't know, figure something out. I woke up this morning and saw the audition and knew I had to go. So here goes nothing!

Becoming Strong

I've been following Demi Lovato's recovery story and her motto is "Stay Strong". She had it tattooed on her wrists over the scars from cutting. Now, I am NOT saying I'm a cutter--I'm not a cutter I promise! But I do appreciate her motto and her sharing her story with others. And I'm using her as inspiration and a precautionary tale. You should always, always, ALWAYS ask for help before getting to a point anywhere near cutting or an eating disorder. (Disclaimer: she does have a mental condition, not that that's an excuse, it does make the situation slightly more understandable though.)

So in order to help myself Stay Strong I won't be tattooing the message on my wrists, but I will be taking the message to heart. For me though, I think it's more of a Becoming Strong. (Yes, Rae, Mom, Kavyn, and whoever else chooses to comment on this, feel free to tell me how strong I already am, I will save it in my documents of things to read frequently that make me feel strong.) I will be doing different segments about my Becoming Strong. The segments are undecided as of yet, but they are to come.

Next will be my Becoming Strong playlist. (Songs that make me feel strong and empowered.)

Balance

Balance is something I've been wondering for a while, and especially today. I feel like Gus Gus from Cinderella (you saw the Disney reference coming didn't you?!) balancing the pieces of corn--at least they look like corn--and dropping all the pieces right when the evil cat Lucifer comes stalking around. (Hehe corn grows on a stalk!!! Yay puns!! Sorry...on with...smart things...) Gus Gus drops all his food all over the ground and scurrying off into the mouse hole nearby. Often I feel like Gus Gus carrying so many pieces of corn and just dropping them one by one. It's much more balanced to drop a few pieces before you drop them all because of an incident.

Recently I was carrying too much and dropped it all when an incident came around. And I know I keep talking about it, but picking up those pieces you left behind when you are still scared that cat is going to peek it's nasty head around the corner and come back and try and bite you.

Learning to take out the unnecessary things in your life and take care of yourself is a big part of balance. I'm still figuring out the other intricacies of balancing life and definitely do not have it mastered. I do have the whole dropping everything and running into a mouse hole sobbing down pat! I'm really great at that.

I find it very hard to balance being brave and beautiful at the same time. It's so hard for me to brave and say the things I need to say even if it hurts someone, even if it only hurts them for a little while and ends up making us stronger. I would so much rather just try and be beautiful and sweet and make everyone happy and feel good, but that can hurt me! Also, I'm bad at looking for the beautiful things in life. I am getting better though! And I guess that's what's important. That's what you need to balance most is trying as hard as you possibly can and looking at yourself and giving yourself credit for how far you've come and everything you have accomplished. And that's the balance I'm working on most.

Bravery

So, I once defined beauty, and I decided to take a crack at defining bravery. When most people think of bravery as a knight in shining armor riding his white horse into battle (or nowadays, I soldier in camo driving a tank into battle), and while yes that takes incredible amounts of bravery I think that there are many different forms of being brave. So here are a few examples of my definition of bravery.

Admitting you need help is very brave. Admitting you have a problem is brave. Even braver is seeking the help and trying your hardest to help yourself. There are so many people who cowardly hide their pain and issues inside, when really they should just let someone know and let themselves free of being trapped inside themselves with their issues.

Being yourself is powerfully brave. Not allowing others to sway you in their judgments of you and their opinions of who you are is brave. Those who truly love you appreciate you for who you are and for who you aren't and encourage you gently toward who you are to become, they don't judge you or hate on you for being who you are now and moving toward who you are becoming.

Feeling good about yourself is brave. In American culture if you don't hate yourself or at least some part of yourself there is supposedly something wrong with you, you're self-centered and prideful and conceited and a bad person. When that isn't true. It's brave to feel good about yourself and accept the things you hate about yourself and to love yourself or at least pieces of yourself.

Living take courage. Taking breaths, waking up every morning, getting out of bed, getting dressed, going to work, taking care of yourself and loved ones, it all takes bravery and courage. Sometimes more than others. How much easier would it be to just let yourself slip away into the Lord's comfort? So much, but living and doing your best at it takes true courage.

Doing your best is brave. It's simple and spineless to stop trying to give up and sit by the side of your life's path. It's brave to stand up and keep walking when you no longer have strength. It's brave to drag yourself along when your legs give out. It's brave to lift up your hand to the person whose path will correspond with yours just when you need them. (Just as God intended it.) It's brave to look down the road and know that someday you will get to that point because you will "keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things," as Walt Disney put it.

Helping others is brave. Giving someone your hand, your shoulder to cry on, your arms to hold them, your eyes to cry with them, your heart to ache with them is courageous. Telling them your experiences to help them is brave.

Trying new things is brave. You don't know what that exotic piece of fruit or mysterious piece of meat is going to taste like, so putting it in your mouth is brave. But trying a new job or school or town or neighborhood or idea or blog or challenge is brave. You don't know how it will affect you and your life, and facing that unknown is brave. Very brave.

Trust is brave. Not stuff like trust-falls, and other stuff you see coworkers doing on TV shows and commercials. True trust is hard and sometimes painful and so brave. Leaning on someone else and telling them your secrets and hopes and fears and dreams is brave and sometimes so hard.

Love is heroic. Giving someone part of your heart and hoping, praying, and trusting they won't shatter it or leave it out in the rain to catch cold or simply hand it back is incredibly brave. It's brave to keep loving someone after you've hurt them, or after they've hurt you. Even though you've given those people a piece of you, you can still feel that piece they're holding on to. It's easy and cowardly to just walk away and take your heart back from someone you love, it's brave to put yourself on the line again and keep loving them and give them another chance. (Disclaimer: Sometimes giving someone another chance is just stupid, not brave. You have to be the judge of that for yourself, here's for hoping you aren't stupid! Hehe!)

This is a suit of armor in Disneyland, he's pretty brave to just stand there. Hehe!

It just sounded like fun to put in a picture of him :)

That's my Mom! She's struggled through most of her life and you would never know it. Her strength and bravery is quiet and peaceful. Her courage is lost to words. Her experiences are inexplicable. Her strength is unfathomable. She's a beautiful, brave, wonderful woman.

This is Rae's Phill. He's been deployed twice, leaving his wife and children behind to go off to the horrors of war, not knowing whether or not he would come back to them. Not only that he's picked up his family and moved to a new place about every 3 years. Including in August, when they'll move to Texas.

This is Phill's Rae. She's gone through everything with him, always by his side, always supporting him. Not only that she's courageously raised 3 children, while go through personal struggles. Rae's gone through an inexplicable amount of challenges, that I've only begun to fathom, and bravely borne them and struggled through them, trying so hard to move forward past them. While trying to drag herself down her path of life, she's picked up others along the way, forgetting her own struggles and helping those she's found in their challenges. Rae has handled her challenges with equal helpings of bravery, beauty and sweetness. Which is truly admirable.

This is my Kavyn. You all know that I love her and she's my best friend. What you may not know is that she has placed her already rocky path of life right next to my broken and often hidden one, and not only does she leave her path to let me cry on her shoulders, and to comfort me as I try to be brave (often failing), but she picks me up and carries me as far as she can. Something else you don't know is that she feels lucky to do so and asks for nothing in return. Completely selflessly she listens to me whine and watches me try and trip and often fail, and just tells me that she loves me too and to keep going because I'm stronger and braver than I give myself credit for. She is so brave to love me. And so brave to keep going and living and fighting the fight she's been handed. She's not got it easy, but she handles it at her very best which is all anyone can ask. This girl's a special one, so watch out world, she's going to change you. Even if it's only one person at a time.

The Rescuers

Okay, I haven't watched The Rescuers in a few years, but I was thinking about it today as I was playing through one of the songs in my amazing Disney song book.

What little orphan girl doesn't spend her days dreaming of the wonderful, warm, kind, beautiful people who will adopt her? And then poor little Penny (the little girl in The Rescuers, if you didn't remember) gets kidnapped by Medusa and Snoops! Instead of a brother and sister she has two crocodiles to watch after her. Instead of a Mom and Dad who love her, she has two slave masters who just want her to squeeze down that little hole to get the big diamond.

So then she dreams of being rescued. And she does something to help herself. She sends out little bottles with notes in them, in the hopes that someone will find them and then her. Not only that she prays. She prays and prays for help and for someone to save her.

Luckily, I've never been an orphan, and I've never been kidnapped and had crocodiles be my guard. But I've had people rescue me before and I'm sure I'll have people rescue me in the future. And hopefully I've rescued at least one other person. We all need help. And we all need to help ourselves. And we all need help from God. Hopefully he'll send us some angels--whether in the form of two mice and a dragonfly, or a friend, or parents, or a stranger--and they will rescue us. And just maybe Heavenly Father will let us be someone else's angel and have us rescue them from their demons.

The song that inspired this is Someone's Waiting For You. It touches a special place in my heart and never fails to make me cry. It helps me remember that someone's waiting for me. And hopefully someone tall, dark, and very handsome (rich wouldn't hurt either) is waiting for me. Maybe even just as impatiently as I'm waiting for him. Someday--hopefully soon!--the waiting will be over. :) For now, I'll just try to be a Rescuer. Doing whatever small amount I can do.

30DC Day 30

A picture of you today and 20 goals:

Okay, I cheated, this wasn't taken today. This was taken 2 months ago. But I figure it's close enough. I have work in an hour so my hair's all back and I'm just not photo ready.

Hmmm...20 goals...That's a lot... Well, here we go!

1. Get up and put my laundry in the dryer...
2. Pin the dress I'm wearing for an event tomorrow :)
3. Grow a bust size for the event tomorrow (too bad that's pretty much impossible)
4. Eat lunch before I go to work.
5. Get home from work in time to see Chelsea Kane dance on Dancing With the Stars!
6. Have a good attitude at work. (That's hard sometimes)
7. File and clip my nails.
8. Get lip liner tomorrow (and a nail file).
9. Finish writing the chapter of a story I'm working on.
10. Make an eye doctor and dentist appointment.
11. Beat my high score at Bejeweled (310,000!!)
12. Finish rereading the Harry Potter series.
13. Write meaningful blog posts at least once a week.
14. Practice piano at least every other day.
15. Organize and purge my bedroom. (I have WAY too much crap!)
16. Scrapbook my stuff from my time at Disneyland.
17. Figure out what to do for Kavyn for her birthday which is in 51 days!!! AH!
18. Attend a Disney audition
19. Go back to school.
20. Finish this blog post.

Hey I accomplished 2 of those! The first and the last!

Consider my 30 Day Challenge complete!!!!

30DC Day 29

In the past month how have you changed?

Goodness gracious. Didn't we just go over this?! I've think that I've changed immensely. Become more understanding and less hot-headed. I've sweetened and softened. But at the same time I've become bolder and braver with my words and feelings. Also I'm more forgiving.

Along with all these deep and meaningful things my hair has changed colors and is now all one color. Before it was black on the bottom, brown towards the top and dishwater blonde at the roots. Now it's all dark brown. And that makes me very happy. And I started trying purple eyeshadow and eyeliner and lipstick and just lots of makeup. And it's so fun!

30DC Day 28

A picture of you last year and now and how things have changed since then:

Last year

This year

And oh dear, oh dear. What hasn't changed since last year?

Well, my name and that's about it.

Everything in my life has changed in the last year it seems. Especially me.

And that's a good thing I think.

I've calmed down in a lot of ways (As I tried to illustrate with the photos)

I've become much more adult.

I've become way more obsessed with makeup.

My relationships have been tested and strengthened.

I am no longer a teenager like last year.

Anyway many, many things have changed. And hopefully all for the better. I'm not the best judge of that though.

30DC

Okay, I have three left!! Almost done! But they're all like: take a picture of yourself today and stuff...and it's really late and I just got off work a little while ago, you don't want to see a picture of me right now. So I solemnly swear to do them in the next few days okay? :) (I really hope at least someone thought "I am up to no good" after I said "I solemnly swear".--I'm rereading the Harry Potter series if you didn't notice.) It will sure be weird to not have a post coming out every day. But hopefully I'll have enough purposeful ideas for every week.

30DC Day 27

Why are you doing this 30 Day Challenge:

First I did it because Rae did and said I should. And reading through the daily write-ups I was scared of writing some of those things and didn't know if I could. So it was brave to do this, which fits in quite well with my blog theme.

30DC Day 26

Places you want to visit before you die:

The Eiffel Tower

The Paris Opera House

(The home of Erik--the Phantom of the Opera)

The Hall of Mirrors at Versailles

(Where Marie Antoinette was married to King Louis XVI)

Disneyland Paris

Disneyland Hong Kong

I want to go to England.

Also, I want to go to Italy

I pretty much just want to go everywhere. Just these places especially. I want to take 2-3 months off of my life and go to every Disney park for a week or 2. That would be awesome. And then more time off to see Europe.

30DC Day 25

What I would find in your bag:

My wallet

Lipgloss

Carmex

Doodle Paper

Daisy Duck pen

Donald Duck mirror (Thanks again Kav!! She gave it to me for my birthday!!!)

Keys (on a Jonas Brothers lanyard!)

Team Jonas Ray Ban sunglasses! (I LOVE THEM!!)

My iPod

Random trash

Various food items like nuts just in case my blood sugar dips

30DC Day 24

Share a story about your past you're ashamed of:

Once I hit my sister over the head with a heavy men's hard-plastic flip-flop. Hard. I'm sorry Em. :(

30DC Day 23

What is something you crave:

Comfort. I constantly crave comfort and love. I crave big squishing hugs and cuddles. Maybe that's why I love kids, they're so free with their hugs and with their loves.

Also, I crave steak frequently. That probably means I need more iron and protein in my diet. Or that I just like steak.

30DC Day 22

What makes you different from everyone else:

This question I'm really excited about! Here we go!

I'm full of contradictions. (I hate bananas and love banana bread. I love kids but don't wanna be a teacher or daycare worker. I think quite a bit, but so quickly it seems I'm not thinking. There are so many more you'd just have to get to know me to get to know them.)

I love a lot of things, and with all my heart. Truly I do.

I'm satisfied with having just a few very close friends. I don't need a lot of friends. Even just one person to understand and love me is more than enough.

I dream ginormously. I don't think enough people do. Or maybe they don't admit it like me.

I write a blog about improving myself. (Maybe that's not so individual but I thought maybe.)

When I watch Phantom of the Opera or Enchanted or various princess movies alone I put on my petticoat (yes, I own 2), and then one of 2 of my big ball gowns and dance around my house singing along. :)

30DC Day 21

Share a picture of your day:

I have a cold (I'm actually nearly better today!!!!!!) so I've been sitting on the couch with that box of tissues, which I've used SO many of. I've filled a garbage bag with tissues in the past two or three days, I swear.

Technically today (from about 12:30-1:30 am) I was researching reasons why it's okay that Rae's moving. That picture right there is the number one reason why it's okay. It's the home of Denise and Kevin Sr. Jonas. Can you guess what me and Rae will be doing when I go to visit her? Well if you can't, you obviously don't know me very well.

(Maybe I'll bring them a birdhouse!! HAHA!...If you've seen Camp Rock and paid attention to Kevin's character you'll understand!)

30DC Day 20

If you had 3 wishes, what would they be:

"If you tell a wish it won't come true." ;) Thank you Cinderella for that brilliant excuse to not tell your innermost wishes.

Poetry

I don't know if any of you know this, but I am a published poet. One of my pieces was published in my high school's literary magazine. Maybe one day I'll post it. But today I've been thinking about this poem that I'll share with you. It's been a rough day. I found out that Rae is moving to Texas. By August 1st. I'm very upset. But there is a positive!! She will live only about a 20 minute drive from Fort Worth which is where the majority of the Jonas family lives. (Maybe Reed will go to school with Frankie Jonas!!!! Okay...that's highly unlikely, but I can dream right?! The answer is YES I CAN!! And I WILL as big as I please.) But I don't want her to leave me. I love Rachel. She's the older sister I've never had, and one of my best friends. And all day I kept thinking the opening lines of this poem for her, but couldn't remember the rest. Miraculously it was in the first folder of things I've written that I looked at. (There are several. And hardly any of the work is worth showing anyone, honestly.)

Without further ado, my poem entitled Fear Him?

They say to fear Him,

to fear our Lord.

We're told He'd smite us

for all our sins.

But I cannot fear Him

He paid for my sins.

He helps me through days

I just can't face alone.

I feel the power of His love

from the glowing sunshine up above,

the beautiful flowers down below,

the warm soft grass between my toes.

How can I fear Him?

He's saved me from death,

every day he gives me breath.

How can I fear Him?

He suffered for me in a grove of tress

and died for me at Calgary.

How can I fear Him?

He felt my pain while here on earth

so I could have a second birth.

How can I fear Him?
I feel the power of His love

from the glowing sunshine above

the beautiful flowers down below

and the warm, soft grass between my toes.

How can I fear Him like they say?

I only love Him stronger every day.

(I wrote this one day during church as someone was giving a talk, that I don't remember what it was about. And I remember my mom showing it to a lady in my ward--who was later my English 1010 teacher--who complimented me and it's stuck with me. I don't know why I've been thinking this today, but I have. And I felt like sharing. I hope you enjoyed, or at least it made you think. P.S. I don't know how copyrights work, but please respect that this is my work, my words. It takes a great deal for me to share my words as poetry is my soul on paper. Thank you.)

Rae I love you. I know Heavenly Father and Christ love you. They're watching over you and your family. Everything will go well in Texas. Somehow, we'll both be okay. :)

30DC Day 19

Nicknames you have and how or why you got them:

I'm not one that gets nicknames easily. I only really have 4 I've ever been called.

C or C-C: From the first initial/syllable of my name.

Goo: From my childhood. Embarrassing I know.

Beers: My last name. While working at a pizza place there were 2 Ciera's so I was called by my last name for clarification.

Flea: Kavyn calls me this sometimes because I'm so small I'm a Flea. It's kinda odd and endearing and cute and I love it. :)