Feeling Good

So I am having a pretty great day today, and really for no particular reason whatsoever. Actually it's been a miracle that today I have felt so great about my day.

I had to work today, for the 5th Saturday in a row. And, hey, even though my social life is fully DOA, I still like a Saturday off every once in a while so then I actually have a chance to recharge before the new work week. (Not that I hate work, we just all need breaks, you know?)
I've felt SO judged and SO belittled and SO disrespected and SO unheard this past week especially. Far more than usual. (Just ask Rae, I've told her about 10 billion times this week.)
Today was also someone's birthday who I no longer speak to and miss daily and today marks 2 years since I've seen this person. And I anticipated today to be one of those difficult days where I wish I could go back in time and change my decision to sever those ties.

And even though these 3 major things (and others I'm not ready to parade around the internet) were counting against me I still had a fantastic-feeling day! Can you believe it?! And I feel so empowered by the fact that I feel so much more fantastic than expected, that I feel more fantastic, and it's all one big splendid spiral of better-than-expected-happiness.

Today I was grateful to have a job, and grateful for how much my job has taught me about my personal finances. And really seeing how far I've come--especially in the past 3 years--in budgeting, sticking to a budget, and even saving.
I felt pretty, confident, and more able to show my true colors today. And even though I'm usually very confident in the blessing of my attractive facade, my confidence of my insides and letting people see me has always been a struggle.
Even though I was missing the aforementioned person, I realized how much better off I really am without that person, and how much I have grown without them. And even though I still miss them and I do still think of them and care about them, today I feel solid in my choice to not be their friend any longer. Today I feel peaceful and whole without them. I'm glad for them that they have their own life without me, and I'm glad for me and my independence.

Hooray for a wonderful day! I hope you had one too.


And if you're reading this you-know-who-you-are happy birthday. (But that does not mean my decision's changed.)

Be KIND!!

So I'm sure you are all also SO sick of hate, of negativity, of bad news, of just general not-nice-ness. Aren't you? I am.
I'm not just sick of the not-nice-ness that is rampant on the news, social media, or any media, but I'm sick to nausea of not-nice-ness between people! To hear people undercut, undermine, belittle, and bring down their fellow humans is so discouraging to me right now. Perhaps it's because I'm especially tender, still struggling through some big trials and battles I've been fighting. Perhaps it's because I'm just an emotionally tender person anyway. Perhaps it's because it seems as though the negativity and not-nice-ness has seemed to be thrown in my face very much lately.
Enough ranting from me. Here's my encouraging:

Be kind!! Everyone around you is struggling with something. Every single person near you has messed up something today, big or small. Everyone around you has something that has hurt them so deeply that they couldn't express it to you if they tried. Everyone has pain, loneliness, hurt, anger, frustration. And everyone (did you read that right?! Everyone!!) needs a smile from a kind stranger, or a door held open, or a compliment, or just a kind vibe. Even if that is all you can do, that is enough to change someone's day, which has a ripple affect on the their week, month, year and life! Think of that! Just for a moment imagine the lives you can change just by taking a millisecond from a busy second to do some minute kindness. And then take a longer moment to imagine the lives you change by bigger kindnesses and services that you are capable of doing for others without even interrupting your own life by very much at all. Isn't it amazing, that vision you see now? The people who will look back at how you helped them at the end of the day (or week, month, or life). Now don't you feel a little better and a little more kind? --Yes, you're welcome!

Think positive!! There will always be something that will have the capability of ruining your day, of pulling you down, of taking you to a dark place. But guess what?! We are also blessed (every single one of us!) with many beautiful, wonderful, positive, light-filled things that can distract you from those not-nice things and help to keep you positive and kind. How many things can you think of today that went wrong, that made you mad, that hurt your feelings, or that just wasn't good? Probably a lot. But how many things can you think of today that went right, that you learned, that made you smile, that made you laugh, that lifted your spirits, that gave you hope? Is it the same amount as the not-nice? Maybe more? Or is it less? For me honestly it's less today. But hopefully tomorrow I will do better and see more that's positive. I'm not going to guilt myself about it today and give myself more not-nice-ness, I will just accept I didn't do my best and try harder tomorrow.

Build people up! There is far too much verbal attacking and taking down in our world. And I'm guilty of it too! But can we all please try a little harder to build each other up. To find something good in others? A former coworker of mine once said, "At least he breathes well!" about someone who was driving us both a little crazy. And ever since I've loved that concept. If nothing else a live human being breathes well. And you can tell merely by the fact that they're still alive. Marvelous isn't it?! I just gave you something positive about every single person on the planet! And guess what?! There's more than that positive in just about every single human being out of the 7 billion of us trying to muddle through life on this planet. Maybe you don't understand that one person you're thinking about right now who's driving you absolutely batty, but isn't it fantastic? Isn't it wonderful that so many different types of people exist in our world? Think of the things that person is capable that perhaps you aren't. For example the person I'm thinking of right now is far more skilled in speaking their mind and communicating to another person their opinion, which is a good thing! This other person is more likely to get what they're asking for, because they're better at asking for it. (See, finding their positive wasn't so hard was it?) 

Just keep trying. It's hard. Life is hard. Being positive is hard. Liking people is hard. And it's kinda stinky to fight the not-nice-ness. But you can do it!! You're gonna screw up. I'm gonna screw up. But we can keep trying. And that's all we can do! All we can do is try! So don't get bogged down in how much you screw up (or how much I screw up...it's a lot...). Just keep going. Acknowledge that your best effort wasn't met, and then just keep trying, knowing that you'll never be perfect. Yes some days are just down right awful and everything crashes down around you and you just need to go home with at least a pint of ice cream and just cry and shovel the sugary fatty bad-for-you dairy into your face. BUT THAT'S OKAY! We are human. We are allowed bad days. We are permitted mistakes, and horrible, awful, so-bad, Jonah days. But then we can--and I argue must--pick ourselves back up and soldier on, seeing the most positive and being the most kind we can be. Please do NOT feel like I'm telling you to be perfectly happy in spite of any negative thing. NO!!! You are allowed to feel bad, and wallow a little, but don't stay there forever! Gain your strength, and depend on others' strength if you must, and keep going the best you can. And use your experiences feeling awful to have pity and empathy and sympathy for others when you see them struggling. I truly and honestly believe that the not-nice things that happen to us have purpose. And sometimes the only purpose seems to be to give you more compassion for others. Don't let the not-nice-ness make you not-nice. Let it do the opposite and give you more understanding, more love, more capability for light.

Above all be kind. Kind to others. And kind to yourself. Just kind. :)

Change, Change, Change!

Well, folks, things have got to change in my life. And I've known that for a long time and been working for it for a long time, and it just hasn't been working. I'm sick of being in this holding pattern. And honest-to-goodness I've been working so hard to get out of it. But with things as they are, I just can't be here and change my life the way it needs to. So I'm leaving. I'm going to the great state of Texas. My dear, dear Rae lives there, and soon her sister Abby, and her sister Liz lives just to the north in Oklahoma. And a school there in Dallas has the degree I want, and it just seems like the only place for me that makes sense. (Unless Disney calls me to be a part of their entertainment department! In which case Anaheim, Orlando, Paris, Tokyo or Hong Kong would make perfect sense! But that doesn't seem to be happening any time soon, so plan B ahoy!)
So, you see that picture? It's a shadowbox to put money I'm saving in (thank you Pinterest for the idea!!). I don't know if you know this, but I'm not good at saving. Okay, I'm not good with money. Like at all. But I'm trying. So there it is. The beginning of the next era of my life. I don't know if you can tell, but there is not one but TWO wrinkled 5 dollar bills in the frame! I'm pretty proud of myself actually. And I'm very excited because I need a change so bad. I need to rid myself of the image of my former self and be able to find who I am now better. I think I have some idea of who I am and who I want to be, but I want to shed the expectations of who I was and be able to know myself.
In the words of Sandy the Squirrel--yes, from Spongebob-- "Wish I could be in Texas, the ocean's no place for a squirrel. Wish I could be in Texas, prettiest place in the world oh-oh...Deep in my heart I'll always be a Texas girl."

Stay ((Becoming)) Strong

Relief

Relief is a huge part of staying or becoming strong for me. I have to take a step back from all the stress and craziness of my life and let myself not think about it for a little while. There's some ways I like to take respite from my whirlwind of a world. So here's an inevitably too-long explanatory list of ways that I get my relief.

Beautiful Films:

I love watching movies and especially ones that are beautifully captured, beautifully written, and beautifully acted. I love when those three aspects of the film come together in a way that is captivating and meaningful. Some of the many that I adore are Anne of Green Gables and Anne of Avonlea (which I'm watching now!), Young Victoria (I'm working on a whole post about that one!), Sense and Sensibility, Beaches, Finding Neverland, and many, many more. Also, funny movies are great! And Disney movies, those are awesome!

Writing:

I write poems, my blog, short stories, and other such things for fun and for myself (except this blog). I don't share the things I write very often (as in hardly at all), they're just for me, and it's a fantastic release of excess stress.

Picture Taking:

I like taking pictures (especially after buying Rae's first DSLR camera!! Thanks again Rae!!!!!) I've been practicing as much as possible and feel like I am getting better. I took pictures of Emily's graduation and am currently working on editing them, experimenting and such. And I'm having way too much fun. I'm no photographer, just a picture-taker. Rachael Ray always calls herself a cook and not a chef and I'm calling myself a picture-taker and not a photographer. One day I'll graduate to photographer, but that's not going to come for a while, though a separate photography blog will be coming soon!! :)

Piano:

I've played piano since I was 8 and really didn't appreciate it for a long time. I haven't taken lessons in more than 3 years and now only play the songs that have stuck with me and only for myself. I'll play to let emotions go and to express myself without harming anyone else and I'll play to keep my fingers from forgetting the keys. Singing goes along with that, but I've been consistently ill this winter and my voice sounds like a bullfrog right now. :(

Imagination:

Imagining and pretending are brilliant and beautiful and so relieving. You can escape into a dream world all your own and have whatever and whomever you'd like. Prince Charming comes bursting through the doors at work and sweeps you away singing the whole way to his valiant steed (which is generally a shiny black BMW or Lamborghini or Porsche or similar). Or you slay the evil dragon shooting flames at you constantly. Secretly, I imagine myself to sleep every night.

Well, that's them. Hopefully, you didn't get lost in my words. :) I worry sometimes that Rae's the only one who slogs through swamp of my reveries. Don't worry, the monsters are banned from my blog by the knights of my fingertips! Until next time!!

((With all of these posts about Staying or Becoming Strong, feel free to post in your blogs, or in comments here things that you do to Stay and Become Strong! I would LOVE to hear your thoughts on this!! Also, secretly, it would make me feel influential and important, which would be nice! ;) ))

Small Thoughts Before My Project

My "Becoming Strong" project is in the works I'm self-editing and re-wording and being busy with life at the moment, but that will come soon. I do have some small, hardly-composed thoughts that I would like to share though.

Recently Rae posted a call to arms (or legs, as it were) on her blog, and I have a bit of a response. Please read her words if you haven't already, they are beautiful and it would be a dishonor to her to attempt to summarize them in my own. Though Rae is awesome and has the physical capabilities to run a marathon, I do not. I would pass out. Literally. --I could've just convinced myself that that's true, but I'm pretty sure it is-- But for some of us the road of life is a marathon of trials and rough patches and road blocks and tumbleweeds and pot holes and deer jumping in front of us, and continuing on the road is a marathon of "I can do it"'s (after a triathlon of secret "I can't, I just can't anymore"'s) For those of us who feel that way, it's very important to give yourself a pat on the back (Yes, even if you're being watched by someone) for all your hard work and excellent driving past all those obstacles! Seriously, give yourself some credit for all of your hard work. Even if you're the only person giving you credit, you deserve it. Let yourself feel that "I've just done the impossible and I feel FANTASTIC!!" feeling. I know that sometimes dragging yourself out of bed takes Herculean effort, and you rarely get credit for that Greek-hero effort. Give yourself a treat, a smile, a pat on the back, a hug, an award!!! Find the people who you can tell your slip-ups to, but also your successes! I'm sorry to all of those who I tend to only tell my follies to. I promise I have successes!!! But mostly give yourself credit. It's so hard sometimes, but I promise it makes you feel better. It makes you feel stronger and braver and more beautiful and whole. If your day is an Ironman (triathlon of 2.4 miles of swimming, a marathon, and 112 miles of biking!!!!) give yourself some much-needed satisfaction that you are doing what you've set out to do! I'm here, ready with a hug, pat on the back, treat, or award if you need it from an outside source. Sometimes you do need someone else to tell you, what you're telling yourself daily. Feel free to call me, facebook me, text me, email me, comment here, anything but Morse Code because I don't understand Morse Code. I'll give you a pep talk! I like to think I'm kinda good at them. And I'm happy to be a Rescuer for anyone else who needs it.

On another note: I'm happy to announce I've decided to do something pretty darn brave and go to an audition for an opportunity at Disneyland Hong Kong! It would only be 6 months if I do make the cut, and if I don't that's totally fine with me, I'll just keep on going here, try again, go to school, I don't know, figure something out. I woke up this morning and saw the audition and knew I had to go. So here goes nothing!

Becoming Strong

I've been following Demi Lovato's recovery story and her motto is "Stay Strong". She had it tattooed on her wrists over the scars from cutting. Now, I am NOT saying I'm a cutter--I'm not a cutter I promise! But I do appreciate her motto and her sharing her story with others. And I'm using her as inspiration and a precautionary tale. You should always, always, ALWAYS ask for help before getting to a point anywhere near cutting or an eating disorder. (Disclaimer: she does have a mental condition, not that that's an excuse, it does make the situation slightly more understandable though.)

So in order to help myself Stay Strong I won't be tattooing the message on my wrists, but I will be taking the message to heart. For me though, I think it's more of a Becoming Strong. (Yes, Rae, Mom, Kavyn, and whoever else chooses to comment on this, feel free to tell me how strong I already am, I will save it in my documents of things to read frequently that make me feel strong.) I will be doing different segments about my Becoming Strong. The segments are undecided as of yet, but they are to come.

Next will be my Becoming Strong playlist. (Songs that make me feel strong and empowered.)