Feeling Good

So I am having a pretty great day today, and really for no particular reason whatsoever. Actually it's been a miracle that today I have felt so great about my day.

I had to work today, for the 5th Saturday in a row. And, hey, even though my social life is fully DOA, I still like a Saturday off every once in a while so then I actually have a chance to recharge before the new work week. (Not that I hate work, we just all need breaks, you know?)
I've felt SO judged and SO belittled and SO disrespected and SO unheard this past week especially. Far more than usual. (Just ask Rae, I've told her about 10 billion times this week.)
Today was also someone's birthday who I no longer speak to and miss daily and today marks 2 years since I've seen this person. And I anticipated today to be one of those difficult days where I wish I could go back in time and change my decision to sever those ties.

And even though these 3 major things (and others I'm not ready to parade around the internet) were counting against me I still had a fantastic-feeling day! Can you believe it?! And I feel so empowered by the fact that I feel so much more fantastic than expected, that I feel more fantastic, and it's all one big splendid spiral of better-than-expected-happiness.

Today I was grateful to have a job, and grateful for how much my job has taught me about my personal finances. And really seeing how far I've come--especially in the past 3 years--in budgeting, sticking to a budget, and even saving.
I felt pretty, confident, and more able to show my true colors today. And even though I'm usually very confident in the blessing of my attractive facade, my confidence of my insides and letting people see me has always been a struggle.
Even though I was missing the aforementioned person, I realized how much better off I really am without that person, and how much I have grown without them. And even though I still miss them and I do still think of them and care about them, today I feel solid in my choice to not be their friend any longer. Today I feel peaceful and whole without them. I'm glad for them that they have their own life without me, and I'm glad for me and my independence.

Hooray for a wonderful day! I hope you had one too.


And if you're reading this you-know-who-you-are happy birthday. (But that does not mean my decision's changed.)

Be KIND!!

So I'm sure you are all also SO sick of hate, of negativity, of bad news, of just general not-nice-ness. Aren't you? I am.
I'm not just sick of the not-nice-ness that is rampant on the news, social media, or any media, but I'm sick to nausea of not-nice-ness between people! To hear people undercut, undermine, belittle, and bring down their fellow humans is so discouraging to me right now. Perhaps it's because I'm especially tender, still struggling through some big trials and battles I've been fighting. Perhaps it's because I'm just an emotionally tender person anyway. Perhaps it's because it seems as though the negativity and not-nice-ness has seemed to be thrown in my face very much lately.
Enough ranting from me. Here's my encouraging:

Be kind!! Everyone around you is struggling with something. Every single person near you has messed up something today, big or small. Everyone around you has something that has hurt them so deeply that they couldn't express it to you if they tried. Everyone has pain, loneliness, hurt, anger, frustration. And everyone (did you read that right?! Everyone!!) needs a smile from a kind stranger, or a door held open, or a compliment, or just a kind vibe. Even if that is all you can do, that is enough to change someone's day, which has a ripple affect on the their week, month, year and life! Think of that! Just for a moment imagine the lives you can change just by taking a millisecond from a busy second to do some minute kindness. And then take a longer moment to imagine the lives you change by bigger kindnesses and services that you are capable of doing for others without even interrupting your own life by very much at all. Isn't it amazing, that vision you see now? The people who will look back at how you helped them at the end of the day (or week, month, or life). Now don't you feel a little better and a little more kind? --Yes, you're welcome!

Think positive!! There will always be something that will have the capability of ruining your day, of pulling you down, of taking you to a dark place. But guess what?! We are also blessed (every single one of us!) with many beautiful, wonderful, positive, light-filled things that can distract you from those not-nice things and help to keep you positive and kind. How many things can you think of today that went wrong, that made you mad, that hurt your feelings, or that just wasn't good? Probably a lot. But how many things can you think of today that went right, that you learned, that made you smile, that made you laugh, that lifted your spirits, that gave you hope? Is it the same amount as the not-nice? Maybe more? Or is it less? For me honestly it's less today. But hopefully tomorrow I will do better and see more that's positive. I'm not going to guilt myself about it today and give myself more not-nice-ness, I will just accept I didn't do my best and try harder tomorrow.

Build people up! There is far too much verbal attacking and taking down in our world. And I'm guilty of it too! But can we all please try a little harder to build each other up. To find something good in others? A former coworker of mine once said, "At least he breathes well!" about someone who was driving us both a little crazy. And ever since I've loved that concept. If nothing else a live human being breathes well. And you can tell merely by the fact that they're still alive. Marvelous isn't it?! I just gave you something positive about every single person on the planet! And guess what?! There's more than that positive in just about every single human being out of the 7 billion of us trying to muddle through life on this planet. Maybe you don't understand that one person you're thinking about right now who's driving you absolutely batty, but isn't it fantastic? Isn't it wonderful that so many different types of people exist in our world? Think of the things that person is capable that perhaps you aren't. For example the person I'm thinking of right now is far more skilled in speaking their mind and communicating to another person their opinion, which is a good thing! This other person is more likely to get what they're asking for, because they're better at asking for it. (See, finding their positive wasn't so hard was it?) 

Just keep trying. It's hard. Life is hard. Being positive is hard. Liking people is hard. And it's kinda stinky to fight the not-nice-ness. But you can do it!! You're gonna screw up. I'm gonna screw up. But we can keep trying. And that's all we can do! All we can do is try! So don't get bogged down in how much you screw up (or how much I screw up...it's a lot...). Just keep going. Acknowledge that your best effort wasn't met, and then just keep trying, knowing that you'll never be perfect. Yes some days are just down right awful and everything crashes down around you and you just need to go home with at least a pint of ice cream and just cry and shovel the sugary fatty bad-for-you dairy into your face. BUT THAT'S OKAY! We are human. We are allowed bad days. We are permitted mistakes, and horrible, awful, so-bad, Jonah days. But then we can--and I argue must--pick ourselves back up and soldier on, seeing the most positive and being the most kind we can be. Please do NOT feel like I'm telling you to be perfectly happy in spite of any negative thing. NO!!! You are allowed to feel bad, and wallow a little, but don't stay there forever! Gain your strength, and depend on others' strength if you must, and keep going the best you can. And use your experiences feeling awful to have pity and empathy and sympathy for others when you see them struggling. I truly and honestly believe that the not-nice things that happen to us have purpose. And sometimes the only purpose seems to be to give you more compassion for others. Don't let the not-nice-ness make you not-nice. Let it do the opposite and give you more understanding, more love, more capability for light.

Above all be kind. Kind to others. And kind to yourself. Just kind. :)

Caring for Myself

So today I was feeling pretty crumby and missing so many people so achingly much I couldn't stand it, so I pulled on yoga pants, gym shoes, and an old Disney t-shirt plugged in my iPod and set off. Where I didn't know, how far I had no clue. All I knew is that I felt terrible and I wanted my legs to pound my emotion into the earth, to let her feel my pain and to receive endorphins back from my pounding into the pavement. With Adele, Taylor Swift, Demi Lovato, and the Jonas Brothers fueling my half-sobbing terribly emotion walk/run--note that walk came before run, lots more walking happened than running--I made it through 2 miles, 2 miles thinking of days gone by. Those days included my sophomore year of high school when I was in high school and could mostly jog 3 miles in half an hour. And as my feet pattered a pattern the pavement I let all my walls down and just felt. It was refreshing and frustrating. Frustrating for the weakness of my frame. Frustrating for the inability to go faster. Frustrating for the inability to run longer. Frustrating for the people driving the streets and on the side of the road. Frustrating for the lack of loneliness my heart felt. Refreshing for the pumping of my legs. Refreshing for the beating of my heart. Refreshing for the giving over of myself to the strumming of guitars, pounding of drums and tinkle of the ivory. Refreshing for the reminder that negative emotions are not weakness, it is human strength and proof of love. Refreshing for the caring of myself.

Furthermore I chose to share the songs closest to my heart with all of you. So here you go!

Fix A Heart--Demi Lovato, Unbroken. This song just hits a tender part of my heart at the moment. It hits so close to home and I love it. The lyrics and the plain piano chords just seem to be just for me. Because sometimes someone takes a piece of your heart and you just can't fix it once they broke it, you just have to move past it.

Somewhere Only We Know--Glee Version, The Warblers. Yes, you notice the similar theme to the previous song? Oh how strange...not really! This song never ceases to reduce me to tears. Any version--just especially this one. It makes me wonder about the story of the poor soul who wrote it. I hope they got a good goodbye that they can look back on with a smile now. (And not just a smile from the money they've made since the song is popular.)

I Wish You Love--Nat King Cole, Live at the Sands. Okay, this one makes me sob too. But with his perfect syrupy-smooth voice how could you not? Well....how could I not?? When this one is so similar to the others I don't see how I could say much more except for vent my frustrations that artists neither sing like this nor sing subjects like this any more. And I'm sure you don't really want to hear that rant, because it lasts for days.

Enchanted--Taylor Swift, Speak Now. I REALLY want to be enchanted to meet someone. To come home giggling and blushing and dancing and scream-singing this song. I daydream of meeting said Prince Charming somehow irresistibly charming--as well as me looking completely gorgeous!--like we reach for the same tub of ice cream at the grocery store, or I'm at Disneyland adoring Sleeping Beauty's Castle and I trip over him eating his corn dog from the corn dog cart and he catches me and I treat him to a new corn dog as his is inevitably ruined by my tripping and we enjoy corn dogs together and keep running into each other in the park. Yes, my imagination is reaching for the stars. But it may as well, that's its job!

Someone Like You--Adele, 21. WATCH THIS VIDEO! I'm not lying. Do it now! I loved this song before and now I'm shaking, totally breathless at the magic of this version. It was shattering. The camera work I found really natural and organic and I loved that they were at her house and she was singing for herself. And at the end of the song she's biting her thumb and thinking and a small tear is in her eye and I sobbed. Big, breathless, babyish sobs. It is unbelievable how brilliant that is. Also this song I am constantly playing on my piano and belting or listening to. It's so bittersweet and beautiful and I love it.

Well, for now that's all. I hope you enjoyed my little half-rant half-inspiration. I hope it fueled you in your New Years Resolution to take care of yourself better and stronger too!

Christmas Crafting!

So, in order to distract myself from boredom and loneliness lately I've been rather crafty! (Also it was a cheap way to give people thoughtful gifts for Christmas!) Helped quite a bit by the inspiration of Pinterest I've created all these things in the past month, and am now bragging about them! ...And admittedly so I can pin them on my own Pinterest and brag just a LITTLE more! :)

This is an eternity scarf I made, just two rectangles of plain cotton jersey and a little jersey braid all sewn together and big enough to slip over my head.

This is a little cotton jersey braid that I sewed into a circle to use as a headband! :D

This is a braided waist belt from three equal strips of cotton jersey and sewn on the ends (Haven't figured out a better way to fasten then to just tie at the moment...will update if I figure it out).

These are 3 used Martinelli's bottles (and a babushka doll....I didn't make that...) I made for my sister for Christmas. The one on the left is modge-podged with paper. The one in the middle has jute wrapped around it and hot-glued down. The one on the right is just spray painted with gold paint. ((Hint: to get the label off soak in water over night and it comes right off, then just scrape off the residue with a razor blade or knife.))

The trees there are what I made! You just roll cardstock into a cone and hot-glue it down and embellish if needed. The little white red and green one is covered in little pom-poms or warm fuzzies, the light brown one is circled with jute that is just hot-glued down, the dark brown just has a jute ball on top, and the green one is a patterned paper and I didn't do anything to it after rolling it.

This is the gift I made for my brother and sister-in-law. It's just a frame I painted gold, dollar store ornaments I painted with the white and put the ribbon on and attached them to the back/top of the frame. The bow is just hot-glued to the top of the frame. (If you didn't figure it out, it's a wreath!)

That's all for now!! I'll probably post more later....okay I will probably post more later. I'm addicted to crafting!! :D And I need to post what I made for my mom and dad and myself!

Respite, Rae, and Rambling

I'm thoroughly enjoying Texas. Loving every minute of being so loved and needed by the DeVaults. Savvy needs the girly attention of flipping through magazines and playing dollies. Reed needs the attention logical answers and occasional pretending. Jaxon needs the giggling, tickling and general being silly. And I love it. I haven't been this needed in so long. And it is so refreshing. As my fingers click and clatter across the keys, Rae is singing quietly with each child as she puts them to bed, and admittedly I'm crying. I want so badly to be so loved and needed by my own children. I want so badly a man to love me as her Phill loves her. I want so badly to be more like Rachel. In so many ways. I wish I had more curves, like Rae's perfect shape. I wish I had more of her empathy and depth of emotion in general. I wish I had her energy, her creativity in and out of the home, her ability to make it work (even if "it" is a house that they don't quite fit in, or a scheduling inconvenience).
I don't want to leave. I want to stay sleeping on her couch, petting the kitties--Jude and Olive--, playing with kids, laughing with Phill and Rae, and helping with the endless laundry and dishes of a young family. I want to stay here, healing, until I am whole. I wish I could. And yet the real world calls. Bills, family, school are all screaming my name. I desperately just want to ignore them and stay, stay, stay. Maybe I can. I don't know. But for now I will savor the moments that seem so much like a fairy-tale or a movie. Moments that don't seem to belong in my life. Moments I love. Moments I need. Moments that will sustain me through the future, as the imagination of them sustained me through the past months.
The hardest times of my life have been this past year, and just when I think they're over, they're only beginning. And I've just tried. Tried to keep going, tried to make the best decisions, tried to go in the right direction, tried to keep seeing the good and the beautiful, tried to be brave. Tried. And that's all I could've done, all I can do. That's all any of us can do. Is just try. If that's what we are doing, we can't be ashamed of ourselves. Because we tried. And I have. And I'm okay with it...almost. I'll keep trying and trying and probably crying. Hopefully times will get better. Hopefully.

Coins

Words have not only once again granted me with the pleasure of their company, they may well be overstaying their welcome. Okay, not really. I'm loving the flood of eloquence.

Today the topic I've been mulling over in my mind especially is coins. We're all familiar with coins. Quarters, dimes, nickles, pennies, or whatever else wherever else. But did you realize that there are coins inside us? And no, not just ones that you swallowed when you were a kid! Every trait you have has a flip-side. There's the up-side and the down-side. For example: If you have a big heart, it's likely that big heart has just as much capacity to hurt as to love. That's a big coin of mine. I'm full of love and compassion and I'm fiercely loyal, but I'm injured and insulted easily. I take everything personally because I mean (most) everything personally. The trick is to focus on the up-side of what you've got! Believe me it's hard. That down-side has the power of gravity on it's side. It pulls and drags and holds and tugs and yanks and tows and heaves and thrusts you down. But we are still able to stand on earth, despite gravity right? There's gigantic skyscrapers even with the weight of the world pulling them down aren't there? We grow taller and stronger even with it pulling us down, and I dare say, because it's pulling us down. Having down-sides doesn't make you horrible, it makes you human. You need both sides of the coin to pay for an ice cream cone, don't you?

Well, I hope that makes you feel a little better about your virtues and vices, I know it makes me feel better about mine.

Best luck and all my love to you on your journeys.

"I want you to listen to me very carefully, Harry. You're not a bad person. You're a very good person, who bad things have happened to. Besides, the world isn't split into good people and Death Eaters. We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are." ~Sirius Black, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

"You can take everything I have, you can break everything I am, like I'm made of glass, like I'm made of paper. Go on and try to tear me down, I will be rising from the ground like a skyscraper!" ~Demi Lovato, Skyscraper

Stay ((Becoming)) Strong

Relief

Relief is a huge part of staying or becoming strong for me. I have to take a step back from all the stress and craziness of my life and let myself not think about it for a little while. There's some ways I like to take respite from my whirlwind of a world. So here's an inevitably too-long explanatory list of ways that I get my relief.

Beautiful Films:

I love watching movies and especially ones that are beautifully captured, beautifully written, and beautifully acted. I love when those three aspects of the film come together in a way that is captivating and meaningful. Some of the many that I adore are Anne of Green Gables and Anne of Avonlea (which I'm watching now!), Young Victoria (I'm working on a whole post about that one!), Sense and Sensibility, Beaches, Finding Neverland, and many, many more. Also, funny movies are great! And Disney movies, those are awesome!

Writing:

I write poems, my blog, short stories, and other such things for fun and for myself (except this blog). I don't share the things I write very often (as in hardly at all), they're just for me, and it's a fantastic release of excess stress.

Picture Taking:

I like taking pictures (especially after buying Rae's first DSLR camera!! Thanks again Rae!!!!!) I've been practicing as much as possible and feel like I am getting better. I took pictures of Emily's graduation and am currently working on editing them, experimenting and such. And I'm having way too much fun. I'm no photographer, just a picture-taker. Rachael Ray always calls herself a cook and not a chef and I'm calling myself a picture-taker and not a photographer. One day I'll graduate to photographer, but that's not going to come for a while, though a separate photography blog will be coming soon!! :)

Piano:

I've played piano since I was 8 and really didn't appreciate it for a long time. I haven't taken lessons in more than 3 years and now only play the songs that have stuck with me and only for myself. I'll play to let emotions go and to express myself without harming anyone else and I'll play to keep my fingers from forgetting the keys. Singing goes along with that, but I've been consistently ill this winter and my voice sounds like a bullfrog right now. :(

Imagination:

Imagining and pretending are brilliant and beautiful and so relieving. You can escape into a dream world all your own and have whatever and whomever you'd like. Prince Charming comes bursting through the doors at work and sweeps you away singing the whole way to his valiant steed (which is generally a shiny black BMW or Lamborghini or Porsche or similar). Or you slay the evil dragon shooting flames at you constantly. Secretly, I imagine myself to sleep every night.

Well, that's them. Hopefully, you didn't get lost in my words. :) I worry sometimes that Rae's the only one who slogs through swamp of my reveries. Don't worry, the monsters are banned from my blog by the knights of my fingertips! Until next time!!

((With all of these posts about Staying or Becoming Strong, feel free to post in your blogs, or in comments here things that you do to Stay and Become Strong! I would LOVE to hear your thoughts on this!! Also, secretly, it would make me feel influential and important, which would be nice! ;) ))

Becoming Strong

I've been following Demi Lovato's recovery story and her motto is "Stay Strong". She had it tattooed on her wrists over the scars from cutting. Now, I am NOT saying I'm a cutter--I'm not a cutter I promise! But I do appreciate her motto and her sharing her story with others. And I'm using her as inspiration and a precautionary tale. You should always, always, ALWAYS ask for help before getting to a point anywhere near cutting or an eating disorder. (Disclaimer: she does have a mental condition, not that that's an excuse, it does make the situation slightly more understandable though.)

So in order to help myself Stay Strong I won't be tattooing the message on my wrists, but I will be taking the message to heart. For me though, I think it's more of a Becoming Strong. (Yes, Rae, Mom, Kavyn, and whoever else chooses to comment on this, feel free to tell me how strong I already am, I will save it in my documents of things to read frequently that make me feel strong.) I will be doing different segments about my Becoming Strong. The segments are undecided as of yet, but they are to come.

Next will be my Becoming Strong playlist. (Songs that make me feel strong and empowered.)

Balance

Balance is something I've been wondering for a while, and especially today. I feel like Gus Gus from Cinderella (you saw the Disney reference coming didn't you?!) balancing the pieces of corn--at least they look like corn--and dropping all the pieces right when the evil cat Lucifer comes stalking around. (Hehe corn grows on a stalk!!! Yay puns!! Sorry...on with...smart things...) Gus Gus drops all his food all over the ground and scurrying off into the mouse hole nearby. Often I feel like Gus Gus carrying so many pieces of corn and just dropping them one by one. It's much more balanced to drop a few pieces before you drop them all because of an incident.

Recently I was carrying too much and dropped it all when an incident came around. And I know I keep talking about it, but picking up those pieces you left behind when you are still scared that cat is going to peek it's nasty head around the corner and come back and try and bite you.

Learning to take out the unnecessary things in your life and take care of yourself is a big part of balance. I'm still figuring out the other intricacies of balancing life and definitely do not have it mastered. I do have the whole dropping everything and running into a mouse hole sobbing down pat! I'm really great at that.

I find it very hard to balance being brave and beautiful at the same time. It's so hard for me to brave and say the things I need to say even if it hurts someone, even if it only hurts them for a little while and ends up making us stronger. I would so much rather just try and be beautiful and sweet and make everyone happy and feel good, but that can hurt me! Also, I'm bad at looking for the beautiful things in life. I am getting better though! And I guess that's what's important. That's what you need to balance most is trying as hard as you possibly can and looking at yourself and giving yourself credit for how far you've come and everything you have accomplished. And that's the balance I'm working on most.

Poetry

I don't know if any of you know this, but I am a published poet. One of my pieces was published in my high school's literary magazine. Maybe one day I'll post it. But today I've been thinking about this poem that I'll share with you. It's been a rough day. I found out that Rae is moving to Texas. By August 1st. I'm very upset. But there is a positive!! She will live only about a 20 minute drive from Fort Worth which is where the majority of the Jonas family lives. (Maybe Reed will go to school with Frankie Jonas!!!! Okay...that's highly unlikely, but I can dream right?! The answer is YES I CAN!! And I WILL as big as I please.) But I don't want her to leave me. I love Rachel. She's the older sister I've never had, and one of my best friends. And all day I kept thinking the opening lines of this poem for her, but couldn't remember the rest. Miraculously it was in the first folder of things I've written that I looked at. (There are several. And hardly any of the work is worth showing anyone, honestly.)

Without further ado, my poem entitled Fear Him?

They say to fear Him,

to fear our Lord.

We're told He'd smite us

for all our sins.

But I cannot fear Him

He paid for my sins.

He helps me through days

I just can't face alone.

I feel the power of His love

from the glowing sunshine up above,

the beautiful flowers down below,

the warm soft grass between my toes.

How can I fear Him?

He's saved me from death,

every day he gives me breath.

How can I fear Him?

He suffered for me in a grove of tress

and died for me at Calgary.

How can I fear Him?

He felt my pain while here on earth

so I could have a second birth.

How can I fear Him?
I feel the power of His love

from the glowing sunshine above

the beautiful flowers down below

and the warm, soft grass between my toes.

How can I fear Him like they say?

I only love Him stronger every day.

(I wrote this one day during church as someone was giving a talk, that I don't remember what it was about. And I remember my mom showing it to a lady in my ward--who was later my English 1010 teacher--who complimented me and it's stuck with me. I don't know why I've been thinking this today, but I have. And I felt like sharing. I hope you enjoyed, or at least it made you think. P.S. I don't know how copyrights work, but please respect that this is my work, my words. It takes a great deal for me to share my words as poetry is my soul on paper. Thank you.)

Rae I love you. I know Heavenly Father and Christ love you. They're watching over you and your family. Everything will go well in Texas. Somehow, we'll both be okay. :)

Job Hunting

So, now that I am back in St. George, and am no longer the incubus of viral plague that I was for the past week I've started job hunting. And it's hard. And I don't like it. But I'm trying to be positive and brave and know that I will find something, and it will be good for me (even if good for me isn't pleasant). At least I graduated high school. At least I worked for Disneyland. Oh Disneyland, how I've missed you.

I decided it was brave to come back to St. George, sort of. If I would have stayed in Anaheim I would've had a job for sure, and I could've kept running from some issues and ignored them, I could've avoided the shame of telling everyone hear "No, I'm not going to college because I'm a loser and can't afford it. But I'm gonna pretend I'm not going to college because I don't know what I want to do so it's smarter to just make money right now." But I'm facing it, and trying to be brave and trying to be a big girl. Thank you to all those who are standing by me and supporting me and encouraging me. Heaven knows I need it.

Reminiscing

How can one person get so attached to a patch of concrete with mechanics, actors, and wood covered in paint? I'll tell you how: they were a part of magic there. I made magic. I helped make memories for who knows how many people! That is so amazing! I brought smiles to little girls and boys faces by telling them happy birthday or showing them the toy they wanted. I brought tears to one old man's eyes for giving him a button that said that he was an Honorary Citizen of Disneyland, because he'd created magic for some other guests. I was reminded of friends and family in the personality of others. I cried when I saw Mickey as I was walking in. I sobbed when I looked down Main Street USA to Sleeping Beauty's Castle one more time tonight, as A Christmas Fantasy Holiday Parade floated down the street. Disneyland became my home. My coworkers became my friends. Mickey and Minnie and Donald and Daisy and Goofy and Pluto and Belle and Ariel and Cinderella and Rapunzel and Peter Pan and every other character became my closest friends. And Abby and Eric and kids became my family. And my best friend that I went through all this with became more my sister, and carried me through all this (I wouldn't have made it without her). And my family (yes, Rae, you included in that) stayed my rock. Looking back on these most amazing, difficult, magical, beautiful, challenging, near impossible adventure, all I can do is cry. Tears of happiness that it's over, tears of sadness that I now must move on. Tears that I will no longer be going to the Happiest Place on Earth nearly every day. But soon, perhaps, I will be back here, making dreams come true--mine and others--and Letting the Memories Begin.

C

Oh Today

Oh today. It was one of those days after about three (or fourteen I seem to have lost count...) of those days. The bright spot though amidst all of the darkness is Rae. She came for Thanksgiving and seeing her the three times I got to truly helped me get through this week. Which is still not quite over. I work again tomorrow. Hopefully it won't be one of those days.

I'm just a little bit sick of the mindset of some people that those who work as a waitress, sales clerk, anything in the "service industry" aren't people and don't need respect. If you don't already please, please, PLEASE be kind to the poor people you come in contact with who work at restaurants, stores, anything like that. I guarantee you'll brighten their day, or at the very least make it more livable.

Anyway...Rae and Abby made me laugh, and really laugh. So hard I snorted. Many times. They gave me medicine when I was sick. Toilet Paper when I'd run out. Turkey, potatoes, and stuffing when I'd missed the best holiday of the entire year: Thanksgiving. And helped me forget all the rude people I'd come in contact with. And then their children surrounded me with the simple love that children possess and reminded me what it feels like to be adored and cherished. If only just because I'm "big" and am more than willing to pay attention to them. They cleared the clouds from my tired, tear-filled eyes and helped see again--if only for a little while--the sun shining on me. So thank you Abby and Rae, and Savvy and Esther and Jaxon and Becca and Reed and Heidi and Autumn and Phil and Eric too.

So with heavy eyelids and a tear-washed face and a heart hopeful that this midnight will break in a brilliant dawn with orange and pink clouds quickly chased away by the sun, I lay me down to sleep.

C