A Year in Review

With the year ending and all our family Christmas letters going out I've been thinking back on my year and it's shocking how much has truly changed. My life has turned completely up-side-down since last Christmas, but I've survived. So, I'm going to copy Rae and give you a little year play-by-play:

January:

Come home from Disneyland.

Get a major cold.

Find job at Krave.

February:

Wish I had a Valentine.

Keep working at Krave.

Mom's birthday.

Breathe sigh of relief Rae wasn't moving.

March:

Turned 20.

(Freaking out that I've lived through 2 decades now)

Still working.

April:

Still working.

Called to Nursery (I think it was then...).

May:

Kyle met some girl named Briana.

He fell head-over-heels for her.

Rae's moving to Texas.

It's okay because the Jonas Brothers live there too...

June:

Start going to counseling.

Still in Nursery and working.

Trying to keep myself together.

Spend as much time with DeVaults as possible.

July:

Kyle engaged.

Still spending as much time with DeVaults as possible.

Still working and in Nursery.

August:

Kyle and Briana married.

My first photo shoot ever.

Still working and in Nursery.

Missing DeVaults.

Emily's birthday.

September:

Still working and in Nursery.

Desperately missing DeVaults.

October:

Still in Nursery.

Quit Krave.

Life stuck in neutral.

Missing the DeVaults more than I thought possible.

Kyle's birthday.

Cut ties with someone who meant the world to me.

Got on a plane to Dallas, TX.

Hugged Phill.

Hugged Rae.

Hugged Reed.

Got made breakfast in bed by Reed.

Hugged Jax.

Hugged Savvy.

November:

Did Rae's laundry.

Laughed.

Cried.

Read.

Played Lego's.

Cooked and ate.

Laughed more.

Loved.

Dishes.

DeVaults.

Hugged and hugged and hugged.

Sobbed.

Got on a plane.

Sobbed the whole way home.

Parents' 25th wedding anniversary.

Thanksgiving.

Dad's Birthday.

December:

Still in Nursery.

Job as nanny for Thornton's.

Missing DeVaults.

Decision making.

Slowing moving life forward.

So, that was a little less than positive. But I'm moving forward after an incredibly difficult year. And I'm proud of that. I did everything I could and just kept moving forward. And will continue to do so through the end of this year and into the next.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all!! :D

Respite, Rae, and Rambling

I'm thoroughly enjoying Texas. Loving every minute of being so loved and needed by the DeVaults. Savvy needs the girly attention of flipping through magazines and playing dollies. Reed needs the attention logical answers and occasional pretending. Jaxon needs the giggling, tickling and general being silly. And I love it. I haven't been this needed in so long. And it is so refreshing. As my fingers click and clatter across the keys, Rae is singing quietly with each child as she puts them to bed, and admittedly I'm crying. I want so badly to be so loved and needed by my own children. I want so badly a man to love me as her Phill loves her. I want so badly to be more like Rachel. In so many ways. I wish I had more curves, like Rae's perfect shape. I wish I had more of her empathy and depth of emotion in general. I wish I had her energy, her creativity in and out of the home, her ability to make it work (even if "it" is a house that they don't quite fit in, or a scheduling inconvenience).
I don't want to leave. I want to stay sleeping on her couch, petting the kitties--Jude and Olive--, playing with kids, laughing with Phill and Rae, and helping with the endless laundry and dishes of a young family. I want to stay here, healing, until I am whole. I wish I could. And yet the real world calls. Bills, family, school are all screaming my name. I desperately just want to ignore them and stay, stay, stay. Maybe I can. I don't know. But for now I will savor the moments that seem so much like a fairy-tale or a movie. Moments that don't seem to belong in my life. Moments I love. Moments I need. Moments that will sustain me through the future, as the imagination of them sustained me through the past months.
The hardest times of my life have been this past year, and just when I think they're over, they're only beginning. And I've just tried. Tried to keep going, tried to make the best decisions, tried to go in the right direction, tried to keep seeing the good and the beautiful, tried to be brave. Tried. And that's all I could've done, all I can do. That's all any of us can do. Is just try. If that's what we are doing, we can't be ashamed of ourselves. Because we tried. And I have. And I'm okay with it...almost. I'll keep trying and trying and probably crying. Hopefully times will get better. Hopefully.

Texas

That's right. I'm going to Texas. To see Rae. Tomorrow. Finally, tomorrow. I feel like I've been waiting forever since I booked my flight. But tomorrow I will be in the air, before landing in Dallas and being picked up by Phill or Rae, and welcomed into their home for 2 weeks. I'm so excited! So excited to be with them and their kids. So excited to renew and refresh and relax and help and serve and be helped and served. I can hardly wait. And I hardly have to. And I can't tell you how happy that makes me. Hopefully this is a turning point for the better, I'm so sick of struggling. I'm hoping and praying that this at least turns something around that will go better.

Health

So I've been working on my mental health this past year especially, recently including counseling (have I mentioned that? I never remember...). And in counseling have uncovered that I struggle with acute anxiety. Nothing I need to be medicated for or anything, I just always think of all the possible worst-case scenarios for the silliest things. So to help fight that and multiple other mental issues I'd rather not talk about on the internet especially my counselor has encouraged me to start working out. So I have. Kicking and screaming internally at it.

I have issues with working out. Mostly because last time I weighed myself I was a mere 108 lbs and I'm terrified of getting any thinner. I don't want to blow away in any breeze drifting by. Gusts knock me over as is. But I've started trying anyway. Yesterday I did some Wii (Just Dance 2, and Wii Fit...that counts right??) and today I jogged. Yes, me I jogged. Well...I sorta jogged. I jogged and walked, and jogged and walked and walked a little more. I am SO out of shape. It is absolutely ridiculous. But the goal is to get better. And secretly (Rae you will scream when you read this, so prepare your children) my goal is to do a Disney Half Marathon. Emphasis on HALF!! That's only 12 miles. I want to do a WaltDisney World Half Marathon. So then I'd get to go to WaltDisney World....Yup, that's most of the reason!

Well, I'll keep ya'll updated on my brave adventures of trying to work out. Well, now I'm off to get a HUGE bowl of Rocky Road because I need to keep my weight steady at least.

-Also, as a note Dreyers is the best Rocky Road. With Western Family as a close second. Western Family just has a TON of marshmallows. Really, it's half ice cream, half marshmallows. :)

Delicate Strength

In staying strong I've obviously been thinking about a definition of strength, but I'm not at all ready to write up a full definition of strength yet. Words are still somewhat eluding me. Today I spent the day with Rae: cleaning, talking, distracting children, and soaking in her radiant warmth. (What I will ever do without her a mile away, I have NO IDEA!!!) But I saw her today (and yesterday) show the most incredible delicate strength. Joking with movers, Rae remained (somewhat freakishly) patient with her over-tired, over-stressed, over-bored babies. Yes, while walking through her house Rae cried and cried. When I swept and mopped her bathroom I collapsed into sobs over the floor. Eventually pulling myself together to finish. And when I left--followed by them, though their journey was much longer--Rae and I sobbed in each other's arms. That's the delicate side: allowing yourself to feel your emotions, letting yourself be weak.

But the great irony of that is, is that is the strength therein! It takes strength and courage to feel. To feel is to allow yourself to be vulnerable, which is frightening. As Rae vacuumed up cobwebs I thought of spiderwebs. Spider webs are incredibly light and delicate and seemingly weak, but a spider web is one of nature's strongest substances. ((And I would post a picture of it, but I like spider's about as much as Ron Weasley!)) I trust that you all know what a spiderweb is like and can picture in your mind the intricacy of the home of the arachnid. With long spokes connected by swirling connections. The long spokes are the strength, connected by delicate and gentle strands of complex, twisting emotions. Many people are afraid of spiders and their webs, and more surprisingly the webs inside themselves. I'm the first to admit I'm not fond of my often swirling and inexplicable emotions. But I'm working on accepting them and moving forward. It's hard to balance delicacy and strength, much like balancing bravery and beauty. But I'm trying and I hope you are too. <3

~Sorry this didn't come together as planned, or beautiful or inspiring or brave at all, but I had to put it out there. Maybe at least Rae will like it. :)

Small Thoughts Before My Project

My "Becoming Strong" project is in the works I'm self-editing and re-wording and being busy with life at the moment, but that will come soon. I do have some small, hardly-composed thoughts that I would like to share though.

Recently Rae posted a call to arms (or legs, as it were) on her blog, and I have a bit of a response. Please read her words if you haven't already, they are beautiful and it would be a dishonor to her to attempt to summarize them in my own. Though Rae is awesome and has the physical capabilities to run a marathon, I do not. I would pass out. Literally. --I could've just convinced myself that that's true, but I'm pretty sure it is-- But for some of us the road of life is a marathon of trials and rough patches and road blocks and tumbleweeds and pot holes and deer jumping in front of us, and continuing on the road is a marathon of "I can do it"'s (after a triathlon of secret "I can't, I just can't anymore"'s) For those of us who feel that way, it's very important to give yourself a pat on the back (Yes, even if you're being watched by someone) for all your hard work and excellent driving past all those obstacles! Seriously, give yourself some credit for all of your hard work. Even if you're the only person giving you credit, you deserve it. Let yourself feel that "I've just done the impossible and I feel FANTASTIC!!" feeling. I know that sometimes dragging yourself out of bed takes Herculean effort, and you rarely get credit for that Greek-hero effort. Give yourself a treat, a smile, a pat on the back, a hug, an award!!! Find the people who you can tell your slip-ups to, but also your successes! I'm sorry to all of those who I tend to only tell my follies to. I promise I have successes!!! But mostly give yourself credit. It's so hard sometimes, but I promise it makes you feel better. It makes you feel stronger and braver and more beautiful and whole. If your day is an Ironman (triathlon of 2.4 miles of swimming, a marathon, and 112 miles of biking!!!!) give yourself some much-needed satisfaction that you are doing what you've set out to do! I'm here, ready with a hug, pat on the back, treat, or award if you need it from an outside source. Sometimes you do need someone else to tell you, what you're telling yourself daily. Feel free to call me, facebook me, text me, email me, comment here, anything but Morse Code because I don't understand Morse Code. I'll give you a pep talk! I like to think I'm kinda good at them. And I'm happy to be a Rescuer for anyone else who needs it.

On another note: I'm happy to announce I've decided to do something pretty darn brave and go to an audition for an opportunity at Disneyland Hong Kong! It would only be 6 months if I do make the cut, and if I don't that's totally fine with me, I'll just keep on going here, try again, go to school, I don't know, figure something out. I woke up this morning and saw the audition and knew I had to go. So here goes nothing!

Poetry

I don't know if any of you know this, but I am a published poet. One of my pieces was published in my high school's literary magazine. Maybe one day I'll post it. But today I've been thinking about this poem that I'll share with you. It's been a rough day. I found out that Rae is moving to Texas. By August 1st. I'm very upset. But there is a positive!! She will live only about a 20 minute drive from Fort Worth which is where the majority of the Jonas family lives. (Maybe Reed will go to school with Frankie Jonas!!!! Okay...that's highly unlikely, but I can dream right?! The answer is YES I CAN!! And I WILL as big as I please.) But I don't want her to leave me. I love Rachel. She's the older sister I've never had, and one of my best friends. And all day I kept thinking the opening lines of this poem for her, but couldn't remember the rest. Miraculously it was in the first folder of things I've written that I looked at. (There are several. And hardly any of the work is worth showing anyone, honestly.)

Without further ado, my poem entitled Fear Him?

They say to fear Him,

to fear our Lord.

We're told He'd smite us

for all our sins.

But I cannot fear Him

He paid for my sins.

He helps me through days

I just can't face alone.

I feel the power of His love

from the glowing sunshine up above,

the beautiful flowers down below,

the warm soft grass between my toes.

How can I fear Him?

He's saved me from death,

every day he gives me breath.

How can I fear Him?

He suffered for me in a grove of tress

and died for me at Calgary.

How can I fear Him?

He felt my pain while here on earth

so I could have a second birth.

How can I fear Him?
I feel the power of His love

from the glowing sunshine above

the beautiful flowers down below

and the warm, soft grass between my toes.

How can I fear Him like they say?

I only love Him stronger every day.

(I wrote this one day during church as someone was giving a talk, that I don't remember what it was about. And I remember my mom showing it to a lady in my ward--who was later my English 1010 teacher--who complimented me and it's stuck with me. I don't know why I've been thinking this today, but I have. And I felt like sharing. I hope you enjoyed, or at least it made you think. P.S. I don't know how copyrights work, but please respect that this is my work, my words. It takes a great deal for me to share my words as poetry is my soul on paper. Thank you.)

Rae I love you. I know Heavenly Father and Christ love you. They're watching over you and your family. Everything will go well in Texas. Somehow, we'll both be okay. :)