A Place in This World

There's a Taylor Swift song called "A Place in This World" she talks about how she's just trying to figure things out and is trying to find her place in this world. If you know your place in this world, you are so lucky. I don't. I actually don't have a single clue. Not one. All I know are the facts. That I belong to a family. A mom, a dad, a brother, sister-in-law, sister. A friend to exactly six people. Frequaintance to countless others. ((Frequaintance: friend+acquaintance. And acquaintance who you like and are casual friends with.) ) Throughout my life I have rarely felt like I had a place in this world.

When I was tiny I knew just where I belonged: helping Mommy, hiding Barbies from my brother, playing with my sister, and cuddling with Daddy.

Then came elementary school and being so ahead of my classmates academically I got lost. I was kept in for recess to help other students with homework, and felt left-out when I got recess again.

I had a place when my kitty came and would sleep on my toes. Always with me, playing with me, comforting me, just mine. Then he was gone due to my mother's allergies, and then died when he ran away from his new owners.

I had a place for a little while with friends after that. Then we moved. To a new school where the girls hated me and the friends I did have I hardly even liked, I just had them to say I had friends. The other girl's cruel rumors hung over me like a cloud through middle school and high school where I struggled to find new friends over and over again.

I had a place when I finally found someone to be my best friend. It was a struggle to find her, and more of a struggle to keep her. But I had one. And that's all that mattered to me.

I thought I had a place when the newness off puppy love and the freedom of a driver's license hurled me into an oblivion void of caution. That vacuum sucked me up and spit me out pretty quickly.

I had a place again when my best friend status was more solidified with the aforementioned friend. And I was so happy. Then came last year and the exquisite pain of growing apart and realizing I wasn't cared for enough to be fought for. A pain and a lost friend that still haunt me. Even after not seeing her for almost 6 months (but who's counting, right?!). The thing I miss most about having a best friend, is being able to be a best friend.

And now, I'm place-less. 5 of my 6 friends live in stupid ole Texas and I miss them all so much it hurts, but hopefully will be visiting in a few months. The one remaining of the 6 friends lives in California. I'm lucky to be able to visit her next month. My family is going through tremendous upheaval with my brother having been married just 8 months ago and my dad having prostate cancer (surgery is next week), and my mom's court case starting to pick up steam (long story, you don't wanna know), and my sister being in school full time. I feel so purposeless and place-less next to all of them. It's so frightening to me. Frightening to feel like I'll never have a place again, never have close (geographically, and emotionally) friends again, never know what to do as a career, and always be overshadowed by those around me.

But I do have hope. Hope that someday I won't feel this way. Hope that I will find my place career-wise, friend-wise, husband-wise (I HOPE!!!), family-wise. Hope that this feeling will pass.

Okay, I know this is sorta depressing, but I had to share because it's been filling my head and banging to get out. So there it is. Maybe somebody else can put a more positive spin on it. I don't know. Maybe it'll help someone. I hope. <3

A Little Encouragement

So I have ranted before about my frustration of people looking at me and assuming that I'm anorexic because of my very-slim body type. And this is and isn't another one. My main issue is that because I'm skinny people assume that I am severely mentally unhealthy, and think that it is alright to tell me so. While it is true that Anorexia and Bulimia are serious mental illnesses and if you're struggling with them, you should seek help from those you trust, however everyone who's skinny is not struggling with those mental illnesses. What baffles me is that while it is not okay for someone to state the fact that someone is carrying extra fat in their body, it is okay for someone to falsely accuse me of having unstable mental health.

I think that we all really need to be more accepting of each other's bodies and realize that the bodies we live in for our short duration on earth are not the important thing. Our hearts are the important thing. And how we treat each other is the important thing. We all have room for improvement with our physical health and with our service and our love toward others. I hope we can all be more forgiving of others and learn to love each other more fully. We all are going through our own struggles and pains and we all need forgiveness and love on our journey through this life. Can't we all focus on that instead of each other's faults?

Here's for hoping that something I've said touches someone and helps them do a little better.

Caring for Myself

So today I was feeling pretty crumby and missing so many people so achingly much I couldn't stand it, so I pulled on yoga pants, gym shoes, and an old Disney t-shirt plugged in my iPod and set off. Where I didn't know, how far I had no clue. All I knew is that I felt terrible and I wanted my legs to pound my emotion into the earth, to let her feel my pain and to receive endorphins back from my pounding into the pavement. With Adele, Taylor Swift, Demi Lovato, and the Jonas Brothers fueling my half-sobbing terribly emotion walk/run--note that walk came before run, lots more walking happened than running--I made it through 2 miles, 2 miles thinking of days gone by. Those days included my sophomore year of high school when I was in high school and could mostly jog 3 miles in half an hour. And as my feet pattered a pattern the pavement I let all my walls down and just felt. It was refreshing and frustrating. Frustrating for the weakness of my frame. Frustrating for the inability to go faster. Frustrating for the inability to run longer. Frustrating for the people driving the streets and on the side of the road. Frustrating for the lack of loneliness my heart felt. Refreshing for the pumping of my legs. Refreshing for the beating of my heart. Refreshing for the giving over of myself to the strumming of guitars, pounding of drums and tinkle of the ivory. Refreshing for the reminder that negative emotions are not weakness, it is human strength and proof of love. Refreshing for the caring of myself.

Furthermore I chose to share the songs closest to my heart with all of you. So here you go!

Fix A Heart--Demi Lovato, Unbroken. This song just hits a tender part of my heart at the moment. It hits so close to home and I love it. The lyrics and the plain piano chords just seem to be just for me. Because sometimes someone takes a piece of your heart and you just can't fix it once they broke it, you just have to move past it.

Somewhere Only We Know--Glee Version, The Warblers. Yes, you notice the similar theme to the previous song? Oh how strange...not really! This song never ceases to reduce me to tears. Any version--just especially this one. It makes me wonder about the story of the poor soul who wrote it. I hope they got a good goodbye that they can look back on with a smile now. (And not just a smile from the money they've made since the song is popular.)

I Wish You Love--Nat King Cole, Live at the Sands. Okay, this one makes me sob too. But with his perfect syrupy-smooth voice how could you not? Well....how could I not?? When this one is so similar to the others I don't see how I could say much more except for vent my frustrations that artists neither sing like this nor sing subjects like this any more. And I'm sure you don't really want to hear that rant, because it lasts for days.

Enchanted--Taylor Swift, Speak Now. I REALLY want to be enchanted to meet someone. To come home giggling and blushing and dancing and scream-singing this song. I daydream of meeting said Prince Charming somehow irresistibly charming--as well as me looking completely gorgeous!--like we reach for the same tub of ice cream at the grocery store, or I'm at Disneyland adoring Sleeping Beauty's Castle and I trip over him eating his corn dog from the corn dog cart and he catches me and I treat him to a new corn dog as his is inevitably ruined by my tripping and we enjoy corn dogs together and keep running into each other in the park. Yes, my imagination is reaching for the stars. But it may as well, that's its job!

Someone Like You--Adele, 21. WATCH THIS VIDEO! I'm not lying. Do it now! I loved this song before and now I'm shaking, totally breathless at the magic of this version. It was shattering. The camera work I found really natural and organic and I loved that they were at her house and she was singing for herself. And at the end of the song she's biting her thumb and thinking and a small tear is in her eye and I sobbed. Big, breathless, babyish sobs. It is unbelievable how brilliant that is. Also this song I am constantly playing on my piano and belting or listening to. It's so bittersweet and beautiful and I love it.

Well, for now that's all. I hope you enjoyed my little half-rant half-inspiration. I hope it fueled you in your New Years Resolution to take care of yourself better and stronger too!

A Year in Review

With the year ending and all our family Christmas letters going out I've been thinking back on my year and it's shocking how much has truly changed. My life has turned completely up-side-down since last Christmas, but I've survived. So, I'm going to copy Rae and give you a little year play-by-play:

January:

Come home from Disneyland.

Get a major cold.

Find job at Krave.

February:

Wish I had a Valentine.

Keep working at Krave.

Mom's birthday.

Breathe sigh of relief Rae wasn't moving.

March:

Turned 20.

(Freaking out that I've lived through 2 decades now)

Still working.

April:

Still working.

Called to Nursery (I think it was then...).

May:

Kyle met some girl named Briana.

He fell head-over-heels for her.

Rae's moving to Texas.

It's okay because the Jonas Brothers live there too...

June:

Start going to counseling.

Still in Nursery and working.

Trying to keep myself together.

Spend as much time with DeVaults as possible.

July:

Kyle engaged.

Still spending as much time with DeVaults as possible.

Still working and in Nursery.

August:

Kyle and Briana married.

My first photo shoot ever.

Still working and in Nursery.

Missing DeVaults.

Emily's birthday.

September:

Still working and in Nursery.

Desperately missing DeVaults.

October:

Still in Nursery.

Quit Krave.

Life stuck in neutral.

Missing the DeVaults more than I thought possible.

Kyle's birthday.

Cut ties with someone who meant the world to me.

Got on a plane to Dallas, TX.

Hugged Phill.

Hugged Rae.

Hugged Reed.

Got made breakfast in bed by Reed.

Hugged Jax.

Hugged Savvy.

November:

Did Rae's laundry.

Laughed.

Cried.

Read.

Played Lego's.

Cooked and ate.

Laughed more.

Loved.

Dishes.

DeVaults.

Hugged and hugged and hugged.

Sobbed.

Got on a plane.

Sobbed the whole way home.

Parents' 25th wedding anniversary.

Thanksgiving.

Dad's Birthday.

December:

Still in Nursery.

Job as nanny for Thornton's.

Missing DeVaults.

Decision making.

Slowing moving life forward.

So, that was a little less than positive. But I'm moving forward after an incredibly difficult year. And I'm proud of that. I did everything I could and just kept moving forward. And will continue to do so through the end of this year and into the next.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all!! :D

Thanksgiving

Okay, I know this is shamefully overdue, as Thanksgiving was weeks ago and Christmas is now upon us. But I must say how incredibly grateful I am for the holiday of Thanksgiving. I love the chance to eat all you want on fancy dishes and with family. I love the focus of the world on being grateful for the things that mean something to them. Thanksgiving gave me the chance to see with clear and grateful eyes, which is rare lately. I've been struggling still, and struggling more in some senses and Thanksgiving gave me the opportunity to break free of that for a little while and be grateful. It was such a relief. And I was so grateful for the holiday itself.

Yes, the Christmas season is also great, but there is more focus on the commercialization and what you're going to get than what you're going to give and what you're going to help with. (Also, less focus on a great big meal!) There are so many things I'm grateful for. And if you're reading this, you're one of them. Anyone who takes the time to read my words makes me very grateful, even if you don't comment, I like to imagine at least 10 people read each of my posts.

I'm so grateful for my family this year especially. I've gained a sister since last year, and I'm glad for her too. :) I could list all the things I'm grateful for, but that would take forever and I'm already in tears, and that would break me into sobs. Just know, I'm grateful for so much. And especially Thanksgiving this year.

Sorry for the rambling still. But at least it's a post right?