Feeling Good

So I am having a pretty great day today, and really for no particular reason whatsoever. Actually it's been a miracle that today I have felt so great about my day.

I had to work today, for the 5th Saturday in a row. And, hey, even though my social life is fully DOA, I still like a Saturday off every once in a while so then I actually have a chance to recharge before the new work week. (Not that I hate work, we just all need breaks, you know?)
I've felt SO judged and SO belittled and SO disrespected and SO unheard this past week especially. Far more than usual. (Just ask Rae, I've told her about 10 billion times this week.)
Today was also someone's birthday who I no longer speak to and miss daily and today marks 2 years since I've seen this person. And I anticipated today to be one of those difficult days where I wish I could go back in time and change my decision to sever those ties.

And even though these 3 major things (and others I'm not ready to parade around the internet) were counting against me I still had a fantastic-feeling day! Can you believe it?! And I feel so empowered by the fact that I feel so much more fantastic than expected, that I feel more fantastic, and it's all one big splendid spiral of better-than-expected-happiness.

Today I was grateful to have a job, and grateful for how much my job has taught me about my personal finances. And really seeing how far I've come--especially in the past 3 years--in budgeting, sticking to a budget, and even saving.
I felt pretty, confident, and more able to show my true colors today. And even though I'm usually very confident in the blessing of my attractive facade, my confidence of my insides and letting people see me has always been a struggle.
Even though I was missing the aforementioned person, I realized how much better off I really am without that person, and how much I have grown without them. And even though I still miss them and I do still think of them and care about them, today I feel solid in my choice to not be their friend any longer. Today I feel peaceful and whole without them. I'm glad for them that they have their own life without me, and I'm glad for me and my independence.

Hooray for a wonderful day! I hope you had one too.


And if you're reading this you-know-who-you-are happy birthday. (But that does not mean my decision's changed.)

Braveness

"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and others have greatness thrust upon 'em." So says Shakespeare in Twelfth Night, and I've been thinking about that quote a lot lately and I believe the same can be said for being brave. So I would also say "Some are born brave, some achieve braveness, and others have braveness thrust upon 'em." ((Is braveness a word?? Probably not! But I'm saying it is!)) Some people don't struggle with being brave, they just are. They don't have to force themselves to be better at speaking their mind, or parachuting, or fighting for our country, or telling someone how they feel, or trusting. Others of us have to learn bravery by trying those things just one at a time or by living our every day lives. And other times bravery is forced upon us. A loved one dies, or leaves us, or turns on us, or an emergency happens and we must be brave. Those, I think, are the hardest moments. When you're already knocked down from life and then something happens and you're left to ourselves to pick up your own pieces and just keep going. Regardless, though, of how our bravery comes, we all must be brave. Although it sounds far more delightful to lay in bed, or in front of the TV, we all must live our lives, which requires an immense amount of bravery. But we can do it!

Coins

Words have not only once again granted me with the pleasure of their company, they may well be overstaying their welcome. Okay, not really. I'm loving the flood of eloquence.

Today the topic I've been mulling over in my mind especially is coins. We're all familiar with coins. Quarters, dimes, nickles, pennies, or whatever else wherever else. But did you realize that there are coins inside us? And no, not just ones that you swallowed when you were a kid! Every trait you have has a flip-side. There's the up-side and the down-side. For example: If you have a big heart, it's likely that big heart has just as much capacity to hurt as to love. That's a big coin of mine. I'm full of love and compassion and I'm fiercely loyal, but I'm injured and insulted easily. I take everything personally because I mean (most) everything personally. The trick is to focus on the up-side of what you've got! Believe me it's hard. That down-side has the power of gravity on it's side. It pulls and drags and holds and tugs and yanks and tows and heaves and thrusts you down. But we are still able to stand on earth, despite gravity right? There's gigantic skyscrapers even with the weight of the world pulling them down aren't there? We grow taller and stronger even with it pulling us down, and I dare say, because it's pulling us down. Having down-sides doesn't make you horrible, it makes you human. You need both sides of the coin to pay for an ice cream cone, don't you?

Well, I hope that makes you feel a little better about your virtues and vices, I know it makes me feel better about mine.

Best luck and all my love to you on your journeys.

"I want you to listen to me very carefully, Harry. You're not a bad person. You're a very good person, who bad things have happened to. Besides, the world isn't split into good people and Death Eaters. We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are." ~Sirius Black, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

"You can take everything I have, you can break everything I am, like I'm made of glass, like I'm made of paper. Go on and try to tear me down, I will be rising from the ground like a skyscraper!" ~Demi Lovato, Skyscraper

Becoming Strong

I've been following Demi Lovato's recovery story and her motto is "Stay Strong". She had it tattooed on her wrists over the scars from cutting. Now, I am NOT saying I'm a cutter--I'm not a cutter I promise! But I do appreciate her motto and her sharing her story with others. And I'm using her as inspiration and a precautionary tale. You should always, always, ALWAYS ask for help before getting to a point anywhere near cutting or an eating disorder. (Disclaimer: she does have a mental condition, not that that's an excuse, it does make the situation slightly more understandable though.)

So in order to help myself Stay Strong I won't be tattooing the message on my wrists, but I will be taking the message to heart. For me though, I think it's more of a Becoming Strong. (Yes, Rae, Mom, Kavyn, and whoever else chooses to comment on this, feel free to tell me how strong I already am, I will save it in my documents of things to read frequently that make me feel strong.) I will be doing different segments about my Becoming Strong. The segments are undecided as of yet, but they are to come.

Next will be my Becoming Strong playlist. (Songs that make me feel strong and empowered.)

Bravery

So, I once defined beauty, and I decided to take a crack at defining bravery. When most people think of bravery as a knight in shining armor riding his white horse into battle (or nowadays, I soldier in camo driving a tank into battle), and while yes that takes incredible amounts of bravery I think that there are many different forms of being brave. So here are a few examples of my definition of bravery.

Admitting you need help is very brave. Admitting you have a problem is brave. Even braver is seeking the help and trying your hardest to help yourself. There are so many people who cowardly hide their pain and issues inside, when really they should just let someone know and let themselves free of being trapped inside themselves with their issues.

Being yourself is powerfully brave. Not allowing others to sway you in their judgments of you and their opinions of who you are is brave. Those who truly love you appreciate you for who you are and for who you aren't and encourage you gently toward who you are to become, they don't judge you or hate on you for being who you are now and moving toward who you are becoming.

Feeling good about yourself is brave. In American culture if you don't hate yourself or at least some part of yourself there is supposedly something wrong with you, you're self-centered and prideful and conceited and a bad person. When that isn't true. It's brave to feel good about yourself and accept the things you hate about yourself and to love yourself or at least pieces of yourself.

Living take courage. Taking breaths, waking up every morning, getting out of bed, getting dressed, going to work, taking care of yourself and loved ones, it all takes bravery and courage. Sometimes more than others. How much easier would it be to just let yourself slip away into the Lord's comfort? So much, but living and doing your best at it takes true courage.

Doing your best is brave. It's simple and spineless to stop trying to give up and sit by the side of your life's path. It's brave to stand up and keep walking when you no longer have strength. It's brave to drag yourself along when your legs give out. It's brave to lift up your hand to the person whose path will correspond with yours just when you need them. (Just as God intended it.) It's brave to look down the road and know that someday you will get to that point because you will "keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things," as Walt Disney put it.

Helping others is brave. Giving someone your hand, your shoulder to cry on, your arms to hold them, your eyes to cry with them, your heart to ache with them is courageous. Telling them your experiences to help them is brave.

Trying new things is brave. You don't know what that exotic piece of fruit or mysterious piece of meat is going to taste like, so putting it in your mouth is brave. But trying a new job or school or town or neighborhood or idea or blog or challenge is brave. You don't know how it will affect you and your life, and facing that unknown is brave. Very brave.

Trust is brave. Not stuff like trust-falls, and other stuff you see coworkers doing on TV shows and commercials. True trust is hard and sometimes painful and so brave. Leaning on someone else and telling them your secrets and hopes and fears and dreams is brave and sometimes so hard.

Love is heroic. Giving someone part of your heart and hoping, praying, and trusting they won't shatter it or leave it out in the rain to catch cold or simply hand it back is incredibly brave. It's brave to keep loving someone after you've hurt them, or after they've hurt you. Even though you've given those people a piece of you, you can still feel that piece they're holding on to. It's easy and cowardly to just walk away and take your heart back from someone you love, it's brave to put yourself on the line again and keep loving them and give them another chance. (Disclaimer: Sometimes giving someone another chance is just stupid, not brave. You have to be the judge of that for yourself, here's for hoping you aren't stupid! Hehe!)

This is a suit of armor in Disneyland, he's pretty brave to just stand there. Hehe!

It just sounded like fun to put in a picture of him :)

That's my Mom! She's struggled through most of her life and you would never know it. Her strength and bravery is quiet and peaceful. Her courage is lost to words. Her experiences are inexplicable. Her strength is unfathomable. She's a beautiful, brave, wonderful woman.

This is Rae's Phill. He's been deployed twice, leaving his wife and children behind to go off to the horrors of war, not knowing whether or not he would come back to them. Not only that he's picked up his family and moved to a new place about every 3 years. Including in August, when they'll move to Texas.

This is Phill's Rae. She's gone through everything with him, always by his side, always supporting him. Not only that she's courageously raised 3 children, while go through personal struggles. Rae's gone through an inexplicable amount of challenges, that I've only begun to fathom, and bravely borne them and struggled through them, trying so hard to move forward past them. While trying to drag herself down her path of life, she's picked up others along the way, forgetting her own struggles and helping those she's found in their challenges. Rae has handled her challenges with equal helpings of bravery, beauty and sweetness. Which is truly admirable.

This is my Kavyn. You all know that I love her and she's my best friend. What you may not know is that she has placed her already rocky path of life right next to my broken and often hidden one, and not only does she leave her path to let me cry on her shoulders, and to comfort me as I try to be brave (often failing), but she picks me up and carries me as far as she can. Something else you don't know is that she feels lucky to do so and asks for nothing in return. Completely selflessly she listens to me whine and watches me try and trip and often fail, and just tells me that she loves me too and to keep going because I'm stronger and braver than I give myself credit for. She is so brave to love me. And so brave to keep going and living and fighting the fight she's been handed. She's not got it easy, but she handles it at her very best which is all anyone can ask. This girl's a special one, so watch out world, she's going to change you. Even if it's only one person at a time.

Poetry

I don't know if any of you know this, but I am a published poet. One of my pieces was published in my high school's literary magazine. Maybe one day I'll post it. But today I've been thinking about this poem that I'll share with you. It's been a rough day. I found out that Rae is moving to Texas. By August 1st. I'm very upset. But there is a positive!! She will live only about a 20 minute drive from Fort Worth which is where the majority of the Jonas family lives. (Maybe Reed will go to school with Frankie Jonas!!!! Okay...that's highly unlikely, but I can dream right?! The answer is YES I CAN!! And I WILL as big as I please.) But I don't want her to leave me. I love Rachel. She's the older sister I've never had, and one of my best friends. And all day I kept thinking the opening lines of this poem for her, but couldn't remember the rest. Miraculously it was in the first folder of things I've written that I looked at. (There are several. And hardly any of the work is worth showing anyone, honestly.)

Without further ado, my poem entitled Fear Him?

They say to fear Him,

to fear our Lord.

We're told He'd smite us

for all our sins.

But I cannot fear Him

He paid for my sins.

He helps me through days

I just can't face alone.

I feel the power of His love

from the glowing sunshine up above,

the beautiful flowers down below,

the warm soft grass between my toes.

How can I fear Him?

He's saved me from death,

every day he gives me breath.

How can I fear Him?

He suffered for me in a grove of tress

and died for me at Calgary.

How can I fear Him?

He felt my pain while here on earth

so I could have a second birth.

How can I fear Him?
I feel the power of His love

from the glowing sunshine above

the beautiful flowers down below

and the warm, soft grass between my toes.

How can I fear Him like they say?

I only love Him stronger every day.

(I wrote this one day during church as someone was giving a talk, that I don't remember what it was about. And I remember my mom showing it to a lady in my ward--who was later my English 1010 teacher--who complimented me and it's stuck with me. I don't know why I've been thinking this today, but I have. And I felt like sharing. I hope you enjoyed, or at least it made you think. P.S. I don't know how copyrights work, but please respect that this is my work, my words. It takes a great deal for me to share my words as poetry is my soul on paper. Thank you.)

Rae I love you. I know Heavenly Father and Christ love you. They're watching over you and your family. Everything will go well in Texas. Somehow, we'll both be okay. :)

Adventure

Well, my brother and sister are probably boarding their plane right now to go to Guatemala. They're doing service their with a dental group (I'm hoping my mom comments and puts the name of the group on here, because I always spell it wrong!). I hope they have a great adventure but, like every Disney movie, get home safely.

Speaking of Disney, I really miss Disneyland. I keep dreaming about it. And all this missing the Happiest Place on Earth (which I still think of as home), is not helped by the return of Dole Pineapple Whips to Krave--for those of you who don't know those are sold at the entrance to Adventureland. It's like my own taste of Adventureland. But with no Bazaar to go look into, or journey through Tarzan's Treehouse, no Indiana Jones to ride on, or Jungle Cruise to go through laughing too hard at the half-baked jokes, no Bengal Barbecue to walk past and tell my best friend (who is always there with me in my dreams, like she was those beautiful 6 months) "That's the Jonas Brothers favorite place to eat in Disneyland!" and no reply from her--laughing of course! "You've told me a thousand times! And I'm the one who told you that!". I miss working with everyone there at the Emporium, I miss class on Wednesdays sitting next to Micayla, I just miss that life I had. Though it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my whole life, that 6 months was the most beautiful and wonderful, happy time in my life. And I miss it terribly. Anyone have a time machine they can give me to go revisit that? :) No, it is a beautiful memory and shall stay golden and glowing with fairy dust as it does. And as is the new theme for Disney Parks "Let the Memories Begin."

I'm on my own Adventure currently. An Adventure to use Brave Words to set the truth straight and still see the Beauty in others. An Adventure to set the truth free and to make things right. And let me tell you, it's an Adventure. I've felt my balloons be popped halfway to Paradise Falls, and felt my jeep break down in the middle of my journey. But also, there have been good things come from this Adventure as Indy or Mr. Fredrickson and Carl or any other adventurer would experience too. Though relationships have been tested, already they've become stronger. Though I thought I would fall apart, already I have become stronger and--surprisingly--braver. There's still more to come though, the worst isn't over, but the best is yet to come.

Just remember, "Adventure is out there!"

New Job

So it's been a while since I've updated, sorry about that! Well, I've found a job since the last time I posted. It's at a fun frozen yogurt place. My favorite part is getting to eat the yogurt at work for free! :D So far it's working out really well. That's after 3 days working, and hopefully it keeps getting better.

It's been a rough week this week, trying to work through some issues with some people that I love. I tried using brave words, and they kind of backfired. I say kind of because now some of the issues that were brought up will be resolved and life will be a little easier. It was not easy to say some of the things that I did, and I'm a bit sorry about saying them the way I did. I'll figure out those Brave Words with practice. And hopefully that practice doesn't have to come painfully.

I don't even know what to say today. So have a great day! Stay positive!

P.S. I actually tried the chocolate frozen yogurt! It's awesome!