Braveness

"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and others have greatness thrust upon 'em." So says Shakespeare in Twelfth Night, and I've been thinking about that quote a lot lately and I believe the same can be said for being brave. So I would also say "Some are born brave, some achieve braveness, and others have braveness thrust upon 'em." ((Is braveness a word?? Probably not! But I'm saying it is!)) Some people don't struggle with being brave, they just are. They don't have to force themselves to be better at speaking their mind, or parachuting, or fighting for our country, or telling someone how they feel, or trusting. Others of us have to learn bravery by trying those things just one at a time or by living our every day lives. And other times bravery is forced upon us. A loved one dies, or leaves us, or turns on us, or an emergency happens and we must be brave. Those, I think, are the hardest moments. When you're already knocked down from life and then something happens and you're left to ourselves to pick up your own pieces and just keep going. Regardless, though, of how our bravery comes, we all must be brave. Although it sounds far more delightful to lay in bed, or in front of the TV, we all must live our lives, which requires an immense amount of bravery. But we can do it!

Words

"I always surprise myself on my ability to turn a phrase. Words are, in my not so humble opinion, the most inexhaustible source of magic; capable of both inflicting injury and remedying it." -Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2

Yes, I'm aware I've posted that quote before but I LOVE it!! It's so true. Words hold more weight than I do. (Okay, yes we've established holding more weight than I do isn't hard, but still!) Words have lasted since the beginning of time, tales of how the earth started, fairy tales, religion, anything and everything. Words repeated over and over can beat you down and crush you to the ground, while at the same time a simple switch of words said just as many times can help you soar and reach heights you never even imagined! Words can inspire and words can make you perspire.

The effects of physical abuse are obviously detrimental, and any kind of abuse is horrible. But the effects of verbal and emotional abuse echo and reverberate with the victim far longer. Bruises fade, scratches heal, broken bones grow back together, but the insults to self-esteem replay for the hearer every day. It takes only the immune system with the help of a doctor to repair the damage from physical abuse, but it takes years of counseling and a constant mental battle to repair the damage done from emotional and verbal abuse. I know very little from personal experience. But we've all been hurt by someone. Physically and emotionally. I healed from the broken wrist I got in a car accident. And my wrist is better than ever. But the rude words, the exclusion, the negativity forced upon me from years of adolescent foolishness of middle and high school still hit me and feed my insecurities.

The words in a textbook open up your knowledge and expand your potential. The words in a novel can take you to a new world away from reality. The words in a book can change your perspective and way of thinking about a person or people, or way of life, or events, or anything really.

A twisted tangle of words can threaten to trap you in a place of pain. Or a set of sweetly situated syllables can put you on cloud 9. Or a lack of words can leave you speechless, either way; happily, or unhappily.

Words hold some of the greatest power known to man. Wield them wisely.

"It is important to fight, and fight again, and keep fighting, for only then can evil be kept at bay, though never quite eradicated." -Dumbledore (His quotes are BRILLIANT! Also, in your own battles keep fighting. It's hard, it hurts, but it's worth it. Even if you make it just a little farther against the evils in your own life. Just keep swimming!!! You can make it!!)

Also...in my head this was brilliant. On screen, not so much. But hopefully you get the idea. My one consolation is that at least Rae will love it!

Health

So I've been working on my mental health this past year especially, recently including counseling (have I mentioned that? I never remember...). And in counseling have uncovered that I struggle with acute anxiety. Nothing I need to be medicated for or anything, I just always think of all the possible worst-case scenarios for the silliest things. So to help fight that and multiple other mental issues I'd rather not talk about on the internet especially my counselor has encouraged me to start working out. So I have. Kicking and screaming internally at it.

I have issues with working out. Mostly because last time I weighed myself I was a mere 108 lbs and I'm terrified of getting any thinner. I don't want to blow away in any breeze drifting by. Gusts knock me over as is. But I've started trying anyway. Yesterday I did some Wii (Just Dance 2, and Wii Fit...that counts right??) and today I jogged. Yes, me I jogged. Well...I sorta jogged. I jogged and walked, and jogged and walked and walked a little more. I am SO out of shape. It is absolutely ridiculous. But the goal is to get better. And secretly (Rae you will scream when you read this, so prepare your children) my goal is to do a Disney Half Marathon. Emphasis on HALF!! That's only 12 miles. I want to do a WaltDisney World Half Marathon. So then I'd get to go to WaltDisney World....Yup, that's most of the reason!

Well, I'll keep ya'll updated on my brave adventures of trying to work out. Well, now I'm off to get a HUGE bowl of Rocky Road because I need to keep my weight steady at least.

-Also, as a note Dreyers is the best Rocky Road. With Western Family as a close second. Western Family just has a TON of marshmallows. Really, it's half ice cream, half marshmallows. :)

Hard Times

I don't know about any of you, but I've been going through some hard times lately. My world turns on it's head every week. And I just can't keep up. It feels like I'm running on a treadmill and the faster I run the further backwards I go. Or I feel like I'm smacking my head against a brick wall, throwing all my weight against it, trying to get it to break. But it won't. And there appears to be no way around it and no way to get over it. These are the times I need to be brave. The times that I fail at most. The times that I let other people make my decisions and I just duck and cover till it's over. Not this time. This time I'm fighting. Crying when that stupid brick hall doesn't budge, or when I trip on the treadmill. But I'm keeping on going. I have my cry and peel myself off the pavement and try again. Or at least I try to try again. I somewhat apologize for this indulgent and not-so-great post. But I hope it helped someone.

They say that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

I don't think this will kill me. So it better make me stronger.

With My Own Two Hands!!

So today I decided to be brave and attempt sewing. And came out with a beautiful skirt!!! With some of my Mom's help (very little!) I took an elastic band (2" thick) and sewed it to 35"(ish) long fabric two layers thick and voila!!!!

Isn't it SO cute! I would've posted a picture of me in it, but it's late and I look gross, so just use your imagination! I love it! I may wear it to an audition on Thursday! I decided to share because A) I'm ridiculously proud of it. B) It really was a brave attempt as I'm not so great with a sewing machine, and it came out beautifully!

I decided I'm going to attempt a new sewing project every paycheck-ish. It costs about the same as buying the clothing item would, but then I get the satisfaction of learning, and saying I made it myself, and having no one else have it! Next up is a jersey-knit pencil skirt, and then a lace pencil skirt, both I've been dying to try! Then I don't know what else. Maybe I'll update you on my progress, maybe I'll forget. I don't know! Hehe!

Luck and love in your journeys,

C

One Day

No this post is not about the new Anne Hathaway movie One Day. (Though I do want to see that!) It's about the phrase, "One day...". We've all said it. "One day I'll go to Paris!" or "One day my prince will come." --See even a Disney Princess has said it.-- One day is a phrase full of hope and mystery and goals and fantasy. The mention of "One day...." can get you through a crappy night at a minimum wage job, thinking of the career you'll have (and LOVE) one day. The thought of "One day..." can get you through a challenging time in life, knowing that one day it will be better and you will be stronger. The idea of "One day..." has the potential to ease a broken heart toward healing. The foresight of thinking to that one day in the future that you can make better, that you can be better. One day can contain the hugest most wild, seemingly unreachable dreams and make them feel just one day away. One day contains beauty and fantasy, but it requires bravery and adventure to get there and make it the day you envision. Just going about and doing nothing will make one day just like the day you're living, that makes you dream of other things.

My One Day List:

-I will go to Paris. No doubt.

-I will have a career I love.

-I will figure out what I will do for a career exactly.

-I will work at a Disney park again (but in entertainment this time)

-I will have my own cute apartment or house.

-I will learn to sew.

-I will change someone else's life, for the better.

-I will make my family and friends proud to be close to me.

-I will come closer to who I want to be.

Lorna Anderson

Lorna is a woman I have always looked up to ever since she and her husband and their 6 boys moved into my neighborhood about 6 years ago. She is one of the most beautiful, brave women I've ever known. She is truly incredible. Always smiling, always happy, always tender, always ready with a smile, hug, and kind word. This past week one of Lorna's sweet boys passed from this world and into the next. Nolan was barely 18 and died in his sleep on the 22nd. He'd struggled with health for nearly his whole life, including paralysis of the right half his body. He found in his mother (and father) an example of strength, trust in the Lord, tenacity, courage, and seeking all that was beautiful in the world. And he followed right in her footsteps, pushing through every disability, every challenge and becoming stronger for it. Now he has passed on quietly and peacefully to the Savior's care where he will no longer be challenged by earthly cares or his temporal body.

Nolan's precious mother fully understands the Lord's Plan of Salvation, and just days after her son's passing sat in the most solemn Sacrament Meeting I've ever witnessed, and smiled and laughed, tearing up only a few times. The day after my Mom went to visit and offer our help and came back in awe that Lorna was smiling, cheerful, peaceful, and happy.

I can't imagine the pain that would come from one of your children going before you from this existence. I hope to be like Lorna when I grow up: trusting, brave, beautiful, seeking the positive, faithful, and countless other virtues.

My prayers and love are with their family, along with my appreciation and admiration.

Small Thoughts Before My Project

My "Becoming Strong" project is in the works I'm self-editing and re-wording and being busy with life at the moment, but that will come soon. I do have some small, hardly-composed thoughts that I would like to share though.

Recently Rae posted a call to arms (or legs, as it were) on her blog, and I have a bit of a response. Please read her words if you haven't already, they are beautiful and it would be a dishonor to her to attempt to summarize them in my own. Though Rae is awesome and has the physical capabilities to run a marathon, I do not. I would pass out. Literally. --I could've just convinced myself that that's true, but I'm pretty sure it is-- But for some of us the road of life is a marathon of trials and rough patches and road blocks and tumbleweeds and pot holes and deer jumping in front of us, and continuing on the road is a marathon of "I can do it"'s (after a triathlon of secret "I can't, I just can't anymore"'s) For those of us who feel that way, it's very important to give yourself a pat on the back (Yes, even if you're being watched by someone) for all your hard work and excellent driving past all those obstacles! Seriously, give yourself some credit for all of your hard work. Even if you're the only person giving you credit, you deserve it. Let yourself feel that "I've just done the impossible and I feel FANTASTIC!!" feeling. I know that sometimes dragging yourself out of bed takes Herculean effort, and you rarely get credit for that Greek-hero effort. Give yourself a treat, a smile, a pat on the back, a hug, an award!!! Find the people who you can tell your slip-ups to, but also your successes! I'm sorry to all of those who I tend to only tell my follies to. I promise I have successes!!! But mostly give yourself credit. It's so hard sometimes, but I promise it makes you feel better. It makes you feel stronger and braver and more beautiful and whole. If your day is an Ironman (triathlon of 2.4 miles of swimming, a marathon, and 112 miles of biking!!!!) give yourself some much-needed satisfaction that you are doing what you've set out to do! I'm here, ready with a hug, pat on the back, treat, or award if you need it from an outside source. Sometimes you do need someone else to tell you, what you're telling yourself daily. Feel free to call me, facebook me, text me, email me, comment here, anything but Morse Code because I don't understand Morse Code. I'll give you a pep talk! I like to think I'm kinda good at them. And I'm happy to be a Rescuer for anyone else who needs it.

On another note: I'm happy to announce I've decided to do something pretty darn brave and go to an audition for an opportunity at Disneyland Hong Kong! It would only be 6 months if I do make the cut, and if I don't that's totally fine with me, I'll just keep on going here, try again, go to school, I don't know, figure something out. I woke up this morning and saw the audition and knew I had to go. So here goes nothing!

Becoming Strong

I've been following Demi Lovato's recovery story and her motto is "Stay Strong". She had it tattooed on her wrists over the scars from cutting. Now, I am NOT saying I'm a cutter--I'm not a cutter I promise! But I do appreciate her motto and her sharing her story with others. And I'm using her as inspiration and a precautionary tale. You should always, always, ALWAYS ask for help before getting to a point anywhere near cutting or an eating disorder. (Disclaimer: she does have a mental condition, not that that's an excuse, it does make the situation slightly more understandable though.)

So in order to help myself Stay Strong I won't be tattooing the message on my wrists, but I will be taking the message to heart. For me though, I think it's more of a Becoming Strong. (Yes, Rae, Mom, Kavyn, and whoever else chooses to comment on this, feel free to tell me how strong I already am, I will save it in my documents of things to read frequently that make me feel strong.) I will be doing different segments about my Becoming Strong. The segments are undecided as of yet, but they are to come.

Next will be my Becoming Strong playlist. (Songs that make me feel strong and empowered.)

Balance

Balance is something I've been wondering for a while, and especially today. I feel like Gus Gus from Cinderella (you saw the Disney reference coming didn't you?!) balancing the pieces of corn--at least they look like corn--and dropping all the pieces right when the evil cat Lucifer comes stalking around. (Hehe corn grows on a stalk!!! Yay puns!! Sorry...on with...smart things...) Gus Gus drops all his food all over the ground and scurrying off into the mouse hole nearby. Often I feel like Gus Gus carrying so many pieces of corn and just dropping them one by one. It's much more balanced to drop a few pieces before you drop them all because of an incident.

Recently I was carrying too much and dropped it all when an incident came around. And I know I keep talking about it, but picking up those pieces you left behind when you are still scared that cat is going to peek it's nasty head around the corner and come back and try and bite you.

Learning to take out the unnecessary things in your life and take care of yourself is a big part of balance. I'm still figuring out the other intricacies of balancing life and definitely do not have it mastered. I do have the whole dropping everything and running into a mouse hole sobbing down pat! I'm really great at that.

I find it very hard to balance being brave and beautiful at the same time. It's so hard for me to brave and say the things I need to say even if it hurts someone, even if it only hurts them for a little while and ends up making us stronger. I would so much rather just try and be beautiful and sweet and make everyone happy and feel good, but that can hurt me! Also, I'm bad at looking for the beautiful things in life. I am getting better though! And I guess that's what's important. That's what you need to balance most is trying as hard as you possibly can and looking at yourself and giving yourself credit for how far you've come and everything you have accomplished. And that's the balance I'm working on most.

Bravery

So, I once defined beauty, and I decided to take a crack at defining bravery. When most people think of bravery as a knight in shining armor riding his white horse into battle (or nowadays, I soldier in camo driving a tank into battle), and while yes that takes incredible amounts of bravery I think that there are many different forms of being brave. So here are a few examples of my definition of bravery.

Admitting you need help is very brave. Admitting you have a problem is brave. Even braver is seeking the help and trying your hardest to help yourself. There are so many people who cowardly hide their pain and issues inside, when really they should just let someone know and let themselves free of being trapped inside themselves with their issues.

Being yourself is powerfully brave. Not allowing others to sway you in their judgments of you and their opinions of who you are is brave. Those who truly love you appreciate you for who you are and for who you aren't and encourage you gently toward who you are to become, they don't judge you or hate on you for being who you are now and moving toward who you are becoming.

Feeling good about yourself is brave. In American culture if you don't hate yourself or at least some part of yourself there is supposedly something wrong with you, you're self-centered and prideful and conceited and a bad person. When that isn't true. It's brave to feel good about yourself and accept the things you hate about yourself and to love yourself or at least pieces of yourself.

Living take courage. Taking breaths, waking up every morning, getting out of bed, getting dressed, going to work, taking care of yourself and loved ones, it all takes bravery and courage. Sometimes more than others. How much easier would it be to just let yourself slip away into the Lord's comfort? So much, but living and doing your best at it takes true courage.

Doing your best is brave. It's simple and spineless to stop trying to give up and sit by the side of your life's path. It's brave to stand up and keep walking when you no longer have strength. It's brave to drag yourself along when your legs give out. It's brave to lift up your hand to the person whose path will correspond with yours just when you need them. (Just as God intended it.) It's brave to look down the road and know that someday you will get to that point because you will "keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things," as Walt Disney put it.

Helping others is brave. Giving someone your hand, your shoulder to cry on, your arms to hold them, your eyes to cry with them, your heart to ache with them is courageous. Telling them your experiences to help them is brave.

Trying new things is brave. You don't know what that exotic piece of fruit or mysterious piece of meat is going to taste like, so putting it in your mouth is brave. But trying a new job or school or town or neighborhood or idea or blog or challenge is brave. You don't know how it will affect you and your life, and facing that unknown is brave. Very brave.

Trust is brave. Not stuff like trust-falls, and other stuff you see coworkers doing on TV shows and commercials. True trust is hard and sometimes painful and so brave. Leaning on someone else and telling them your secrets and hopes and fears and dreams is brave and sometimes so hard.

Love is heroic. Giving someone part of your heart and hoping, praying, and trusting they won't shatter it or leave it out in the rain to catch cold or simply hand it back is incredibly brave. It's brave to keep loving someone after you've hurt them, or after they've hurt you. Even though you've given those people a piece of you, you can still feel that piece they're holding on to. It's easy and cowardly to just walk away and take your heart back from someone you love, it's brave to put yourself on the line again and keep loving them and give them another chance. (Disclaimer: Sometimes giving someone another chance is just stupid, not brave. You have to be the judge of that for yourself, here's for hoping you aren't stupid! Hehe!)

This is a suit of armor in Disneyland, he's pretty brave to just stand there. Hehe!

It just sounded like fun to put in a picture of him :)

That's my Mom! She's struggled through most of her life and you would never know it. Her strength and bravery is quiet and peaceful. Her courage is lost to words. Her experiences are inexplicable. Her strength is unfathomable. She's a beautiful, brave, wonderful woman.

This is Rae's Phill. He's been deployed twice, leaving his wife and children behind to go off to the horrors of war, not knowing whether or not he would come back to them. Not only that he's picked up his family and moved to a new place about every 3 years. Including in August, when they'll move to Texas.

This is Phill's Rae. She's gone through everything with him, always by his side, always supporting him. Not only that she's courageously raised 3 children, while go through personal struggles. Rae's gone through an inexplicable amount of challenges, that I've only begun to fathom, and bravely borne them and struggled through them, trying so hard to move forward past them. While trying to drag herself down her path of life, she's picked up others along the way, forgetting her own struggles and helping those she's found in their challenges. Rae has handled her challenges with equal helpings of bravery, beauty and sweetness. Which is truly admirable.

This is my Kavyn. You all know that I love her and she's my best friend. What you may not know is that she has placed her already rocky path of life right next to my broken and often hidden one, and not only does she leave her path to let me cry on her shoulders, and to comfort me as I try to be brave (often failing), but she picks me up and carries me as far as she can. Something else you don't know is that she feels lucky to do so and asks for nothing in return. Completely selflessly she listens to me whine and watches me try and trip and often fail, and just tells me that she loves me too and to keep going because I'm stronger and braver than I give myself credit for. She is so brave to love me. And so brave to keep going and living and fighting the fight she's been handed. She's not got it easy, but she handles it at her very best which is all anyone can ask. This girl's a special one, so watch out world, she's going to change you. Even if it's only one person at a time.