Feeling Good

So I am having a pretty great day today, and really for no particular reason whatsoever. Actually it's been a miracle that today I have felt so great about my day.

I had to work today, for the 5th Saturday in a row. And, hey, even though my social life is fully DOA, I still like a Saturday off every once in a while so then I actually have a chance to recharge before the new work week. (Not that I hate work, we just all need breaks, you know?)
I've felt SO judged and SO belittled and SO disrespected and SO unheard this past week especially. Far more than usual. (Just ask Rae, I've told her about 10 billion times this week.)
Today was also someone's birthday who I no longer speak to and miss daily and today marks 2 years since I've seen this person. And I anticipated today to be one of those difficult days where I wish I could go back in time and change my decision to sever those ties.

And even though these 3 major things (and others I'm not ready to parade around the internet) were counting against me I still had a fantastic-feeling day! Can you believe it?! And I feel so empowered by the fact that I feel so much more fantastic than expected, that I feel more fantastic, and it's all one big splendid spiral of better-than-expected-happiness.

Today I was grateful to have a job, and grateful for how much my job has taught me about my personal finances. And really seeing how far I've come--especially in the past 3 years--in budgeting, sticking to a budget, and even saving.
I felt pretty, confident, and more able to show my true colors today. And even though I'm usually very confident in the blessing of my attractive facade, my confidence of my insides and letting people see me has always been a struggle.
Even though I was missing the aforementioned person, I realized how much better off I really am without that person, and how much I have grown without them. And even though I still miss them and I do still think of them and care about them, today I feel solid in my choice to not be their friend any longer. Today I feel peaceful and whole without them. I'm glad for them that they have their own life without me, and I'm glad for me and my independence.

Hooray for a wonderful day! I hope you had one too.


And if you're reading this you-know-who-you-are happy birthday. (But that does not mean my decision's changed.)

Be KIND!!

So I'm sure you are all also SO sick of hate, of negativity, of bad news, of just general not-nice-ness. Aren't you? I am.
I'm not just sick of the not-nice-ness that is rampant on the news, social media, or any media, but I'm sick to nausea of not-nice-ness between people! To hear people undercut, undermine, belittle, and bring down their fellow humans is so discouraging to me right now. Perhaps it's because I'm especially tender, still struggling through some big trials and battles I've been fighting. Perhaps it's because I'm just an emotionally tender person anyway. Perhaps it's because it seems as though the negativity and not-nice-ness has seemed to be thrown in my face very much lately.
Enough ranting from me. Here's my encouraging:

Be kind!! Everyone around you is struggling with something. Every single person near you has messed up something today, big or small. Everyone around you has something that has hurt them so deeply that they couldn't express it to you if they tried. Everyone has pain, loneliness, hurt, anger, frustration. And everyone (did you read that right?! Everyone!!) needs a smile from a kind stranger, or a door held open, or a compliment, or just a kind vibe. Even if that is all you can do, that is enough to change someone's day, which has a ripple affect on the their week, month, year and life! Think of that! Just for a moment imagine the lives you can change just by taking a millisecond from a busy second to do some minute kindness. And then take a longer moment to imagine the lives you change by bigger kindnesses and services that you are capable of doing for others without even interrupting your own life by very much at all. Isn't it amazing, that vision you see now? The people who will look back at how you helped them at the end of the day (or week, month, or life). Now don't you feel a little better and a little more kind? --Yes, you're welcome!

Think positive!! There will always be something that will have the capability of ruining your day, of pulling you down, of taking you to a dark place. But guess what?! We are also blessed (every single one of us!) with many beautiful, wonderful, positive, light-filled things that can distract you from those not-nice things and help to keep you positive and kind. How many things can you think of today that went wrong, that made you mad, that hurt your feelings, or that just wasn't good? Probably a lot. But how many things can you think of today that went right, that you learned, that made you smile, that made you laugh, that lifted your spirits, that gave you hope? Is it the same amount as the not-nice? Maybe more? Or is it less? For me honestly it's less today. But hopefully tomorrow I will do better and see more that's positive. I'm not going to guilt myself about it today and give myself more not-nice-ness, I will just accept I didn't do my best and try harder tomorrow.

Build people up! There is far too much verbal attacking and taking down in our world. And I'm guilty of it too! But can we all please try a little harder to build each other up. To find something good in others? A former coworker of mine once said, "At least he breathes well!" about someone who was driving us both a little crazy. And ever since I've loved that concept. If nothing else a live human being breathes well. And you can tell merely by the fact that they're still alive. Marvelous isn't it?! I just gave you something positive about every single person on the planet! And guess what?! There's more than that positive in just about every single human being out of the 7 billion of us trying to muddle through life on this planet. Maybe you don't understand that one person you're thinking about right now who's driving you absolutely batty, but isn't it fantastic? Isn't it wonderful that so many different types of people exist in our world? Think of the things that person is capable that perhaps you aren't. For example the person I'm thinking of right now is far more skilled in speaking their mind and communicating to another person their opinion, which is a good thing! This other person is more likely to get what they're asking for, because they're better at asking for it. (See, finding their positive wasn't so hard was it?) 

Just keep trying. It's hard. Life is hard. Being positive is hard. Liking people is hard. And it's kinda stinky to fight the not-nice-ness. But you can do it!! You're gonna screw up. I'm gonna screw up. But we can keep trying. And that's all we can do! All we can do is try! So don't get bogged down in how much you screw up (or how much I screw up...it's a lot...). Just keep going. Acknowledge that your best effort wasn't met, and then just keep trying, knowing that you'll never be perfect. Yes some days are just down right awful and everything crashes down around you and you just need to go home with at least a pint of ice cream and just cry and shovel the sugary fatty bad-for-you dairy into your face. BUT THAT'S OKAY! We are human. We are allowed bad days. We are permitted mistakes, and horrible, awful, so-bad, Jonah days. But then we can--and I argue must--pick ourselves back up and soldier on, seeing the most positive and being the most kind we can be. Please do NOT feel like I'm telling you to be perfectly happy in spite of any negative thing. NO!!! You are allowed to feel bad, and wallow a little, but don't stay there forever! Gain your strength, and depend on others' strength if you must, and keep going the best you can. And use your experiences feeling awful to have pity and empathy and sympathy for others when you see them struggling. I truly and honestly believe that the not-nice things that happen to us have purpose. And sometimes the only purpose seems to be to give you more compassion for others. Don't let the not-nice-ness make you not-nice. Let it do the opposite and give you more understanding, more love, more capability for light.

Above all be kind. Kind to others. And kind to yourself. Just kind. :)

A Place in This World

There's a Taylor Swift song called "A Place in This World" she talks about how she's just trying to figure things out and is trying to find her place in this world. If you know your place in this world, you are so lucky. I don't. I actually don't have a single clue. Not one. All I know are the facts. That I belong to a family. A mom, a dad, a brother, sister-in-law, sister. A friend to exactly six people. Frequaintance to countless others. ((Frequaintance: friend+acquaintance. And acquaintance who you like and are casual friends with.) ) Throughout my life I have rarely felt like I had a place in this world.

When I was tiny I knew just where I belonged: helping Mommy, hiding Barbies from my brother, playing with my sister, and cuddling with Daddy.

Then came elementary school and being so ahead of my classmates academically I got lost. I was kept in for recess to help other students with homework, and felt left-out when I got recess again.

I had a place when my kitty came and would sleep on my toes. Always with me, playing with me, comforting me, just mine. Then he was gone due to my mother's allergies, and then died when he ran away from his new owners.

I had a place for a little while with friends after that. Then we moved. To a new school where the girls hated me and the friends I did have I hardly even liked, I just had them to say I had friends. The other girl's cruel rumors hung over me like a cloud through middle school and high school where I struggled to find new friends over and over again.

I had a place when I finally found someone to be my best friend. It was a struggle to find her, and more of a struggle to keep her. But I had one. And that's all that mattered to me.

I thought I had a place when the newness off puppy love and the freedom of a driver's license hurled me into an oblivion void of caution. That vacuum sucked me up and spit me out pretty quickly.

I had a place again when my best friend status was more solidified with the aforementioned friend. And I was so happy. Then came last year and the exquisite pain of growing apart and realizing I wasn't cared for enough to be fought for. A pain and a lost friend that still haunt me. Even after not seeing her for almost 6 months (but who's counting, right?!). The thing I miss most about having a best friend, is being able to be a best friend.

And now, I'm place-less. 5 of my 6 friends live in stupid ole Texas and I miss them all so much it hurts, but hopefully will be visiting in a few months. The one remaining of the 6 friends lives in California. I'm lucky to be able to visit her next month. My family is going through tremendous upheaval with my brother having been married just 8 months ago and my dad having prostate cancer (surgery is next week), and my mom's court case starting to pick up steam (long story, you don't wanna know), and my sister being in school full time. I feel so purposeless and place-less next to all of them. It's so frightening to me. Frightening to feel like I'll never have a place again, never have close (geographically, and emotionally) friends again, never know what to do as a career, and always be overshadowed by those around me.

But I do have hope. Hope that someday I won't feel this way. Hope that I will find my place career-wise, friend-wise, husband-wise (I HOPE!!!), family-wise. Hope that this feeling will pass.

Okay, I know this is sorta depressing, but I had to share because it's been filling my head and banging to get out. So there it is. Maybe somebody else can put a more positive spin on it. I don't know. Maybe it'll help someone. I hope. <3

New Year

Here we are on the brink of 2012 and I hardly know how it got here. This is the time of year that we all look back and see our progress and look to the future and set new goals.

I've been looking back at the year in awe. In awe of the change in myself. I've become so much closer to the person I ultimately hope to become and I am very proud of myself. I still have a long way to go, but I've made leaps and bounds. As I'm sure you'll all figured out this year has been excruciating. I went through so much that I didn't see coming, and never wanted to see. They say that you don't know what you've got until it's gone, but I'm very much not that way. I know exactly what I have and live in fear of losing it. And I lost so much this year. But I've gained myself. I gained a knowledge of myself, my limits, my strengths, my challenges, my needs, my wants. I didn't really want to admit this online, as I live in fear of the repercussions of online postings, but I feel I should. I found out through counseling that lasted about 6 months that I have ADHD, abandonment issues, and developed acute social anxiety, among other challenges we all struggle with. But I'm making it through. Through the challenges every day poses. And I'm looking forward to a new year that, with any luck, holds fewer challenges than this past year and holds hope, growth and joy.

I hope your new year holds the same and I hope that you can look nostalgically on this past year, even if it was as difficult (or more difficult) as mine.

Happy New Years!!

One Day

No this post is not about the new Anne Hathaway movie One Day. (Though I do want to see that!) It's about the phrase, "One day...". We've all said it. "One day I'll go to Paris!" or "One day my prince will come." --See even a Disney Princess has said it.-- One day is a phrase full of hope and mystery and goals and fantasy. The mention of "One day...." can get you through a crappy night at a minimum wage job, thinking of the career you'll have (and LOVE) one day. The thought of "One day..." can get you through a challenging time in life, knowing that one day it will be better and you will be stronger. The idea of "One day..." has the potential to ease a broken heart toward healing. The foresight of thinking to that one day in the future that you can make better, that you can be better. One day can contain the hugest most wild, seemingly unreachable dreams and make them feel just one day away. One day contains beauty and fantasy, but it requires bravery and adventure to get there and make it the day you envision. Just going about and doing nothing will make one day just like the day you're living, that makes you dream of other things.

My One Day List:

-I will go to Paris. No doubt.

-I will have a career I love.

-I will figure out what I will do for a career exactly.

-I will work at a Disney park again (but in entertainment this time)

-I will have my own cute apartment or house.

-I will learn to sew.

-I will change someone else's life, for the better.

-I will make my family and friends proud to be close to me.

-I will come closer to who I want to be.