When I was tiny I knew just where I belonged: helping Mommy, hiding Barbies from my brother, playing with my sister, and cuddling with Daddy.
Then came elementary school and being so ahead of my classmates academically I got lost. I was kept in for recess to help other students with homework, and felt left-out when I got recess again.
I had a place when my kitty came and would sleep on my toes. Always with me, playing with me, comforting me, just mine. Then he was gone due to my mother's allergies, and then died when he ran away from his new owners.
I had a place for a little while with friends after that. Then we moved. To a new school where the girls hated me and the friends I did have I hardly even liked, I just had them to say I had friends. The other girl's cruel rumors hung over me like a cloud through middle school and high school where I struggled to find new friends over and over again.
I had a place when I finally found someone to be my best friend. It was a struggle to find her, and more of a struggle to keep her. But I had one. And that's all that mattered to me.
I thought I had a place when the newness off puppy love and the freedom of a driver's license hurled me into an oblivion void of caution. That vacuum sucked me up and spit me out pretty quickly.
I had a place again when my best friend status was more solidified with the aforementioned friend. And I was so happy. Then came last year and the exquisite pain of growing apart and realizing I wasn't cared for enough to be fought for. A pain and a lost friend that still haunt me. Even after not seeing her for almost 6 months (but who's counting, right?!). The thing I miss most about having a best friend, is being able to be a best friend.
And now, I'm place-less. 5 of my 6 friends live in stupid ole Texas and I miss them all so much it hurts, but hopefully will be visiting in a few months. The one remaining of the 6 friends lives in California. I'm lucky to be able to visit her next month. My family is going through tremendous upheaval with my brother having been married just 8 months ago and my dad having prostate cancer (surgery is next week), and my mom's court case starting to pick up steam (long story, you don't wanna know), and my sister being in school full time. I feel so purposeless and place-less next to all of them. It's so frightening to me. Frightening to feel like I'll never have a place again, never have close (geographically, and emotionally) friends again, never know what to do as a career, and always be overshadowed by those around me.
But I do have hope. Hope that someday I won't feel this way. Hope that I will find my place career-wise, friend-wise, husband-wise (I HOPE!!!), family-wise. Hope that this feeling will pass.
Okay, I know this is sorta depressing, but I had to share because it's been filling my head and banging to get out. So there it is. Maybe somebody else can put a more positive spin on it. I don't know. Maybe it'll help someone. I hope. <3
As a military brat, I myself don't usually feel that I have "roots" or a "place" that's really mine. But over the years, as I have made some of the dearest friends I ever could have dreamed of (you're on of them, you know), I realize that my place is wherever I'm loved. And you are loved across the world, C....in every corner, there is someone who knows you and loves you, or someone who doesn't know they love you.
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