Change, Change, Change!

Well, folks, things have got to change in my life. And I've known that for a long time and been working for it for a long time, and it just hasn't been working. I'm sick of being in this holding pattern. And honest-to-goodness I've been working so hard to get out of it. But with things as they are, I just can't be here and change my life the way it needs to. So I'm leaving. I'm going to the great state of Texas. My dear, dear Rae lives there, and soon her sister Abby, and her sister Liz lives just to the north in Oklahoma. And a school there in Dallas has the degree I want, and it just seems like the only place for me that makes sense. (Unless Disney calls me to be a part of their entertainment department! In which case Anaheim, Orlando, Paris, Tokyo or Hong Kong would make perfect sense! But that doesn't seem to be happening any time soon, so plan B ahoy!)
So, you see that picture? It's a shadowbox to put money I'm saving in (thank you Pinterest for the idea!!). I don't know if you know this, but I'm not good at saving. Okay, I'm not good with money. Like at all. But I'm trying. So there it is. The beginning of the next era of my life. I don't know if you can tell, but there is not one but TWO wrinkled 5 dollar bills in the frame! I'm pretty proud of myself actually. And I'm very excited because I need a change so bad. I need to rid myself of the image of my former self and be able to find who I am now better. I think I have some idea of who I am and who I want to be, but I want to shed the expectations of who I was and be able to know myself.
In the words of Sandy the Squirrel--yes, from Spongebob-- "Wish I could be in Texas, the ocean's no place for a squirrel. Wish I could be in Texas, prettiest place in the world oh-oh...Deep in my heart I'll always be a Texas girl."

Mothers

Happy Mothers Day!
I'd like to wish a Happy Mothers Day not only to those who have borne or adopted a child, but to all those who have mothered a child. To every aunt, to every cousin, friend, sister, teacher, baby-sitter who helped to mold and create who a child becomes. To every woman who absently rocks when she hears a baby crying. To every woman who has yearned for a child of her own.
There is a great need for a child to know their own mother and to be able to look up to her, but I think that also  mother figures are increasingly important in this world with shifting ideals and examples. Women everywhere need to remember how much younger women are watching them and how good of an influence that they can be in their lives. I know that mother figures have been greatly important in my own growing up. Every girl has some issue or another and every young woman has a time where she doesn't want to be anything like her mother. At those points in her life, she needs someone to look up to besides her own mother who will help guide her in seeing the positives in her own mother that she can look up to.
I'd like to send all my love to the ladies in my life who have helped me to see the things in them and in my mother that I'd like to be more like. I hope and pray that I am helping other girls in their quest for womanhood, as I am striving for the same thing.
I hope your Mothers Day is spent in appreciation of the women in your life and of your own accomplishments as a woman (unless you're a man, then Father's Day it'll be your turn!).

What's in a Rose?

This rose has so very truly inspired me. In so many ways. It was a bright shining moment of beauty in a very dreary day. (Thank you Farnsworths for letting me have it!!)

If you can tell from the photos I took the outer petals are white and the further in you look the more peachy-pink the petals are. And it struck me. At first I wasn't sure why I loved the rose so much and then I realized why. 

This rose reminds me of myself.

At first glance it's just a regular rose.

But then you look closer.

You see the scars on the outer layers.

You see the depth of color in the middle.

You see how each layer of who I am makes my complete self.

You see how fragile I am.

Then you smell that I like to smell good. (Haha!)

I think we're all like this rose. Layers upon layers of personal moments, memories, quirks, lessons learned. And all making us who we are. Maybe you're a different color rose. More vibrant. Or more muted in a different kind of way. Maybe there are fewer layers to you. Or the layers aren't as tightly guarded as mine. Maybe there are fewer scars on your outer layers. Maybe you have more scars on your outer layers. Maybe your layers are tighter wrapped. 

Isn't it marvelous that although we are all so different, we all make beautiful flowers still?

My Apologies

My apologies for having not written recently. I've been mulling over a few different ideas that I just can't seem to complete, but they're in progress. And I had a small idea for my apologies for my silence. But it just didn't come out well. The ground where I'm sitting has been so grey, and I figure leaking black words into the grey and leaving it on the internet where it would be permanently was worse than just silently seeking the sheerer shades in my view. (That's just a fancy way of me saying: Instead of me whining you're just getting silence.) Hopefully my ideas come together soon.

PS: Not all has been grey! One shining white moment was when Rae came earlier this month! With Savvy!! Such a shining white moment! Though sadly sometimes the light blinds us, leaving all that didn't seem so dark before, a deep blending blur afterward.

A Place in This World

There's a Taylor Swift song called "A Place in This World" she talks about how she's just trying to figure things out and is trying to find her place in this world. If you know your place in this world, you are so lucky. I don't. I actually don't have a single clue. Not one. All I know are the facts. That I belong to a family. A mom, a dad, a brother, sister-in-law, sister. A friend to exactly six people. Frequaintance to countless others. ((Frequaintance: friend+acquaintance. And acquaintance who you like and are casual friends with.) ) Throughout my life I have rarely felt like I had a place in this world.

When I was tiny I knew just where I belonged: helping Mommy, hiding Barbies from my brother, playing with my sister, and cuddling with Daddy.

Then came elementary school and being so ahead of my classmates academically I got lost. I was kept in for recess to help other students with homework, and felt left-out when I got recess again.

I had a place when my kitty came and would sleep on my toes. Always with me, playing with me, comforting me, just mine. Then he was gone due to my mother's allergies, and then died when he ran away from his new owners.

I had a place for a little while with friends after that. Then we moved. To a new school where the girls hated me and the friends I did have I hardly even liked, I just had them to say I had friends. The other girl's cruel rumors hung over me like a cloud through middle school and high school where I struggled to find new friends over and over again.

I had a place when I finally found someone to be my best friend. It was a struggle to find her, and more of a struggle to keep her. But I had one. And that's all that mattered to me.

I thought I had a place when the newness off puppy love and the freedom of a driver's license hurled me into an oblivion void of caution. That vacuum sucked me up and spit me out pretty quickly.

I had a place again when my best friend status was more solidified with the aforementioned friend. And I was so happy. Then came last year and the exquisite pain of growing apart and realizing I wasn't cared for enough to be fought for. A pain and a lost friend that still haunt me. Even after not seeing her for almost 6 months (but who's counting, right?!). The thing I miss most about having a best friend, is being able to be a best friend.

And now, I'm place-less. 5 of my 6 friends live in stupid ole Texas and I miss them all so much it hurts, but hopefully will be visiting in a few months. The one remaining of the 6 friends lives in California. I'm lucky to be able to visit her next month. My family is going through tremendous upheaval with my brother having been married just 8 months ago and my dad having prostate cancer (surgery is next week), and my mom's court case starting to pick up steam (long story, you don't wanna know), and my sister being in school full time. I feel so purposeless and place-less next to all of them. It's so frightening to me. Frightening to feel like I'll never have a place again, never have close (geographically, and emotionally) friends again, never know what to do as a career, and always be overshadowed by those around me.

But I do have hope. Hope that someday I won't feel this way. Hope that I will find my place career-wise, friend-wise, husband-wise (I HOPE!!!), family-wise. Hope that this feeling will pass.

Okay, I know this is sorta depressing, but I had to share because it's been filling my head and banging to get out. So there it is. Maybe somebody else can put a more positive spin on it. I don't know. Maybe it'll help someone. I hope. <3

Strengthening

Last night I had a long and emotional talk with my dear, dear friend Rae. I was sobbing about the words I can barely bring myself to type, let alone say out loud. But the words that ring through my head all day, every day, well....since last Monday. And every time the bell of those words go off, I feel like I've been punched in the gut. Again. You may as well know, readers and friends, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. Cancer. A 6-letter word. But worse than any 4-letter word. 4-letter words go away. They slip off the tongue sometimes unnoticed. They hit the ear and the impact of the word goes away. Cancer doesn't. Cancer sticks around, killing as goes. Cancer takes not only from the person it resides in, but from those that love that person. Okay, my Dad will probably not die from this cancer, because he has prostate cancer that is 95-98% curable. So, please don't worry as much as I am worrying. It isn't healthy. Believe me, I know.

During my long, emotional talk with Rae I was getting really frustrated. Frustrated because I just had the toughest year of my life and was knocked off my feet for the past year. I was in counseling, battled depression and anxiety--am now medicated for depression and anxiety--, was diagnosed with ADHD (not severe), battled the deepest, most poignant loneliness I've ever felt, fought against feeling lost and useless, and struggled for every day to just please be a little better. And I lived through that year. I made it. And I was finally feeling like I'd regained my footing and was ready to find my place and just start really living again, and then last Monday happened. And I know that through the sweetness and mercy of my Father in Heaven and the sacrifice of my Savior that no matter what happens to my dad, it will be okay. That I will not only see him again even if the worst happened, he will call me his "Goo" again, that he will hug me and get teary-eyed while I sob. And knowing that gives me such comfort. But I am still scared. I am scared of seeing my father weakened. Scared of being so severely depressed again. Scared of the absolute worst case scenario.

As I told Rae all this I asked, "Why Rae? Couldn't I have just had a little more time to catch my breath? I don't know if I can do this!" and she--like the earthly angel she is--answered that I can. That she knows I can. That the Lord prepared me with such hardships this past year to give me the strength to handle this. She paid me such high and compliments to my handling of the past year and helped me to see more clearly and think past the grief, shock, and terror clouding my tired brain.

Did I also mention that Tuesday morning I started vomiting at about 1 am and was in the ER by 7? Somehow, that's true, I didn't just make it up. Oh, the week my family's been through. Oh, the weeks we'll go through in the coming months.

We can't always see the Lord's intentions or plans for us. We can't see what's on the other side of the trials we experience. (Maybe sometimes because we'd refuse to face what's on the other side of what we're going through.) But the Lord has a purpose for everything, every trial, every blessing, every gift, every loss. He's strengthening us and giving us tools to make us better. We just have to keep trying. Keep going. Keep living. I know it's hard. Oh, believe me, I know. I know how incredibly difficult it is to even make yourself get out of bed some days, so difficult that it seems impossible. But it isn't. Find your strength, something that makes you happy-even in the tiniest bit and cling to that as tight as you can. Even if that something that makes you the tiniest bit happy is as silly as a kitty board on your Pinterest. (Which I HIGHLY suggest Pinterest! It's fun! If you want an invite just send me your e-mail and I'll invite you. Then you can see my board titled "I REALLY want a kitty!!!" and at least get a laugh over how obsessed I am with felines.) Get a pet if you're lucky enough to be able to, pick up a hobby, learn a talent, serve someone who needs it, and pray. Pray, pray, pray. The Lord is listening, He loves you. He aches to bless you. He yearns to use your willing hands and heart to bless others who need it. He wants you to be happy. And most of all He wants you to reach your potential. (Yes, sometimes it really sucks to be in the growing part of reaching your potential. "Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come." ~Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. I love that quote. Even if you aren't religious, find something that can help to give you hope and help.)

I hope this helps someone, and doesn't come off as just whining. I always sincerely hope that each of my posts at least brightens someone's day. And helping more than that would mean the world to me.....as would more comments, because I like reading your comments! :)

Sunrise, Sunset

Yes, I'm aware that right now you're singing Fiddler on the Roof songs, but that's not really what my post is about today. On my way to and from various babysitting jobs I've seen far more beautiful sunrises and sunsets than I think I've ever seen in my entire life. The clouds have been streaked with hot and pale pink along with soft wafting oranges and bright electric oranges. Matched against pale purple, periwinkle, and blue. And almost every sunrise and sunset this week has brought me to tears. The beauty in the skies is a constant reminder to me of the love God must have for us to create such beautiful things for us to see and experience. And it reminds me of the fact that every night ends into a a brilliant opening of opportunities, and that every day must end and sometimes it ends with a sweet and beautiful parting. And there is another day to come, with it's own storms and sunlight.

I hope you enjoy the next sunrise or sunset, literal or figurative.

A Little Encouragement

So I have ranted before about my frustration of people looking at me and assuming that I'm anorexic because of my very-slim body type. And this is and isn't another one. My main issue is that because I'm skinny people assume that I am severely mentally unhealthy, and think that it is alright to tell me so. While it is true that Anorexia and Bulimia are serious mental illnesses and if you're struggling with them, you should seek help from those you trust, however everyone who's skinny is not struggling with those mental illnesses. What baffles me is that while it is not okay for someone to state the fact that someone is carrying extra fat in their body, it is okay for someone to falsely accuse me of having unstable mental health.

I think that we all really need to be more accepting of each other's bodies and realize that the bodies we live in for our short duration on earth are not the important thing. Our hearts are the important thing. And how we treat each other is the important thing. We all have room for improvement with our physical health and with our service and our love toward others. I hope we can all be more forgiving of others and learn to love each other more fully. We all are going through our own struggles and pains and we all need forgiveness and love on our journey through this life. Can't we all focus on that instead of each other's faults?

Here's for hoping that something I've said touches someone and helps them do a little better.

Caring for Myself

So today I was feeling pretty crumby and missing so many people so achingly much I couldn't stand it, so I pulled on yoga pants, gym shoes, and an old Disney t-shirt plugged in my iPod and set off. Where I didn't know, how far I had no clue. All I knew is that I felt terrible and I wanted my legs to pound my emotion into the earth, to let her feel my pain and to receive endorphins back from my pounding into the pavement. With Adele, Taylor Swift, Demi Lovato, and the Jonas Brothers fueling my half-sobbing terribly emotion walk/run--note that walk came before run, lots more walking happened than running--I made it through 2 miles, 2 miles thinking of days gone by. Those days included my sophomore year of high school when I was in high school and could mostly jog 3 miles in half an hour. And as my feet pattered a pattern the pavement I let all my walls down and just felt. It was refreshing and frustrating. Frustrating for the weakness of my frame. Frustrating for the inability to go faster. Frustrating for the inability to run longer. Frustrating for the people driving the streets and on the side of the road. Frustrating for the lack of loneliness my heart felt. Refreshing for the pumping of my legs. Refreshing for the beating of my heart. Refreshing for the giving over of myself to the strumming of guitars, pounding of drums and tinkle of the ivory. Refreshing for the reminder that negative emotions are not weakness, it is human strength and proof of love. Refreshing for the caring of myself.

Furthermore I chose to share the songs closest to my heart with all of you. So here you go!

Fix A Heart--Demi Lovato, Unbroken. This song just hits a tender part of my heart at the moment. It hits so close to home and I love it. The lyrics and the plain piano chords just seem to be just for me. Because sometimes someone takes a piece of your heart and you just can't fix it once they broke it, you just have to move past it.

Somewhere Only We Know--Glee Version, The Warblers. Yes, you notice the similar theme to the previous song? Oh how strange...not really! This song never ceases to reduce me to tears. Any version--just especially this one. It makes me wonder about the story of the poor soul who wrote it. I hope they got a good goodbye that they can look back on with a smile now. (And not just a smile from the money they've made since the song is popular.)

I Wish You Love--Nat King Cole, Live at the Sands. Okay, this one makes me sob too. But with his perfect syrupy-smooth voice how could you not? Well....how could I not?? When this one is so similar to the others I don't see how I could say much more except for vent my frustrations that artists neither sing like this nor sing subjects like this any more. And I'm sure you don't really want to hear that rant, because it lasts for days.

Enchanted--Taylor Swift, Speak Now. I REALLY want to be enchanted to meet someone. To come home giggling and blushing and dancing and scream-singing this song. I daydream of meeting said Prince Charming somehow irresistibly charming--as well as me looking completely gorgeous!--like we reach for the same tub of ice cream at the grocery store, or I'm at Disneyland adoring Sleeping Beauty's Castle and I trip over him eating his corn dog from the corn dog cart and he catches me and I treat him to a new corn dog as his is inevitably ruined by my tripping and we enjoy corn dogs together and keep running into each other in the park. Yes, my imagination is reaching for the stars. But it may as well, that's its job!

Someone Like You--Adele, 21. WATCH THIS VIDEO! I'm not lying. Do it now! I loved this song before and now I'm shaking, totally breathless at the magic of this version. It was shattering. The camera work I found really natural and organic and I loved that they were at her house and she was singing for herself. And at the end of the song she's biting her thumb and thinking and a small tear is in her eye and I sobbed. Big, breathless, babyish sobs. It is unbelievable how brilliant that is. Also this song I am constantly playing on my piano and belting or listening to. It's so bittersweet and beautiful and I love it.

Well, for now that's all. I hope you enjoyed my little half-rant half-inspiration. I hope it fueled you in your New Years Resolution to take care of yourself better and stronger too!