Change, Change, Change!

Well, folks, things have got to change in my life. And I've known that for a long time and been working for it for a long time, and it just hasn't been working. I'm sick of being in this holding pattern. And honest-to-goodness I've been working so hard to get out of it. But with things as they are, I just can't be here and change my life the way it needs to. So I'm leaving. I'm going to the great state of Texas. My dear, dear Rae lives there, and soon her sister Abby, and her sister Liz lives just to the north in Oklahoma. And a school there in Dallas has the degree I want, and it just seems like the only place for me that makes sense. (Unless Disney calls me to be a part of their entertainment department! In which case Anaheim, Orlando, Paris, Tokyo or Hong Kong would make perfect sense! But that doesn't seem to be happening any time soon, so plan B ahoy!)
So, you see that picture? It's a shadowbox to put money I'm saving in (thank you Pinterest for the idea!!). I don't know if you know this, but I'm not good at saving. Okay, I'm not good with money. Like at all. But I'm trying. So there it is. The beginning of the next era of my life. I don't know if you can tell, but there is not one but TWO wrinkled 5 dollar bills in the frame! I'm pretty proud of myself actually. And I'm very excited because I need a change so bad. I need to rid myself of the image of my former self and be able to find who I am now better. I think I have some idea of who I am and who I want to be, but I want to shed the expectations of who I was and be able to know myself.
In the words of Sandy the Squirrel--yes, from Spongebob-- "Wish I could be in Texas, the ocean's no place for a squirrel. Wish I could be in Texas, prettiest place in the world oh-oh...Deep in my heart I'll always be a Texas girl."

Respite, Rae, and Rambling

I'm thoroughly enjoying Texas. Loving every minute of being so loved and needed by the DeVaults. Savvy needs the girly attention of flipping through magazines and playing dollies. Reed needs the attention logical answers and occasional pretending. Jaxon needs the giggling, tickling and general being silly. And I love it. I haven't been this needed in so long. And it is so refreshing. As my fingers click and clatter across the keys, Rae is singing quietly with each child as she puts them to bed, and admittedly I'm crying. I want so badly to be so loved and needed by my own children. I want so badly a man to love me as her Phill loves her. I want so badly to be more like Rachel. In so many ways. I wish I had more curves, like Rae's perfect shape. I wish I had more of her empathy and depth of emotion in general. I wish I had her energy, her creativity in and out of the home, her ability to make it work (even if "it" is a house that they don't quite fit in, or a scheduling inconvenience).
I don't want to leave. I want to stay sleeping on her couch, petting the kitties--Jude and Olive--, playing with kids, laughing with Phill and Rae, and helping with the endless laundry and dishes of a young family. I want to stay here, healing, until I am whole. I wish I could. And yet the real world calls. Bills, family, school are all screaming my name. I desperately just want to ignore them and stay, stay, stay. Maybe I can. I don't know. But for now I will savor the moments that seem so much like a fairy-tale or a movie. Moments that don't seem to belong in my life. Moments I love. Moments I need. Moments that will sustain me through the future, as the imagination of them sustained me through the past months.
The hardest times of my life have been this past year, and just when I think they're over, they're only beginning. And I've just tried. Tried to keep going, tried to make the best decisions, tried to go in the right direction, tried to keep seeing the good and the beautiful, tried to be brave. Tried. And that's all I could've done, all I can do. That's all any of us can do. Is just try. If that's what we are doing, we can't be ashamed of ourselves. Because we tried. And I have. And I'm okay with it...almost. I'll keep trying and trying and probably crying. Hopefully times will get better. Hopefully.

Texas

That's right. I'm going to Texas. To see Rae. Tomorrow. Finally, tomorrow. I feel like I've been waiting forever since I booked my flight. But tomorrow I will be in the air, before landing in Dallas and being picked up by Phill or Rae, and welcomed into their home for 2 weeks. I'm so excited! So excited to be with them and their kids. So excited to renew and refresh and relax and help and serve and be helped and served. I can hardly wait. And I hardly have to. And I can't tell you how happy that makes me. Hopefully this is a turning point for the better, I'm so sick of struggling. I'm hoping and praying that this at least turns something around that will go better.