Feeling Good

So I am having a pretty great day today, and really for no particular reason whatsoever. Actually it's been a miracle that today I have felt so great about my day.

I had to work today, for the 5th Saturday in a row. And, hey, even though my social life is fully DOA, I still like a Saturday off every once in a while so then I actually have a chance to recharge before the new work week. (Not that I hate work, we just all need breaks, you know?)
I've felt SO judged and SO belittled and SO disrespected and SO unheard this past week especially. Far more than usual. (Just ask Rae, I've told her about 10 billion times this week.)
Today was also someone's birthday who I no longer speak to and miss daily and today marks 2 years since I've seen this person. And I anticipated today to be one of those difficult days where I wish I could go back in time and change my decision to sever those ties.

And even though these 3 major things (and others I'm not ready to parade around the internet) were counting against me I still had a fantastic-feeling day! Can you believe it?! And I feel so empowered by the fact that I feel so much more fantastic than expected, that I feel more fantastic, and it's all one big splendid spiral of better-than-expected-happiness.

Today I was grateful to have a job, and grateful for how much my job has taught me about my personal finances. And really seeing how far I've come--especially in the past 3 years--in budgeting, sticking to a budget, and even saving.
I felt pretty, confident, and more able to show my true colors today. And even though I'm usually very confident in the blessing of my attractive facade, my confidence of my insides and letting people see me has always been a struggle.
Even though I was missing the aforementioned person, I realized how much better off I really am without that person, and how much I have grown without them. And even though I still miss them and I do still think of them and care about them, today I feel solid in my choice to not be their friend any longer. Today I feel peaceful and whole without them. I'm glad for them that they have their own life without me, and I'm glad for me and my independence.

Hooray for a wonderful day! I hope you had one too.


And if you're reading this you-know-who-you-are happy birthday. (But that does not mean my decision's changed.)

Be KIND!!

So I'm sure you are all also SO sick of hate, of negativity, of bad news, of just general not-nice-ness. Aren't you? I am.
I'm not just sick of the not-nice-ness that is rampant on the news, social media, or any media, but I'm sick to nausea of not-nice-ness between people! To hear people undercut, undermine, belittle, and bring down their fellow humans is so discouraging to me right now. Perhaps it's because I'm especially tender, still struggling through some big trials and battles I've been fighting. Perhaps it's because I'm just an emotionally tender person anyway. Perhaps it's because it seems as though the negativity and not-nice-ness has seemed to be thrown in my face very much lately.
Enough ranting from me. Here's my encouraging:

Be kind!! Everyone around you is struggling with something. Every single person near you has messed up something today, big or small. Everyone around you has something that has hurt them so deeply that they couldn't express it to you if they tried. Everyone has pain, loneliness, hurt, anger, frustration. And everyone (did you read that right?! Everyone!!) needs a smile from a kind stranger, or a door held open, or a compliment, or just a kind vibe. Even if that is all you can do, that is enough to change someone's day, which has a ripple affect on the their week, month, year and life! Think of that! Just for a moment imagine the lives you can change just by taking a millisecond from a busy second to do some minute kindness. And then take a longer moment to imagine the lives you change by bigger kindnesses and services that you are capable of doing for others without even interrupting your own life by very much at all. Isn't it amazing, that vision you see now? The people who will look back at how you helped them at the end of the day (or week, month, or life). Now don't you feel a little better and a little more kind? --Yes, you're welcome!

Think positive!! There will always be something that will have the capability of ruining your day, of pulling you down, of taking you to a dark place. But guess what?! We are also blessed (every single one of us!) with many beautiful, wonderful, positive, light-filled things that can distract you from those not-nice things and help to keep you positive and kind. How many things can you think of today that went wrong, that made you mad, that hurt your feelings, or that just wasn't good? Probably a lot. But how many things can you think of today that went right, that you learned, that made you smile, that made you laugh, that lifted your spirits, that gave you hope? Is it the same amount as the not-nice? Maybe more? Or is it less? For me honestly it's less today. But hopefully tomorrow I will do better and see more that's positive. I'm not going to guilt myself about it today and give myself more not-nice-ness, I will just accept I didn't do my best and try harder tomorrow.

Build people up! There is far too much verbal attacking and taking down in our world. And I'm guilty of it too! But can we all please try a little harder to build each other up. To find something good in others? A former coworker of mine once said, "At least he breathes well!" about someone who was driving us both a little crazy. And ever since I've loved that concept. If nothing else a live human being breathes well. And you can tell merely by the fact that they're still alive. Marvelous isn't it?! I just gave you something positive about every single person on the planet! And guess what?! There's more than that positive in just about every single human being out of the 7 billion of us trying to muddle through life on this planet. Maybe you don't understand that one person you're thinking about right now who's driving you absolutely batty, but isn't it fantastic? Isn't it wonderful that so many different types of people exist in our world? Think of the things that person is capable that perhaps you aren't. For example the person I'm thinking of right now is far more skilled in speaking their mind and communicating to another person their opinion, which is a good thing! This other person is more likely to get what they're asking for, because they're better at asking for it. (See, finding their positive wasn't so hard was it?) 

Just keep trying. It's hard. Life is hard. Being positive is hard. Liking people is hard. And it's kinda stinky to fight the not-nice-ness. But you can do it!! You're gonna screw up. I'm gonna screw up. But we can keep trying. And that's all we can do! All we can do is try! So don't get bogged down in how much you screw up (or how much I screw up...it's a lot...). Just keep going. Acknowledge that your best effort wasn't met, and then just keep trying, knowing that you'll never be perfect. Yes some days are just down right awful and everything crashes down around you and you just need to go home with at least a pint of ice cream and just cry and shovel the sugary fatty bad-for-you dairy into your face. BUT THAT'S OKAY! We are human. We are allowed bad days. We are permitted mistakes, and horrible, awful, so-bad, Jonah days. But then we can--and I argue must--pick ourselves back up and soldier on, seeing the most positive and being the most kind we can be. Please do NOT feel like I'm telling you to be perfectly happy in spite of any negative thing. NO!!! You are allowed to feel bad, and wallow a little, but don't stay there forever! Gain your strength, and depend on others' strength if you must, and keep going the best you can. And use your experiences feeling awful to have pity and empathy and sympathy for others when you see them struggling. I truly and honestly believe that the not-nice things that happen to us have purpose. And sometimes the only purpose seems to be to give you more compassion for others. Don't let the not-nice-ness make you not-nice. Let it do the opposite and give you more understanding, more love, more capability for light.

Above all be kind. Kind to others. And kind to yourself. Just kind. :)

GLITTER!!!

If you couldn't tell from my post name, I'm obsessed now with glitter!! I love it! And I really needed a better solution for my makeup brushes so I scoured Pinterest (my very best friend!) and I found this wonderful post from The Blonde Bingo and I decided to try it! I just used different glitters I had around the house from different projects, and not all labeled. I mixed about half modge-podge and half glitter and then I found some glitter-glue and threw some of that in there! The modge-podge glitter mixture was looking kinda grey and funky so I decided to just go ahead and start putting it in the jar and I was so not coordinated at just letting it swirl around the jar like the blog I was following suggested, so I just took a sponge brush and kind of gloppily sponged it on. Which ended in the inside looking like this:

And after waiting, and waiting, and waiting (for 48 hours to be more approximate)... It ended up like this:

Isn't it beautiful?
(Can you tell from my nails how much I love glitter?!)

















And then here with my brushes in it and my perfumes next to it, a perfect fit in my bathroom :)

Change, Change, Change!

Well, folks, things have got to change in my life. And I've known that for a long time and been working for it for a long time, and it just hasn't been working. I'm sick of being in this holding pattern. And honest-to-goodness I've been working so hard to get out of it. But with things as they are, I just can't be here and change my life the way it needs to. So I'm leaving. I'm going to the great state of Texas. My dear, dear Rae lives there, and soon her sister Abby, and her sister Liz lives just to the north in Oklahoma. And a school there in Dallas has the degree I want, and it just seems like the only place for me that makes sense. (Unless Disney calls me to be a part of their entertainment department! In which case Anaheim, Orlando, Paris, Tokyo or Hong Kong would make perfect sense! But that doesn't seem to be happening any time soon, so plan B ahoy!)
So, you see that picture? It's a shadowbox to put money I'm saving in (thank you Pinterest for the idea!!). I don't know if you know this, but I'm not good at saving. Okay, I'm not good with money. Like at all. But I'm trying. So there it is. The beginning of the next era of my life. I don't know if you can tell, but there is not one but TWO wrinkled 5 dollar bills in the frame! I'm pretty proud of myself actually. And I'm very excited because I need a change so bad. I need to rid myself of the image of my former self and be able to find who I am now better. I think I have some idea of who I am and who I want to be, but I want to shed the expectations of who I was and be able to know myself.
In the words of Sandy the Squirrel--yes, from Spongebob-- "Wish I could be in Texas, the ocean's no place for a squirrel. Wish I could be in Texas, prettiest place in the world oh-oh...Deep in my heart I'll always be a Texas girl."

Mothers

Happy Mothers Day!
I'd like to wish a Happy Mothers Day not only to those who have borne or adopted a child, but to all those who have mothered a child. To every aunt, to every cousin, friend, sister, teacher, baby-sitter who helped to mold and create who a child becomes. To every woman who absently rocks when she hears a baby crying. To every woman who has yearned for a child of her own.
There is a great need for a child to know their own mother and to be able to look up to her, but I think that also  mother figures are increasingly important in this world with shifting ideals and examples. Women everywhere need to remember how much younger women are watching them and how good of an influence that they can be in their lives. I know that mother figures have been greatly important in my own growing up. Every girl has some issue or another and every young woman has a time where she doesn't want to be anything like her mother. At those points in her life, she needs someone to look up to besides her own mother who will help guide her in seeing the positives in her own mother that she can look up to.
I'd like to send all my love to the ladies in my life who have helped me to see the things in them and in my mother that I'd like to be more like. I hope and pray that I am helping other girls in their quest for womanhood, as I am striving for the same thing.
I hope your Mothers Day is spent in appreciation of the women in your life and of your own accomplishments as a woman (unless you're a man, then Father's Day it'll be your turn!).

What's in a Rose?

This rose has so very truly inspired me. In so many ways. It was a bright shining moment of beauty in a very dreary day. (Thank you Farnsworths for letting me have it!!)

If you can tell from the photos I took the outer petals are white and the further in you look the more peachy-pink the petals are. And it struck me. At first I wasn't sure why I loved the rose so much and then I realized why. 

This rose reminds me of myself.

At first glance it's just a regular rose.

But then you look closer.

You see the scars on the outer layers.

You see the depth of color in the middle.

You see how each layer of who I am makes my complete self.

You see how fragile I am.

Then you smell that I like to smell good. (Haha!)

I think we're all like this rose. Layers upon layers of personal moments, memories, quirks, lessons learned. And all making us who we are. Maybe you're a different color rose. More vibrant. Or more muted in a different kind of way. Maybe there are fewer layers to you. Or the layers aren't as tightly guarded as mine. Maybe there are fewer scars on your outer layers. Maybe you have more scars on your outer layers. Maybe your layers are tighter wrapped. 

Isn't it marvelous that although we are all so different, we all make beautiful flowers still?

My Apologies

My apologies for having not written recently. I've been mulling over a few different ideas that I just can't seem to complete, but they're in progress. And I had a small idea for my apologies for my silence. But it just didn't come out well. The ground where I'm sitting has been so grey, and I figure leaking black words into the grey and leaving it on the internet where it would be permanently was worse than just silently seeking the sheerer shades in my view. (That's just a fancy way of me saying: Instead of me whining you're just getting silence.) Hopefully my ideas come together soon.

PS: Not all has been grey! One shining white moment was when Rae came earlier this month! With Savvy!! Such a shining white moment! Though sadly sometimes the light blinds us, leaving all that didn't seem so dark before, a deep blending blur afterward.

A Place in This World

There's a Taylor Swift song called "A Place in This World" she talks about how she's just trying to figure things out and is trying to find her place in this world. If you know your place in this world, you are so lucky. I don't. I actually don't have a single clue. Not one. All I know are the facts. That I belong to a family. A mom, a dad, a brother, sister-in-law, sister. A friend to exactly six people. Frequaintance to countless others. ((Frequaintance: friend+acquaintance. And acquaintance who you like and are casual friends with.) ) Throughout my life I have rarely felt like I had a place in this world.

When I was tiny I knew just where I belonged: helping Mommy, hiding Barbies from my brother, playing with my sister, and cuddling with Daddy.

Then came elementary school and being so ahead of my classmates academically I got lost. I was kept in for recess to help other students with homework, and felt left-out when I got recess again.

I had a place when my kitty came and would sleep on my toes. Always with me, playing with me, comforting me, just mine. Then he was gone due to my mother's allergies, and then died when he ran away from his new owners.

I had a place for a little while with friends after that. Then we moved. To a new school where the girls hated me and the friends I did have I hardly even liked, I just had them to say I had friends. The other girl's cruel rumors hung over me like a cloud through middle school and high school where I struggled to find new friends over and over again.

I had a place when I finally found someone to be my best friend. It was a struggle to find her, and more of a struggle to keep her. But I had one. And that's all that mattered to me.

I thought I had a place when the newness off puppy love and the freedom of a driver's license hurled me into an oblivion void of caution. That vacuum sucked me up and spit me out pretty quickly.

I had a place again when my best friend status was more solidified with the aforementioned friend. And I was so happy. Then came last year and the exquisite pain of growing apart and realizing I wasn't cared for enough to be fought for. A pain and a lost friend that still haunt me. Even after not seeing her for almost 6 months (but who's counting, right?!). The thing I miss most about having a best friend, is being able to be a best friend.

And now, I'm place-less. 5 of my 6 friends live in stupid ole Texas and I miss them all so much it hurts, but hopefully will be visiting in a few months. The one remaining of the 6 friends lives in California. I'm lucky to be able to visit her next month. My family is going through tremendous upheaval with my brother having been married just 8 months ago and my dad having prostate cancer (surgery is next week), and my mom's court case starting to pick up steam (long story, you don't wanna know), and my sister being in school full time. I feel so purposeless and place-less next to all of them. It's so frightening to me. Frightening to feel like I'll never have a place again, never have close (geographically, and emotionally) friends again, never know what to do as a career, and always be overshadowed by those around me.

But I do have hope. Hope that someday I won't feel this way. Hope that I will find my place career-wise, friend-wise, husband-wise (I HOPE!!!), family-wise. Hope that this feeling will pass.

Okay, I know this is sorta depressing, but I had to share because it's been filling my head and banging to get out. So there it is. Maybe somebody else can put a more positive spin on it. I don't know. Maybe it'll help someone. I hope. <3

Strengthening

Last night I had a long and emotional talk with my dear, dear friend Rae. I was sobbing about the words I can barely bring myself to type, let alone say out loud. But the words that ring through my head all day, every day, well....since last Monday. And every time the bell of those words go off, I feel like I've been punched in the gut. Again. You may as well know, readers and friends, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. Cancer. A 6-letter word. But worse than any 4-letter word. 4-letter words go away. They slip off the tongue sometimes unnoticed. They hit the ear and the impact of the word goes away. Cancer doesn't. Cancer sticks around, killing as goes. Cancer takes not only from the person it resides in, but from those that love that person. Okay, my Dad will probably not die from this cancer, because he has prostate cancer that is 95-98% curable. So, please don't worry as much as I am worrying. It isn't healthy. Believe me, I know.

During my long, emotional talk with Rae I was getting really frustrated. Frustrated because I just had the toughest year of my life and was knocked off my feet for the past year. I was in counseling, battled depression and anxiety--am now medicated for depression and anxiety--, was diagnosed with ADHD (not severe), battled the deepest, most poignant loneliness I've ever felt, fought against feeling lost and useless, and struggled for every day to just please be a little better. And I lived through that year. I made it. And I was finally feeling like I'd regained my footing and was ready to find my place and just start really living again, and then last Monday happened. And I know that through the sweetness and mercy of my Father in Heaven and the sacrifice of my Savior that no matter what happens to my dad, it will be okay. That I will not only see him again even if the worst happened, he will call me his "Goo" again, that he will hug me and get teary-eyed while I sob. And knowing that gives me such comfort. But I am still scared. I am scared of seeing my father weakened. Scared of being so severely depressed again. Scared of the absolute worst case scenario.

As I told Rae all this I asked, "Why Rae? Couldn't I have just had a little more time to catch my breath? I don't know if I can do this!" and she--like the earthly angel she is--answered that I can. That she knows I can. That the Lord prepared me with such hardships this past year to give me the strength to handle this. She paid me such high and compliments to my handling of the past year and helped me to see more clearly and think past the grief, shock, and terror clouding my tired brain.

Did I also mention that Tuesday morning I started vomiting at about 1 am and was in the ER by 7? Somehow, that's true, I didn't just make it up. Oh, the week my family's been through. Oh, the weeks we'll go through in the coming months.

We can't always see the Lord's intentions or plans for us. We can't see what's on the other side of the trials we experience. (Maybe sometimes because we'd refuse to face what's on the other side of what we're going through.) But the Lord has a purpose for everything, every trial, every blessing, every gift, every loss. He's strengthening us and giving us tools to make us better. We just have to keep trying. Keep going. Keep living. I know it's hard. Oh, believe me, I know. I know how incredibly difficult it is to even make yourself get out of bed some days, so difficult that it seems impossible. But it isn't. Find your strength, something that makes you happy-even in the tiniest bit and cling to that as tight as you can. Even if that something that makes you the tiniest bit happy is as silly as a kitty board on your Pinterest. (Which I HIGHLY suggest Pinterest! It's fun! If you want an invite just send me your e-mail and I'll invite you. Then you can see my board titled "I REALLY want a kitty!!!" and at least get a laugh over how obsessed I am with felines.) Get a pet if you're lucky enough to be able to, pick up a hobby, learn a talent, serve someone who needs it, and pray. Pray, pray, pray. The Lord is listening, He loves you. He aches to bless you. He yearns to use your willing hands and heart to bless others who need it. He wants you to be happy. And most of all He wants you to reach your potential. (Yes, sometimes it really sucks to be in the growing part of reaching your potential. "Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come." ~Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. I love that quote. Even if you aren't religious, find something that can help to give you hope and help.)

I hope this helps someone, and doesn't come off as just whining. I always sincerely hope that each of my posts at least brightens someone's day. And helping more than that would mean the world to me.....as would more comments, because I like reading your comments! :)

Sunrise, Sunset

Yes, I'm aware that right now you're singing Fiddler on the Roof songs, but that's not really what my post is about today. On my way to and from various babysitting jobs I've seen far more beautiful sunrises and sunsets than I think I've ever seen in my entire life. The clouds have been streaked with hot and pale pink along with soft wafting oranges and bright electric oranges. Matched against pale purple, periwinkle, and blue. And almost every sunrise and sunset this week has brought me to tears. The beauty in the skies is a constant reminder to me of the love God must have for us to create such beautiful things for us to see and experience. And it reminds me of the fact that every night ends into a a brilliant opening of opportunities, and that every day must end and sometimes it ends with a sweet and beautiful parting. And there is another day to come, with it's own storms and sunlight.

I hope you enjoy the next sunrise or sunset, literal or figurative.

A Little Encouragement

So I have ranted before about my frustration of people looking at me and assuming that I'm anorexic because of my very-slim body type. And this is and isn't another one. My main issue is that because I'm skinny people assume that I am severely mentally unhealthy, and think that it is alright to tell me so. While it is true that Anorexia and Bulimia are serious mental illnesses and if you're struggling with them, you should seek help from those you trust, however everyone who's skinny is not struggling with those mental illnesses. What baffles me is that while it is not okay for someone to state the fact that someone is carrying extra fat in their body, it is okay for someone to falsely accuse me of having unstable mental health.

I think that we all really need to be more accepting of each other's bodies and realize that the bodies we live in for our short duration on earth are not the important thing. Our hearts are the important thing. And how we treat each other is the important thing. We all have room for improvement with our physical health and with our service and our love toward others. I hope we can all be more forgiving of others and learn to love each other more fully. We all are going through our own struggles and pains and we all need forgiveness and love on our journey through this life. Can't we all focus on that instead of each other's faults?

Here's for hoping that something I've said touches someone and helps them do a little better.

Caring for Myself

So today I was feeling pretty crumby and missing so many people so achingly much I couldn't stand it, so I pulled on yoga pants, gym shoes, and an old Disney t-shirt plugged in my iPod and set off. Where I didn't know, how far I had no clue. All I knew is that I felt terrible and I wanted my legs to pound my emotion into the earth, to let her feel my pain and to receive endorphins back from my pounding into the pavement. With Adele, Taylor Swift, Demi Lovato, and the Jonas Brothers fueling my half-sobbing terribly emotion walk/run--note that walk came before run, lots more walking happened than running--I made it through 2 miles, 2 miles thinking of days gone by. Those days included my sophomore year of high school when I was in high school and could mostly jog 3 miles in half an hour. And as my feet pattered a pattern the pavement I let all my walls down and just felt. It was refreshing and frustrating. Frustrating for the weakness of my frame. Frustrating for the inability to go faster. Frustrating for the inability to run longer. Frustrating for the people driving the streets and on the side of the road. Frustrating for the lack of loneliness my heart felt. Refreshing for the pumping of my legs. Refreshing for the beating of my heart. Refreshing for the giving over of myself to the strumming of guitars, pounding of drums and tinkle of the ivory. Refreshing for the reminder that negative emotions are not weakness, it is human strength and proof of love. Refreshing for the caring of myself.

Furthermore I chose to share the songs closest to my heart with all of you. So here you go!

Fix A Heart--Demi Lovato, Unbroken. This song just hits a tender part of my heart at the moment. It hits so close to home and I love it. The lyrics and the plain piano chords just seem to be just for me. Because sometimes someone takes a piece of your heart and you just can't fix it once they broke it, you just have to move past it.

Somewhere Only We Know--Glee Version, The Warblers. Yes, you notice the similar theme to the previous song? Oh how strange...not really! This song never ceases to reduce me to tears. Any version--just especially this one. It makes me wonder about the story of the poor soul who wrote it. I hope they got a good goodbye that they can look back on with a smile now. (And not just a smile from the money they've made since the song is popular.)

I Wish You Love--Nat King Cole, Live at the Sands. Okay, this one makes me sob too. But with his perfect syrupy-smooth voice how could you not? Well....how could I not?? When this one is so similar to the others I don't see how I could say much more except for vent my frustrations that artists neither sing like this nor sing subjects like this any more. And I'm sure you don't really want to hear that rant, because it lasts for days.

Enchanted--Taylor Swift, Speak Now. I REALLY want to be enchanted to meet someone. To come home giggling and blushing and dancing and scream-singing this song. I daydream of meeting said Prince Charming somehow irresistibly charming--as well as me looking completely gorgeous!--like we reach for the same tub of ice cream at the grocery store, or I'm at Disneyland adoring Sleeping Beauty's Castle and I trip over him eating his corn dog from the corn dog cart and he catches me and I treat him to a new corn dog as his is inevitably ruined by my tripping and we enjoy corn dogs together and keep running into each other in the park. Yes, my imagination is reaching for the stars. But it may as well, that's its job!

Someone Like You--Adele, 21. WATCH THIS VIDEO! I'm not lying. Do it now! I loved this song before and now I'm shaking, totally breathless at the magic of this version. It was shattering. The camera work I found really natural and organic and I loved that they were at her house and she was singing for herself. And at the end of the song she's biting her thumb and thinking and a small tear is in her eye and I sobbed. Big, breathless, babyish sobs. It is unbelievable how brilliant that is. Also this song I am constantly playing on my piano and belting or listening to. It's so bittersweet and beautiful and I love it.

Well, for now that's all. I hope you enjoyed my little half-rant half-inspiration. I hope it fueled you in your New Years Resolution to take care of yourself better and stronger too!

New Year

Here we are on the brink of 2012 and I hardly know how it got here. This is the time of year that we all look back and see our progress and look to the future and set new goals.

I've been looking back at the year in awe. In awe of the change in myself. I've become so much closer to the person I ultimately hope to become and I am very proud of myself. I still have a long way to go, but I've made leaps and bounds. As I'm sure you'll all figured out this year has been excruciating. I went through so much that I didn't see coming, and never wanted to see. They say that you don't know what you've got until it's gone, but I'm very much not that way. I know exactly what I have and live in fear of losing it. And I lost so much this year. But I've gained myself. I gained a knowledge of myself, my limits, my strengths, my challenges, my needs, my wants. I didn't really want to admit this online, as I live in fear of the repercussions of online postings, but I feel I should. I found out through counseling that lasted about 6 months that I have ADHD, abandonment issues, and developed acute social anxiety, among other challenges we all struggle with. But I'm making it through. Through the challenges every day poses. And I'm looking forward to a new year that, with any luck, holds fewer challenges than this past year and holds hope, growth and joy.

I hope your new year holds the same and I hope that you can look nostalgically on this past year, even if it was as difficult (or more difficult) as mine.

Happy New Years!!

Christmas Crafting!

So, in order to distract myself from boredom and loneliness lately I've been rather crafty! (Also it was a cheap way to give people thoughtful gifts for Christmas!) Helped quite a bit by the inspiration of Pinterest I've created all these things in the past month, and am now bragging about them! ...And admittedly so I can pin them on my own Pinterest and brag just a LITTLE more! :)

This is an eternity scarf I made, just two rectangles of plain cotton jersey and a little jersey braid all sewn together and big enough to slip over my head.

This is a little cotton jersey braid that I sewed into a circle to use as a headband! :D

This is a braided waist belt from three equal strips of cotton jersey and sewn on the ends (Haven't figured out a better way to fasten then to just tie at the moment...will update if I figure it out).

These are 3 used Martinelli's bottles (and a babushka doll....I didn't make that...) I made for my sister for Christmas. The one on the left is modge-podged with paper. The one in the middle has jute wrapped around it and hot-glued down. The one on the right is just spray painted with gold paint. ((Hint: to get the label off soak in water over night and it comes right off, then just scrape off the residue with a razor blade or knife.))

The trees there are what I made! You just roll cardstock into a cone and hot-glue it down and embellish if needed. The little white red and green one is covered in little pom-poms or warm fuzzies, the light brown one is circled with jute that is just hot-glued down, the dark brown just has a jute ball on top, and the green one is a patterned paper and I didn't do anything to it after rolling it.

This is the gift I made for my brother and sister-in-law. It's just a frame I painted gold, dollar store ornaments I painted with the white and put the ribbon on and attached them to the back/top of the frame. The bow is just hot-glued to the top of the frame. (If you didn't figure it out, it's a wreath!)

That's all for now!! I'll probably post more later....okay I will probably post more later. I'm addicted to crafting!! :D And I need to post what I made for my mom and dad and myself!

A Year in Review

With the year ending and all our family Christmas letters going out I've been thinking back on my year and it's shocking how much has truly changed. My life has turned completely up-side-down since last Christmas, but I've survived. So, I'm going to copy Rae and give you a little year play-by-play:

January:

Come home from Disneyland.

Get a major cold.

Find job at Krave.

February:

Wish I had a Valentine.

Keep working at Krave.

Mom's birthday.

Breathe sigh of relief Rae wasn't moving.

March:

Turned 20.

(Freaking out that I've lived through 2 decades now)

Still working.

April:

Still working.

Called to Nursery (I think it was then...).

May:

Kyle met some girl named Briana.

He fell head-over-heels for her.

Rae's moving to Texas.

It's okay because the Jonas Brothers live there too...

June:

Start going to counseling.

Still in Nursery and working.

Trying to keep myself together.

Spend as much time with DeVaults as possible.

July:

Kyle engaged.

Still spending as much time with DeVaults as possible.

Still working and in Nursery.

August:

Kyle and Briana married.

My first photo shoot ever.

Still working and in Nursery.

Missing DeVaults.

Emily's birthday.

September:

Still working and in Nursery.

Desperately missing DeVaults.

October:

Still in Nursery.

Quit Krave.

Life stuck in neutral.

Missing the DeVaults more than I thought possible.

Kyle's birthday.

Cut ties with someone who meant the world to me.

Got on a plane to Dallas, TX.

Hugged Phill.

Hugged Rae.

Hugged Reed.

Got made breakfast in bed by Reed.

Hugged Jax.

Hugged Savvy.

November:

Did Rae's laundry.

Laughed.

Cried.

Read.

Played Lego's.

Cooked and ate.

Laughed more.

Loved.

Dishes.

DeVaults.

Hugged and hugged and hugged.

Sobbed.

Got on a plane.

Sobbed the whole way home.

Parents' 25th wedding anniversary.

Thanksgiving.

Dad's Birthday.

December:

Still in Nursery.

Job as nanny for Thornton's.

Missing DeVaults.

Decision making.

Slowing moving life forward.

So, that was a little less than positive. But I'm moving forward after an incredibly difficult year. And I'm proud of that. I did everything I could and just kept moving forward. And will continue to do so through the end of this year and into the next.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all!! :D

Thanksgiving

Okay, I know this is shamefully overdue, as Thanksgiving was weeks ago and Christmas is now upon us. But I must say how incredibly grateful I am for the holiday of Thanksgiving. I love the chance to eat all you want on fancy dishes and with family. I love the focus of the world on being grateful for the things that mean something to them. Thanksgiving gave me the chance to see with clear and grateful eyes, which is rare lately. I've been struggling still, and struggling more in some senses and Thanksgiving gave me the opportunity to break free of that for a little while and be grateful. It was such a relief. And I was so grateful for the holiday itself.

Yes, the Christmas season is also great, but there is more focus on the commercialization and what you're going to get than what you're going to give and what you're going to help with. (Also, less focus on a great big meal!) There are so many things I'm grateful for. And if you're reading this, you're one of them. Anyone who takes the time to read my words makes me very grateful, even if you don't comment, I like to imagine at least 10 people read each of my posts.

I'm so grateful for my family this year especially. I've gained a sister since last year, and I'm glad for her too. :) I could list all the things I'm grateful for, but that would take forever and I'm already in tears, and that would break me into sobs. Just know, I'm grateful for so much. And especially Thanksgiving this year.

Sorry for the rambling still. But at least it's a post right?

Braveness

"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and others have greatness thrust upon 'em." So says Shakespeare in Twelfth Night, and I've been thinking about that quote a lot lately and I believe the same can be said for being brave. So I would also say "Some are born brave, some achieve braveness, and others have braveness thrust upon 'em." ((Is braveness a word?? Probably not! But I'm saying it is!)) Some people don't struggle with being brave, they just are. They don't have to force themselves to be better at speaking their mind, or parachuting, or fighting for our country, or telling someone how they feel, or trusting. Others of us have to learn bravery by trying those things just one at a time or by living our every day lives. And other times bravery is forced upon us. A loved one dies, or leaves us, or turns on us, or an emergency happens and we must be brave. Those, I think, are the hardest moments. When you're already knocked down from life and then something happens and you're left to ourselves to pick up your own pieces and just keep going. Regardless, though, of how our bravery comes, we all must be brave. Although it sounds far more delightful to lay in bed, or in front of the TV, we all must live our lives, which requires an immense amount of bravery. But we can do it!

Beautifying My Little World

So, I've been taking moments from my days to make something in my life a little more beautiful. And currently I'm obsessed with modge podge. So in order to be able to put these on Pinterest and to show you how I'm beautifying my life here they are!

I did this one for my parents for their 25th anniversary because we really needed one instead of the cupboard.

Martinelli's bottle (from the anniversary celebrations) plus 2 coats of gold spray paint (left over from my brother's wedding open house), and 2 dried roses from the only bouquets I've ever gotten.

A mini Martinelli's bottle, with paper modge podged onto it. A little tricky, but worth it! Now I need more dried roses to put in it!

An old frame I had laying around and decided to modge podge. I need a picture to put in it now.

All the paper is from a book I found at the dollar store. It was just one that had the coolest feeling and looking paper, and it happened to be an autobiography about a biographer, so there were tons of letters in the book in different fonts, which ended up really cool. So on all of these I only spent $1.03 for the book. The modge podge was just left over from one of my mom's projects, I already had both frames, the bottles and the spray paint. Probably more to come as I continue to attempt to beautify my life...Okay me and modge podge obsession will definitely be coming up with more to cover, so expect some more!

"At Least..."

So you know those times when everything is looking very bleak and it's hard to find something that's beautiful? I find that I need something that is fairly stable, that at least I have that. My most common "At least" is "At least I have a cute butt." Because I do--whether or not that's conceited, I don't know. But it makes me feel better. That even if I am broke, have no job and can't find one, at least I do have one asset. Oh, you want a list of "At least"s? Okay....

At least:

I can write.

I can appreciate others' talents.

I have my family, and though the relationships may change they're always there.

I have pretty eyes.

I have Rae and her family too.

I have emotional outlets.

There's more, but it feels selfish to put them all here. I hope that helps you in trying to see the beauty in your own life. It helps me with mine. And heaven knows I need any help I can get.

At least I have a cute butt :)

Respite, Rae, and Rambling

I'm thoroughly enjoying Texas. Loving every minute of being so loved and needed by the DeVaults. Savvy needs the girly attention of flipping through magazines and playing dollies. Reed needs the attention logical answers and occasional pretending. Jaxon needs the giggling, tickling and general being silly. And I love it. I haven't been this needed in so long. And it is so refreshing. As my fingers click and clatter across the keys, Rae is singing quietly with each child as she puts them to bed, and admittedly I'm crying. I want so badly to be so loved and needed by my own children. I want so badly a man to love me as her Phill loves her. I want so badly to be more like Rachel. In so many ways. I wish I had more curves, like Rae's perfect shape. I wish I had more of her empathy and depth of emotion in general. I wish I had her energy, her creativity in and out of the home, her ability to make it work (even if "it" is a house that they don't quite fit in, or a scheduling inconvenience).
I don't want to leave. I want to stay sleeping on her couch, petting the kitties--Jude and Olive--, playing with kids, laughing with Phill and Rae, and helping with the endless laundry and dishes of a young family. I want to stay here, healing, until I am whole. I wish I could. And yet the real world calls. Bills, family, school are all screaming my name. I desperately just want to ignore them and stay, stay, stay. Maybe I can. I don't know. But for now I will savor the moments that seem so much like a fairy-tale or a movie. Moments that don't seem to belong in my life. Moments I love. Moments I need. Moments that will sustain me through the future, as the imagination of them sustained me through the past months.
The hardest times of my life have been this past year, and just when I think they're over, they're only beginning. And I've just tried. Tried to keep going, tried to make the best decisions, tried to go in the right direction, tried to keep seeing the good and the beautiful, tried to be brave. Tried. And that's all I could've done, all I can do. That's all any of us can do. Is just try. If that's what we are doing, we can't be ashamed of ourselves. Because we tried. And I have. And I'm okay with it...almost. I'll keep trying and trying and probably crying. Hopefully times will get better. Hopefully.