Delicate Strength

In staying strong I've obviously been thinking about a definition of strength, but I'm not at all ready to write up a full definition of strength yet. Words are still somewhat eluding me. Today I spent the day with Rae: cleaning, talking, distracting children, and soaking in her radiant warmth. (What I will ever do without her a mile away, I have NO IDEA!!!) But I saw her today (and yesterday) show the most incredible delicate strength. Joking with movers, Rae remained (somewhat freakishly) patient with her over-tired, over-stressed, over-bored babies. Yes, while walking through her house Rae cried and cried. When I swept and mopped her bathroom I collapsed into sobs over the floor. Eventually pulling myself together to finish. And when I left--followed by them, though their journey was much longer--Rae and I sobbed in each other's arms. That's the delicate side: allowing yourself to feel your emotions, letting yourself be weak.

But the great irony of that is, is that is the strength therein! It takes strength and courage to feel. To feel is to allow yourself to be vulnerable, which is frightening. As Rae vacuumed up cobwebs I thought of spiderwebs. Spider webs are incredibly light and delicate and seemingly weak, but a spider web is one of nature's strongest substances. ((And I would post a picture of it, but I like spider's about as much as Ron Weasley!)) I trust that you all know what a spiderweb is like and can picture in your mind the intricacy of the home of the arachnid. With long spokes connected by swirling connections. The long spokes are the strength, connected by delicate and gentle strands of complex, twisting emotions. Many people are afraid of spiders and their webs, and more surprisingly the webs inside themselves. I'm the first to admit I'm not fond of my often swirling and inexplicable emotions. But I'm working on accepting them and moving forward. It's hard to balance delicacy and strength, much like balancing bravery and beauty. But I'm trying and I hope you are too. <3

~Sorry this didn't come together as planned, or beautiful or inspiring or brave at all, but I had to put it out there. Maybe at least Rae will like it. :)

Speechless

My apologies readers, I've been so post-less lately. I've been speechless blog-wise lately. I've been going through some incredibly tough times recently, and I have struggled to think through anything beautiful enough to write about. I've just tried to be brave through the storm raging around me. You'd think that would provide ample inspiration for my should-be balanced blog between bravery and beauty, but it hasn't been. I've been so emotionally and mentally drained from every day life that hardly any thoughts have been left over for writing.

And this blog post is becoming awfully depressing, and I apologize for that as well. Hopefully some brilliance will occur to me and I will have blogs coming in a flurry from feverish fingers.

Until then,

C

Lorna Anderson

Lorna is a woman I have always looked up to ever since she and her husband and their 6 boys moved into my neighborhood about 6 years ago. She is one of the most beautiful, brave women I've ever known. She is truly incredible. Always smiling, always happy, always tender, always ready with a smile, hug, and kind word. This past week one of Lorna's sweet boys passed from this world and into the next. Nolan was barely 18 and died in his sleep on the 22nd. He'd struggled with health for nearly his whole life, including paralysis of the right half his body. He found in his mother (and father) an example of strength, trust in the Lord, tenacity, courage, and seeking all that was beautiful in the world. And he followed right in her footsteps, pushing through every disability, every challenge and becoming stronger for it. Now he has passed on quietly and peacefully to the Savior's care where he will no longer be challenged by earthly cares or his temporal body.

Nolan's precious mother fully understands the Lord's Plan of Salvation, and just days after her son's passing sat in the most solemn Sacrament Meeting I've ever witnessed, and smiled and laughed, tearing up only a few times. The day after my Mom went to visit and offer our help and came back in awe that Lorna was smiling, cheerful, peaceful, and happy.

I can't imagine the pain that would come from one of your children going before you from this existence. I hope to be like Lorna when I grow up: trusting, brave, beautiful, seeking the positive, faithful, and countless other virtues.

My prayers and love are with their family, along with my appreciation and admiration.

Becoming Strong

Dreaming. I love to daydream. And I dream big, as I've said before. But honestly I don't want to just sit around imagining and dreaming about things, and not be able to do anything about it! So I'm working toward the dreams that I dream about most! I went to ballet this work and it was hard!!! I am still sore and it's 3 days later! I'm less sore, but I am sore. Mostly my calves. Because it was Advanced Ballet there was a LOT of work on the toes (not on pointe, just on the toes) and a lot of plies (plee-ays) and bar work and jumps. My poor calves have felt like acid jelly for the past 3 days. I worked very hard and kept up fairly well until we went to the middle of the floor instead working on the bar.

Also, I'm working at my turning my picture-taking into photography. I would love to be fashion photographer like the ones who appear on America's Next Top Model. I think that would be amazing! So I'm practicing, practicing, practicing! :)

So pretty much this is a pointless and self-absorbed post, but oh well! It's better than nothing though right?!

My Fantastic Best Friend's Birthday!

Today is Kavyn's birthday!!!!!! :D I'm so happy for her!! We celebrated yesterday and it was great! And pretty much this post in pointless, except to make her blush a little! Honestly, I don't know what else to say! I blog about her a LOT so you already know that I love her to bits and pieces and that she's amazing and brave and beautiful and wonderful, and if you don't go read those posts! I'm so glad to have her in a my life. I truly love her and appreciate her more than I can say. She's the best BFFAE a girl could ask for. :) Much love and happiness for her today. <3

Encouraged

So this weekend Emily and I went to my favorite place on earth (you do know what's coming don't you?!) DISNEYLAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was SO fantastic! Not nearly as busy as everyone seems to think it was. We hit our favorites and that's all. We did only what we wanted. First up Emily got herself a bracelet that reads guatEMala, because at one point she was in Guatemala, and it was a huge part of her life, which it is her choice to share that experience, not mine. Second was the Teacups, Emily's favorite. Then to Dumbo, a family favorite. Of course, we did what we do best and ate. At the ever-delicious Golden Horseshoe. Oh, I love the Golden Horseshoe. Not on the menu are their mozzarella sticks and they are FANTASTIC! If you're ever in Disneyland, eat them. They take about 15 minutes for them to make, but it is well-worth the wait. Also, the fishsticks are finger-licking good. Don't even get me started on their fries. I'll spare you that happy-rant. We sat with a sweet, sweet lady who had the only 2 spare chairs in the place. The reason for that being Billy Hill and the Hillbillies. Yes, I just said that. Yes, we watched it. Yes, we enjoyed it. Emily laughed so hard I thought she was going to throw up that fantastic food. Then we shopped. Oh did we shop. I love shopping at Disneyland. So much. It was great. :) After corn dogs and spying (and crying) on the parade it was time for what we went there for: A Princess and Character Look-Alike Audition for Disneyland Hong Kong.

We were taught some choreography from the Christmas parade, and did our best. Sadly, it was not good enough and we were cut after that. (The first cut.) We picked ourselves--and our shopping bags--up and headed to Cheesecake Factory for treats before going back for the fireworks! During which we cried our eyes out!!! It was just so beautiful, and I could feel Hook's crocodile behind me, tick, tick, ticking away, attempting to drag me away from happiness and magic. Then we cried our eyes out over Fantasmic. And screamed over an awesome Cast Member who scared the tears out of Emily ensuing laughter from me that was so deep and hard and hearty that I snorted 7 times in. A. Row. For our last hurrah we rode the Matterhorn, my favorite. Then we visited the gorgeous and amazing Aly who I used to work with. And then oh-so reluctantly we stared at Sleeping Beauty's Castle down Main Street USA and walked away with heavy hearts, bags, and feet.

Despite not doing so well in the audition I am greatly encouraged by it. I can try again, and I will try again. And I will do better. I will work on my dancing and ability to learn choreography. I will practice being princess-y. I feel so hopeful and happy about what's to come. I will do this, I will reach this dream. I will succeed.

And I will go back to Disneyland soon, with my best friend again, with my family again, with anyone who will go with me again.

I feel recharged for every day life until then. My strength has been renewed and I can keep going, hopeful, positive, beautiful and brave.

Stay ((Becoming)) Strong

Relief

Relief is a huge part of staying or becoming strong for me. I have to take a step back from all the stress and craziness of my life and let myself not think about it for a little while. There's some ways I like to take respite from my whirlwind of a world. So here's an inevitably too-long explanatory list of ways that I get my relief.

Beautiful Films:

I love watching movies and especially ones that are beautifully captured, beautifully written, and beautifully acted. I love when those three aspects of the film come together in a way that is captivating and meaningful. Some of the many that I adore are Anne of Green Gables and Anne of Avonlea (which I'm watching now!), Young Victoria (I'm working on a whole post about that one!), Sense and Sensibility, Beaches, Finding Neverland, and many, many more. Also, funny movies are great! And Disney movies, those are awesome!

Writing:

I write poems, my blog, short stories, and other such things for fun and for myself (except this blog). I don't share the things I write very often (as in hardly at all), they're just for me, and it's a fantastic release of excess stress.

Picture Taking:

I like taking pictures (especially after buying Rae's first DSLR camera!! Thanks again Rae!!!!!) I've been practicing as much as possible and feel like I am getting better. I took pictures of Emily's graduation and am currently working on editing them, experimenting and such. And I'm having way too much fun. I'm no photographer, just a picture-taker. Rachael Ray always calls herself a cook and not a chef and I'm calling myself a picture-taker and not a photographer. One day I'll graduate to photographer, but that's not going to come for a while, though a separate photography blog will be coming soon!! :)

Piano:

I've played piano since I was 8 and really didn't appreciate it for a long time. I haven't taken lessons in more than 3 years and now only play the songs that have stuck with me and only for myself. I'll play to let emotions go and to express myself without harming anyone else and I'll play to keep my fingers from forgetting the keys. Singing goes along with that, but I've been consistently ill this winter and my voice sounds like a bullfrog right now. :(

Imagination:

Imagining and pretending are brilliant and beautiful and so relieving. You can escape into a dream world all your own and have whatever and whomever you'd like. Prince Charming comes bursting through the doors at work and sweeps you away singing the whole way to his valiant steed (which is generally a shiny black BMW or Lamborghini or Porsche or similar). Or you slay the evil dragon shooting flames at you constantly. Secretly, I imagine myself to sleep every night.

Well, that's them. Hopefully, you didn't get lost in my words. :) I worry sometimes that Rae's the only one who slogs through swamp of my reveries. Don't worry, the monsters are banned from my blog by the knights of my fingertips! Until next time!!

((With all of these posts about Staying or Becoming Strong, feel free to post in your blogs, or in comments here things that you do to Stay and Become Strong! I would LOVE to hear your thoughts on this!! Also, secretly, it would make me feel influential and important, which would be nice! ;) ))