Coins

Words have not only once again granted me with the pleasure of their company, they may well be overstaying their welcome. Okay, not really. I'm loving the flood of eloquence.

Today the topic I've been mulling over in my mind especially is coins. We're all familiar with coins. Quarters, dimes, nickles, pennies, or whatever else wherever else. But did you realize that there are coins inside us? And no, not just ones that you swallowed when you were a kid! Every trait you have has a flip-side. There's the up-side and the down-side. For example: If you have a big heart, it's likely that big heart has just as much capacity to hurt as to love. That's a big coin of mine. I'm full of love and compassion and I'm fiercely loyal, but I'm injured and insulted easily. I take everything personally because I mean (most) everything personally. The trick is to focus on the up-side of what you've got! Believe me it's hard. That down-side has the power of gravity on it's side. It pulls and drags and holds and tugs and yanks and tows and heaves and thrusts you down. But we are still able to stand on earth, despite gravity right? There's gigantic skyscrapers even with the weight of the world pulling them down aren't there? We grow taller and stronger even with it pulling us down, and I dare say, because it's pulling us down. Having down-sides doesn't make you horrible, it makes you human. You need both sides of the coin to pay for an ice cream cone, don't you?

Well, I hope that makes you feel a little better about your virtues and vices, I know it makes me feel better about mine.

Best luck and all my love to you on your journeys.

"I want you to listen to me very carefully, Harry. You're not a bad person. You're a very good person, who bad things have happened to. Besides, the world isn't split into good people and Death Eaters. We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are." ~Sirius Black, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

"You can take everything I have, you can break everything I am, like I'm made of glass, like I'm made of paper. Go on and try to tear me down, I will be rising from the ground like a skyscraper!" ~Demi Lovato, Skyscraper

A Small Rant

So, in case you don't know me (which I doubt anyone reading this doesn't) I'm skinny. Like tiny skinny. I'm nearly 5'7'' and I only weigh approximately 105 pounds. So now in your head you're thinking What does SHE have to rant about, about that?!

Well here it is: I am this way naturally. I eat like a 14-year-old boy, I just can't keep weight on. But people look at me and assume that I deprive, torture, or maim myself to be the way I am. There's a woman who is most definitely not naturally thin (you can tell because she looks like a skeleton and barely ever gets anything to eat) and she has suggested on multiple occasions that I understand her need to not get as much. Dear lady, I'm not anorexic. Then there was a guy once who told me I stayed this thin by eating whatever I want and then throwing it up afterward. Dude, really?!

The world's obsession with weight and appearances swings both ways. We all know that obese or overweight people are openly mocked and the health dangers of being that way. But no one seems to mention that those of us that are thin are demeaned too.

Everyone's healthy weight and healthy place mentally within themselves comes at a different place, and we aren't to judge. Especially if we're strangers. People are SO much more than what they appear on the outside. Everyone has fears, everyone struggles, and everyone has their own triumphs too. We are all just humans, size 0 or size 16. And we were all made as individuals with something to contribute to the world.

Now, this isn't just a pointless rant about insults given me at work; the point related to the theme of my blog: EVERYONE struggles with how they feel about themselves in one way or another. No matter what size, shape, etc. And EVERYONE deserves courtesy and encouragement along their way in feeling better about themselves. EVERYONE is beautiful. EVERYONE is being as brave as they can be, marching on in their journey.

Perspective

Lately I've been thinking about perspective and how things look differently through different people's eyes. As I'm looking at photos and taking photos I see the world differently. I look through new eyes and see with a new perspective. It's amazing to see how I look even at movies I've seen a billion times differently. (Have I ever told you I LOOOOVE movies!? I do!! A lot....Especially when the acting, story and cinematography all meet together beautifully.) We all have an individual and personal way that we see the world around us. Our eyes shape from who we are, who we've loved, what we've loved, what we've lost, where we've been, what we've learned. It's amazing how even siblings who've grown up so similar and seen so many of the same things can have such different perspectives. It's astounding how a couple can go through something together and come out with such different views. I am dumbfounded by the differences and individualism in every one of our views, our voices, and just in every one of us. We are each brave and beautiful in our own way and in different, separate, individual balances.

"We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are." -Sirius Black, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2

"I'd like some fresh, clear, well seasoned perspective." -Anton Ego, Ratatouille

"I always surprise myself on my ability to turn a phrase. Words are, in my not so humble opinion, the most inexhaustible source of magic; capable of both inflicting injury and remedying it." -Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2

((Maybe next time I'll post random quotes I just like, what do you think?!))

Delicate Strength

In staying strong I've obviously been thinking about a definition of strength, but I'm not at all ready to write up a full definition of strength yet. Words are still somewhat eluding me. Today I spent the day with Rae: cleaning, talking, distracting children, and soaking in her radiant warmth. (What I will ever do without her a mile away, I have NO IDEA!!!) But I saw her today (and yesterday) show the most incredible delicate strength. Joking with movers, Rae remained (somewhat freakishly) patient with her over-tired, over-stressed, over-bored babies. Yes, while walking through her house Rae cried and cried. When I swept and mopped her bathroom I collapsed into sobs over the floor. Eventually pulling myself together to finish. And when I left--followed by them, though their journey was much longer--Rae and I sobbed in each other's arms. That's the delicate side: allowing yourself to feel your emotions, letting yourself be weak.

But the great irony of that is, is that is the strength therein! It takes strength and courage to feel. To feel is to allow yourself to be vulnerable, which is frightening. As Rae vacuumed up cobwebs I thought of spiderwebs. Spider webs are incredibly light and delicate and seemingly weak, but a spider web is one of nature's strongest substances. ((And I would post a picture of it, but I like spider's about as much as Ron Weasley!)) I trust that you all know what a spiderweb is like and can picture in your mind the intricacy of the home of the arachnid. With long spokes connected by swirling connections. The long spokes are the strength, connected by delicate and gentle strands of complex, twisting emotions. Many people are afraid of spiders and their webs, and more surprisingly the webs inside themselves. I'm the first to admit I'm not fond of my often swirling and inexplicable emotions. But I'm working on accepting them and moving forward. It's hard to balance delicacy and strength, much like balancing bravery and beauty. But I'm trying and I hope you are too. <3

~Sorry this didn't come together as planned, or beautiful or inspiring or brave at all, but I had to put it out there. Maybe at least Rae will like it. :)

Speechless

My apologies readers, I've been so post-less lately. I've been speechless blog-wise lately. I've been going through some incredibly tough times recently, and I have struggled to think through anything beautiful enough to write about. I've just tried to be brave through the storm raging around me. You'd think that would provide ample inspiration for my should-be balanced blog between bravery and beauty, but it hasn't been. I've been so emotionally and mentally drained from every day life that hardly any thoughts have been left over for writing.

And this blog post is becoming awfully depressing, and I apologize for that as well. Hopefully some brilliance will occur to me and I will have blogs coming in a flurry from feverish fingers.

Until then,

C

Lorna Anderson

Lorna is a woman I have always looked up to ever since she and her husband and their 6 boys moved into my neighborhood about 6 years ago. She is one of the most beautiful, brave women I've ever known. She is truly incredible. Always smiling, always happy, always tender, always ready with a smile, hug, and kind word. This past week one of Lorna's sweet boys passed from this world and into the next. Nolan was barely 18 and died in his sleep on the 22nd. He'd struggled with health for nearly his whole life, including paralysis of the right half his body. He found in his mother (and father) an example of strength, trust in the Lord, tenacity, courage, and seeking all that was beautiful in the world. And he followed right in her footsteps, pushing through every disability, every challenge and becoming stronger for it. Now he has passed on quietly and peacefully to the Savior's care where he will no longer be challenged by earthly cares or his temporal body.

Nolan's precious mother fully understands the Lord's Plan of Salvation, and just days after her son's passing sat in the most solemn Sacrament Meeting I've ever witnessed, and smiled and laughed, tearing up only a few times. The day after my Mom went to visit and offer our help and came back in awe that Lorna was smiling, cheerful, peaceful, and happy.

I can't imagine the pain that would come from one of your children going before you from this existence. I hope to be like Lorna when I grow up: trusting, brave, beautiful, seeking the positive, faithful, and countless other virtues.

My prayers and love are with their family, along with my appreciation and admiration.

Becoming Strong

Dreaming. I love to daydream. And I dream big, as I've said before. But honestly I don't want to just sit around imagining and dreaming about things, and not be able to do anything about it! So I'm working toward the dreams that I dream about most! I went to ballet this work and it was hard!!! I am still sore and it's 3 days later! I'm less sore, but I am sore. Mostly my calves. Because it was Advanced Ballet there was a LOT of work on the toes (not on pointe, just on the toes) and a lot of plies (plee-ays) and bar work and jumps. My poor calves have felt like acid jelly for the past 3 days. I worked very hard and kept up fairly well until we went to the middle of the floor instead working on the bar.

Also, I'm working at my turning my picture-taking into photography. I would love to be fashion photographer like the ones who appear on America's Next Top Model. I think that would be amazing! So I'm practicing, practicing, practicing! :)

So pretty much this is a pointless and self-absorbed post, but oh well! It's better than nothing though right?!